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14 January 2014 @ 02:57 am
Hands of Fate: Chapter Four  
Title: Caught in the Hands of Fate
Author: fadedsparks
Beta: lunadragonx
Art: trueshellz
Fandom: RPS
Pairing: Jensen/Jared
Rated: R, with NC-17 in later chapters
Genre: AU, Angst, Romance
Disclaimer: This isn't meant to offend anyone and I am making no profit from it.
Warnings: Violence and Homophobia. Also, Jensen and Jared are the same age in this story.
Summary: Jensen has had his share of ups and downs, but he pushes forward and tries not to take life for granted. Starting college in California seems like the right choice for him, and everything is going better than he imagined it would. However, fate can be a tricky thing sometimes.



-~*~-
Chapter Four:
Forcing Separation
-~*~-



Jensen is sitting on his bed, headphones covering his ears, and listening to Ozzy Osbourne when Jared enters the room. Jensen had gotten back from the club two hours ago and Jared has just now gotten back. Idly, he wonders what he could have been doing all this time, but decides he doesn’t really want to know. Whatever it was that kept him out so late, even if that something was Alexis, he hopes he had fun.

Jared smiles a bit goofily and flops down onto his bed, staring up at the ceiling with his grin still firmly in place. Jensen shakes his head in amusement as he takes off his headphones and sets them aside. Turning to his friend, he just watches him for a moment, committing his every feature to memory.

“I take from the smile on your face that you had a really good time,” Jensen states as he finally decides to break the silence in the room.

Jared tosses his head to the side and nods. “I had a really good time. Why’d you punk out so early though? Weren’t you having a good time?”

Jensen shrugs and looks away. “I’m kind of tired tonight, and didn’t really feel like staying out too late, so I decided to turn in early. Doesn’t matter though, you guys were having a good time on your own; you didn’t need me there.”

“We like having you there, Jen,” Jared states softly, looking at Jensen intensely. “Are you sure you were just tired? There’s nothing bothering you, is there?”

“No, I’m just tired. Why do you ask?” Jensen responds, heart pounding in his chest.

“I dunno, man, it’s just that you seem kind of sad lately, almost distant.” The look on Jared’s face is a mixture of curiosity and concern. “You haven’t been yourself, and… well, I’m worried.”

Jensen can’t help but smile at that. “Everything’s fine, Jared, you have no reason to worry about me.”

Jared doesn’t appear to believe him, and his next question just proves that. “It’s not your family, is it? Is that why you’re so withdrawn?”

“Seriously, Jared, there’s nothing wrong with me. I’m honestly fine. You’re reading way too much into it,” Jensen replies firmly, slightly irritated. “So… I saw you dancing with Alexis, bet that was like a dream come true.”

The last thing Jensen wants to talk about is Alexis and how Jared felt dancing with her, but it is better than where their conversation was previously heading. If Jensen isn’t careful he will eventually slip up, especially with Jared badgering him, and then his friend will be too damn close to the truth.

Jared’s eyes light up at the mention of Alexis, and Jensen wants to sigh, or groan in frustration, but he stops himself before any sound can leave his lips. He can just imagine the conversation that would follow that, and he is sure it would be a painful one. Sure, talking about her isn’t much better, but talking to Jared about how he feels would be worse on so many levels.

“I was so surprised when she asked me to dance with her. I have been waiting such a damn long time for that moment. It is possibly one of the happiest moments of my life to date,” Jared says with a smile of delight gracing his face.

Despite the topic of conversation, Jensen can’t help but smile. Jared just looks so happy right now, it would be impossible not to be glad to see it. Jensen wishes he could see his friend this happy more often, he doesn’t smile enough. Chris says the same thing about Jensen, but Jared has a face made for smiling, so it is weird and unsettling to see those lips set in a thin line.

“She smelled really nice, man, something fruity,” Jared says and rolls his eyes at his own stupidity. “Having her in my arms, up against me, it just felt amazing. I know that’s where she belongs - in my arms - I just wish she knew that.”

Jensen just smiles sadly in response, all the while thinking, I know how you feel. He really wishes there was something he could say to make Jared feel better about his situation, but every time he tries, he comes up empty handed. What could he possibly say that wouldn’t provide his friend with false hope? He knows that she will never feel that way about Jared, so he can’t possibly tell him that she could come around eventually… it just doesn’t seem to be in the cards.

Until she openly tells him that he has no chance with her, Jared is just going to follow her around like a lost puppy. Until she is finally straight with him, and tells him that she doesn’t see him in that light, he isn’t going to give up on her. That hurts Jensen too, because he hates seeing his friend hurt himself this way. But, honestly, what can he do about it? Jared isn’t going to listen if he tells him that his efforts are a lost cause. In the end, that might only make Jared angry with him. Jared is just going to have to learn the hard way; he’s going to have to find out for himself.

When they simply sit in silence for a long period of time, Jensen stands up and grabs his nightclothes from his closet. Jared’s eyes are on him the whole time, but he doesn’t say anything. Jensen can’t really tell what is going through his head, his face a blank mask, but he doesn’t ask him either.

“I’m going to get ready for bed,” Jensen calls over his shoulder as he walks into the bathroom and then shuts the door behind him.

Quickly, he strips down and puts on his flannel pajama pants, and pulling a t-shirt on to cover his torso. He can’t help but be self-conscious of his body, thinking himself scrawny and too pale; very unappealing in his eyes. So, he does his best to keep himself covered at all costs. He has this stupid notion in his head that if anyone were to see his pale, freckled body they would laugh.

Keeping his socks on his feet to chase away the chill, he steps to the sink and turns on the tap. Applying some toothpaste to his light blue toothbrush, he quickly brushes his teeth until his mouth feels clean and is tingling pleasantly. Lastly, he gargles with some mouthwash before spitting it out and heading back out into the room.

He stops in his tracks, just within the doorway, his eyes trained on his journal, which so happens to be in Jared’s hands. He almost wants to kick himself when he realizes he left it lying open on his bed, on his latest entry. He had forgotten all about it, which was a very stupid move on his part. Usually he isn’t careless like that, too worried about Jared reading his words.

Idly, he wonders if he could run from the room without Jared noticing. He knows this is stupid; that there is no way he can get out of the room without the other man seeing him. Besides, he is going to have to deal with this at some point, he might as well get it over with now rather than later. Plus, he really doesn’t want Jared reading any more than he already has; no need to add salt to his wound.

Striding across the room, he snatches his journal out of Jared’s hands and holds in protectively against his chest. Jared’s eyes snap up to Jensen, guilt and shame filling up those hazel depths. Jensen doesn’t say anything, hoping his face is devoid of emotion, as he sits down on his bed and lowers his eyes to stare at the gray carpet.

Hurt and betrayal are coursing through his veins, and he finds his breath hitching in his throat. He is more embarrassed than he has ever been, and his nerves are making him nauseous. He also can’t help being a little upset at Jared for reading his journal in the first place; that is just something you don’t do, and everyone knows that. He can’t even comprehend what could have compelled Jared to read it. It just boggles his mind.

“I’m sorry, Jen, I didn’t mean to. It was just lying there, and my curiosity got the best of me, and I know it was wrong, I shouldn’t have read it,” Jared rambles nervously. “I’m so sorry.”

Jensen closes his eyes and takes a deep breath to calm himself; his body is trembling noticeably. “Why would you do that, Jared? I don’t care that I left it lying open on my bed; you had no right to read it. Friends aren’t supposed to invade their friend’s privacy like that. What on earth made you think that reading my journal would be okay?”

“I know it’s no excuse, but I wasn’t thinking. I know it was wrong, and I’m so sorry, Jen. I’ll never invade your privacy again. I know I’ve broken your trust, and that kills me; I never intentionally meant to hurt you. Just, please, forgive me. I’d hate it if this tore our friendship apart.” Jared’s eyes tell Jensen that he is sincere and feels guilty as hell. It might take some time to regain his trust in Jared, but he knows he doesn’t want to lose his friendship. Forgiveness isn’t something that he finds hard to give though.

“Just don’t ever do it again,” Jensen says firmly, and he can practically feel the relief coming from Jared.

“Thanks, man, I promise I’ll never do it again,” Jared says as he stands up and pulls Jensen into a bear hug, practically squeezing the air out of him.

Jensen simply extracts himself from Jared’s long limbs and smiles softly, showing him that everything is cool between them. Truth is though, not everything is cool. They still haven’t talked about what Jared read, and he can feel the tension in the air around them. He wonders if Jared is going to bring it up, or if he is just going to ignore it. Personally, Jensen would prefer the latter. He really doesn’t want to explain how he feels about Jared, and he really doesn’t want to be let down easy, doesn’t want to feel the pain of rejection. It would be so much easier to just ignore it and move on.

Jared sits down beside him though, and he can feel the conversation approaching. Jensen tries not to flinch at the thought of it; he doesn’t want Jared to see how much this conversation is going to affect him. You’ve been rejected before, you can handle this, Jensen coaches himself silently. This is Jared, though, it’s going to hurt more than any other rejection.

When Jared lays a hand on his shoulder, Jensen releases an almost silent sigh, and reluctantly turns to face his friend. The look on Jared’s face is soft, slightly sympathetic, and a bit curious.

“Jen, that poem you wrote, did… uh, that's how you really feel?” Jared asks a bit unsure, borderline hesitant.

‘Yeah, Jay, those words were for you, and it is how I truly feel,” Jensen admits, seeing no point in lying.

Jared looks down at his hands and is silent for a moment, a mixture of emotions crossing his face. For the life of him, Jensen couldn’t name what emotions they were, far too fleeting for him to analyze.

“First off, I just want you to know that this won’t affect our friendship, you’re still one of my best friends,” Jared says, looking up straight into Jensen’s eyes. “But, I… you have to know that I don’t feel the same.”

“I know you don’t,” Jensen quickly says before Jared can continue, “and I never expected you to.”

“It’s not that I don’t want to. You’re a great guy, Jen, and if I could like you that way I would, but I’m straight, and I like Alexis,” Jared says softly, Jensen merely nods his head.

“It’s okay, Jared. I know all this already. My feelings aren’t going to get in the way of our friendship, I promise,” Jensen practically whispers, and trying to smile but falling short. “Can we just pretend you never found out and go back to the way things were before?”

“I don’t think I can just pretend, Jen, but things aren’t going to change between us. I promise not to act any differently towards you,” Jared replies sincerely.

Jensen nods his head gratefully, and then lies down on his side, facing away from Jared. He hears Jared’s whispered, “Goodnight, Jen” and then the bed dips as he stands up and goes back to his own bed. Jensen remains perfectly still, barely breathing, and closes his eyes tightly as tears threaten to spill past his barriers.

Jared was really nice in his rejection, and he chose his words carefully, but still, Jensen is hurt. Part of him held on to the hope that Jared could care about him in return, eventually, but now that illusion is shattered, and the pieces are too jagged to be picked up. He has known all along that Jared is straight, knew he had no possible chance with him, yet he still refused to give up hope. Now he is paying the price.

Chris had tried to warn him, and he knows he should’ve listened, but he just didn’t know how to let Jared go. How do you tell a heart to let go of something it loves? Making a heart stop loving someone is just about as easy as trying to make it love somebody. He knows he has to move on; he knows for sure that he and Jared will never be anything more than friends… he just wishes he knew how to do that.

Chris had suggested that he start dating, but he really doesn’t want to date anyone else. Besides, it would be unfair to date other people when his heart currently belongs to his best friend. It isn’t that he wouldn’t like to be in a relationship, to love someone and be loved in return, he just doesn’t think he is ready for that quite yet. His heart needs time to move on from Jared, and to heal before it can attempt to care that deeply about someone else.

Right now, his heart is an open wound that isn’t anywhere close to even healing yet. He is still very much in love with Jared, and feelings as deep as that don’t just go away overnight. Why do I do this to myself? Why do I always have to fall for the straight guy? Jensen silently questions miserably.

When Jensen hears Jared’s whispered, “I’m sorry Jen”, his composure slips, and the first of many silent tears slide down his face.

:0Ж0:


November 12th, 1999

“Man, this is gonna be awesome! Thanks for inviting us, Jensen,” Mike says enthusiastically, practically bouncing in his seat.

“Yeah, that was really cool of you,” Tom says politely before turning to glare at Mike. “Would you sit still for two seconds? You keep hitting me, and I won’t be liable for what I might do.”

Jensen smiles at his friends’ antics and shakes his head in amusement. When he woke up this morning, he couldn’t help but feel restless, anxious to go out and do something fun. The idea of Disneyland had come out of nowhere and sounded appealing. He invited Tom, Mike, and Jared to come along and he knows for sure that he made the right choice. It is always fun watching Tom and Mike, as there is never a dull moment when they are around.

As sad as this may sound, Jensen has never been to Disneyland before. He had never really been out of Texas before though, either. His family never really went on trips and vacations; if his parents went away, Jensen always stayed behind at a friend’s house. That is one of the reasons he wanted to go to a college out of state; he was aching for a change in scenery. He always figured he would consider Texas to be home, and part of him still does, but sometimes he can’t help feeling a little out of place there now.

He can’t deny that he loves California though. He never thought he could love another place as much, or more than Texas, but he has been proven wrong. He is really enjoying his new life; he loves his friends, most of the time he enjoys his job, and he is content with his choice in college. He can honestly say he is happy, and that is a good feeling. He couldn’t have chosen a better place to live, and, when all is said and done as far as college is concerned, he is going to make California his permanent home.

“It’s really awesome of you to invite us, but Jen, are you sure you can afford it?” Jared asks in concern from his seat behind the wheel of his Mitsubishi Montero. “Not that I’m complaining, of course, but it’s gonna be pretty pricey. Are you sure it‘s worth it?”

Jensen just smiles at this and shakes his head slightly before responding, “Life’s too short not to do things like this sometimes.”

“I fully agree with that. Now stop with all your questions before he decides to change his mind and we have to turn around,” Mike says from the backseat, scowl fixed firmly on the back of Jared’s head

“Can someone put some music on or something to drown Mike out, he’s gonna be getting on everyone’s nerves if you don’t,” Tom groans, and Jensen has to try really hard not to laugh.

Jared, however, doesn’t even try to mask his amusement as he laughs heartily. Mike begins bitching out both of his friends as Jensen reaches over and turns on the stereo, flipping through the channels until he finds a rock station. This seems to shut Mike up, who is sulking in the backseat. They all pay him no attention though, and just listen to the radio as Jensen gives Jared the directions on how to get to the theme park.

Things between him and Jared haven’t changed, surprisingly. Jared doesn’t treat him any differently than he did before, and they don’t have awkward moments like Jensen expected to happen. Everything is fine and, from an outsider’s perspective, you wouldn’t even know that something went down between them about a month ago. Jensen is surprised by just how easygoing their friendship still is. He had expected it to be strained for a while. Things had gone back to normal the next day though, and neither of them has brought it up again.

Jensen still wants Jared as much as he did before, but he is doing his best to hide it. It gets hard at times, which is only expected, but he thinks he is managing to keep his feelings to himself pretty well. For the most part, he is dealing.

One of the good things to come out of that whole mess is that Jared doesn’t talk about Alexis as much as he used to. He respects the fact that Jensen has feelings for him, and he doesn’t shove his face in it by mentioning his crush on Alexis. That is really the only way Jensen can tell that Jared remembers what was said that night, that he remembers his confession. Jensen is grateful to him for this. It used to be so hard hearing him talk about how much he cared about her. Things are smoother between them now that she no longer is a part of their daily conversations, and Jensen couldn’t be happier about that.

:0Ж0:


“Okay, so, what are we going to ride first?” Mike asks with a bounce to his step. “I suggest Space Mountain.”

“Sounds like a plan to me,” Jared says as Tom nods his head in agreement. “What do you say, Jen, Space Mountain okay with you?”

“Doesn’t matter to me,” he responds with a shrug of his shoulders. “I haven’t been here before so I’ll just let you guys decide on what to ride.”

His three friends openly gape at him in shock, and Jensen finds himself shifting from one foot to the other in embarrassment, rubbing the back of his neck like he does when he feels uncomfortable. He knew he shouldn’t have brought up the fact that he has never been here before, he knew they would make fun of him for it. He is just waiting for the surprise to subside and for the laughter to set in. It doesn’t happen.

“Alright, that means we have to ride Space Mountain and Splash Mountain,” Mike says with a wide grin on his face.

“Don’t forget the Indiana Jones ride; I think Jen would like that,” Tom adds, nudging Jensen in his side.

“You’ll probably like Thunder Mountain Railroad too,” Jared says as he wraps an arm around Jensen’s shoulders and begins leading him in the direction of Space Mountain.

“I’ll take your word for it,” Jensen replies with a smile and a soft chuckle. “So, what is Space Mountain, exactly?”

“An indoor roller coaster,” Jared responds with a smile. “It’s all dark inside, and you can see all these stars and Saturn… It’s really cool, you’ll probably enjoy it.”

Jensen smiles in apprehension at the thought of a roller coaster. He has never been a fan of roller coasters, especially the ones that go upside down. He feels a shiver run down his spine at just the thought of it, hoping upon hope that this one doesn’t do any loops. Jared laughs when he feels Jensen shiver and looks at him in amusement, as if he can read his mind.

Jensen explains that he doesn’t like being upside down, and Jared quickly reassures him that this particular roller coaster doesn’t do anything of the sort. This helps to ease Jensen’s nerves, but he can’t help still being a little apprehensive. He tries to will it away though, as he pushes onward through the crowd around them.

Before long they are standing at the back of the line for the indoor roller coaster, his friends groaning because of the length of the line. People who bought special passes breeze past them, and this just seems to agitate his friends further. Jensen just watches them grumble in amusement; he doesn’t especially enjoy the long line either, but listening to his friends makes it a little more bearable.

When Jensen turns his head, he finds Jared watching him with a soft smile on his face. Jensen can’t stop the blush that heats his cheeks, and looks down shyly. Jared sidles up beside his friend, with that smile still on his face, and punches him lightly on the arm. Jensen simply gives him a smile and tunes back into Mike and Tom’s conversation.

In the end, they wound up standing in line for over an hour before they were finally able to get on the ride. Jensen can’t imagine why anyone willingly waits that long just to ride something they would only be on for five minutes tops. He can’t deny that he enjoyed the roller coaster, though he still isn’t sure waiting that long is worth it. He is anxious to try out the other rides that his friends mentioned, however, despite how long the lines will most likely be. Judging by the line for Space Mountain, Jensen thinks it is pretty safe to assume the other lines will be just as long and frustrating.

He is just glad to be here though; can finally say that he has been to Disneyland, so he isn’t going to complain about the lines. Besides, it seems pretty pointless, and he doesn’t want to bring anyone down or annoy them on a day that is meant to be fun and relaxing. Briefly, he thinks about how he would love to tell his family about his outing, but he banishes the thought before it can put him in a depressed mood. He can always tell Mack, and that is good enough for him.

He feels kind of bad that he couldn’t invite his other friends to come along with them, but he has far too many friends, and not enough money for that. He is sure they will understand why he didn’t invite them though, so he doesn’t allow it to make him feel too guilty. He had mentioned this to Jared before they left, and all he said was, “They aren’t gonna be upset, they’ll probably tease ya about it, but they won’t be upset,” and that made Jensen feel a little better.

They get to ride the Indiana Jones ride and Splash Mountain before the rumbling in their bellies tells them they should take a break for lunch. They find a food court place and decide this is as good as any. The prices are outrageous and not worth it, considering how bad the food truly is, but Jensen isn’t paying any attention to money and tells his friends to order whatever they desire.

Jensen decides on a cheeseburger, french fries, and a medium Coke, taking his food to one of the available tables and waits for his friends. He briefly glances at the people sitting at the tables around him, mostly parents with their kids. He can remember a time when his family was like that, spending quality time together. They used to go to the fairs that came to town, riding the rides together, playing the games, eating grilled hamburgers and churros with smiles and laughter on their lips. That seems like such a long time ago, and Jensen can’t help feeling nostalgic.

As he turns away from the family that currently has his attention, his eyes land on a pair of bright blue irises, which happen to be watching him intensely. Focusing on the guy’s face rather than just his eyes, Jensen finds the alluring stranger smiling flirtatiously and winking an eye at him. Blushing shyly, Jensen brings his gaze down to the weathered table while wishing he were invisible.

It’s not that he isn’t flattered by the guy’s interest, but, seriously, who tries to pick someone up at Disneyland? Can’t this guy go to a club or a bar like normal people? He might be flattered, that much is true, but the last thing he wants is to be hit on. He didn’t come here to meet someone; he came here to spend some time with his friends and a break away from his studies.

Glancing up when the feeling of eyes upon him doesn’t ease, Jensen feels the swell of panic in his chest when he sees the guy stand up and begin making his way in his direction. Quickly, he tries to come up with something to say; a way to let this guy down easy and hope it will be enough to get him to leave him alone. Yet his mind seems to have decided to rebel against him, leaving him grasping at thin air.

By a stroke of luck, it is at this moment that his friends return to the table, and the guy, who Jensen has named Baby Face, stops in his tracks. He tries avoiding looking at Baby Face directly, hoping he will get the hint and return to his own table. Tom looks at the guy inquisitively, then turns his eyes to Jensen, and repeating this action before a soft smile appears on his face.

“Looks like someone’s interested, Jenny boy,” he teases lightly and it takes all of Jensen’s will power not to groan aloud.

“Don’t call me that,” he grumbles, staring down at his hands like there is nothing he finds more fascinating.

Mike chuckles loudly. “I have to agree with Tommy here, why don’t you go talk to him? He’s looking rather awkward standing there.”

“Yeah, like he doesn’t know whether he should come over here, now that you have company or return to his table with his tail between his legs,” Tom adds with a laugh of amusement.

“That’s not what I came here for,” Jensen protests instantly. “Besides, I’m not interested.”

Mike gives him a look, silently calling him out for the lie that it is. Jensen gives him a look in return, one that clearly says “back off”, and Mike raises his hands in surrender. Tom, however, ignores the warning, which doesn’t really surprise him; Tom is usually the one to push, while others will let it go.

Jensen lets out a sigh when Tom tries persuading him into at least talking to the guy, and see where it goes. Tom shuts up, thankfully, when Jensen tells him that he isn’t into long distance relationships, and that he doesn’t do one night stands either. Sure, he can’t deny that he finds the guy to be attractive, any gay guy with eyes would agree with him on this fact, but he honestly isn’t into that sort of thing. He only sleeps with people when it means something. Feelings are a must as far as sex is concerned.

It is at this moment when it occurs to Jensen that Jared has been silent all throughout the conversation. He looks across the table to see Jared munching on a slice of pizza, staring at him with an expression that Jensen can’t decipher. This puzzles him, of course, but he isn’t sure that now is the time to question his friend…, if ever. Part of him decides he doesn’t want to know what Jared is thinking, though he isn’t quite sure why.

Looking away, Jensen eats silently and tries not to think about Jared and why he was looking at him that way. Mike and Tom are talking, as per usual, but Jensen and Jared are both silent as they finish their lunch. Despite the concentration it takes not to give into the thoughts trying to set themselves free in Jensen’s mind, and the pressure of Jared’s stare on his form, the air surrounding the table isn’t tense or awkward. It is quite comfortable in fact, as odd as that may seem.

Finishing off the last of his fries, Jensen pushes his tray away slightly so he can put his elbows on the table and rest his chin on the back of his right hand. Mike rushes off to use the bathroom while Tom takes all their trash to one of the garbage cans set around the area, leaving Jensen and Jared alone together.

“So, are you having a good time, Jen?” Jared breaks the silence between them.

A smile grows on Jensen’s face as he thinks about how the day has gone so far. “Yeah, I’ve really enjoyed myself. This has definitely been a day to remember. I always feel like such a dork when I tell people that I haven’t been here before, and now that I’ve finally been here, it really makes me wonder why I waited so long. I’m glad I got to experience it with you guys though.”

“We’re more than happy to be here with you, you couldn’t have picked three better people to invite. I mean, Mike and Tom are like two big kids, especially Mike. They make the experience that much more memorable and enjoyable,” Jared says with a soft laugh at the thought of the two overgrown two year olds that they call their friends.

“I couldn’t agree with you more, I guess that’s why I chose them. I figured if anyone could appreciate this place, it’d be them,” Jensen replies with a smile, watching as Jared simply nods, and then frowns when it comes to his attention that Jared has been acting rather strange the past few days. “Is everything okay with you, Jared?”

“Yeah, why do you ask?” Jared asks evasively, and right then Jensen knows that something is wrong.

“Don’t give me that, man, you keep forgetting that you can’t hide anything from me,” Jensen scolds lightly, bringing a wry grin to his friend’s face. “You’ve been acting strange lately, all distant and withdrawn. That’s usually my thing, not yours.”

Jared merely stares for a moment then lets out a heavy sigh, looking away from Jensen’s inquisitive and watchful eyes. “I’ve just had a lot on my mind recently. Well, ever since I had rudely read your journal entry.”

Jensen flinches at the mention of that night, opening his mouth to speak but Jared continues, as if he knows what Jensen is going to say. “I kept thinking about what you wrote, and that poem, and it opened my eyes to a lot of things I hadn’t wanted to acknowledge. It made me think about my feelings for Alexis, and how she responds to me. It sucked and it hurt, but I realized that what you wrote was true.”

“I never meant for you to find out the way you did,” Jensen quickly interjects but Jared raises his hand, effectively stopping him from saying anything further.

“I never wanted to believe it, but some part of me knew all along that she’d never return my feelings. I stubbornly refused to give up on her, but I’ve finally realized that I can’t keep living this way.” Jared looks at Jensen intently; making sure Jensen takes in his words and understands how serious he is. “Coming to this conclusion also helped me to understand that I didn’t really care for her in that way anymore. It was just that I had been trying to get with her for so long that I didn’t want to give up after so much time and effort, ya know. I’ve had time to think it over though, have accepted the situation for what it is, and in the end, it’s helped me to move on. I guess I should be thanking you for that.”

For a moment, Jensen doesn’t know what to say. He never expected to hear Jared saying all of this, at least not this soon. “Well, I’m glad it helped you. I hated seeing you so hurt every time she shot you down. You deserve better than that.”

“With her out of the way, it has helped me to realize that I am interested in someone else - have been for a while.”

“You’re not happy unless you have a crush on someone, are ya?” Jensen tries to ease the serious moment with a joke, feeling uncomfortable with the way Jared is looking at him.

“It would probably be best if I took a break on relationships and just focused on me, but it doesn’t look like it’s going to end up that way. I already have feelings for someone, feelings I haven’t been able to ignore. Jen, it’s you. You’re the one I have feelings for,” Jared says softly with a torn expression on his face.

Out of all the things Jensen was expecting to hear, this would be last on his list, if it was even on the list at all. Jared is finally saying the one thing he has wanted to hear all along, and he can’t even enjoy the moment. He wants to laugh at the irony of it all, but another part of him wants to cry out in frustration.

“Look, Jay, you obviously don’t know what you’re saying. You couldn’t possibly like me, of all people. It… it just wouldn‘t work out, it can’t.”

“Why not? You like me and I like you, what could possibly be wrong with that? You can’t tell me that you’re over me, not that quickly. What’s the harm in at least giving it a shot? See where it goes?”

“You just figured out that Alexis isn’t going to return your feelings, and you’re trying to move on. Not to mention you’re straight, you said so yourself. No, I won’t be a rebound. I won’t be that guy, Jared, not even for you,” Jensen explains sadly. These are the last words he wants to be saying to Jared, but he knows they are true.

“I won’t deny that I’m scared and freaking out a bit, but I’ve had time to think things through, and I know this is something I want. It probably will be hard at times, I’m still new to the whole gay thing, or bi in my case, but I know I’d regret it if we don’t at least see if we can make this work,” Jared says, a serious expression firmly on his face. “Come on, Jen, don’t turn your back before we even get a chance to at least see if this can work out between us. I know you care about me; you can’t tell me that you don’t.”

“I do care about you, and that’s why I can’t give in so easily.” Jensen sighs unhappily. “It’s too soon for you to even try being in a relationship, especially with me. I don’t want this to ruin our friendship if it all goes south. I won’t let it happen.”

Jared nods solemnly and doesn’t say another word. They just sit there in silence as they wait for their friends to return from wherever they ran off to.


Next
 
 
Mood: anxiousanxious
Music: Imagine Dragons
 
 
 
Dev: oh no! fangirlnice_demon on January 22nd, 2014 04:01 pm (UTC)
Oooh competition! Nice!
At this point, I also agree that Jared is not ready to be involved in a relationship if he is not even sure of his feelings.
FadedSparksfadedsparks on January 22nd, 2014 07:44 pm (UTC)
lol Well I'm glad you liked that, and that agree about Jared not being ready. :)