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08 February 2014 @ 08:10 pm
Hands of Fate: Chapter Fifteen  
Title: Caught in the Hands of Fate
Author: fadedsparks
Beta: lunadragonx
Art: trueshellz
Fandom: RPS
Pairing: Jensen/Jared
Rated: R, with NC-17 in later chapters
Genre: AU, Angst, Romance
Disclaimer: This isn't meant to offend anyone and I am making no profit from it.
Warnings: Violence and Homophobia. Also, Jensen and Jared are the same age in this story.
Summary: Jensen has had his share of ups and downs, but he pushes forward and tries not to take life for granted. Starting college in California seems like the right choice for him, and everything is going better than he imagined it would. However, fate can be a tricky thing sometimes.



-~*~-
Chapter Fifteen:
Learning to Live Again
-~*~-



Stumbling into the bathroom, Jensen grips onto the sink and looks at his reflection in the mirror, feeling as though he doesn’t recognize the person staring back at him. His mind takes him back to three nights ago, like it has been doing so often, and once again he questions himself almost furiously. What the hell were you thinking? he screams at himself over and over in silence but it doesn’t help.

He just cannot believe his own actions, doesn’t understand where his head was at that night. He isn’t the type of person who does things like that. He doesn’t sleep with someone unless there are feelings involved. He isn’t even going to try to kid himself or come up with any excuses, he knows he doesn’t love Justin. That is what bothers him so much. He doesn’t even remotely love the guy and he slept with him on their first date. The word ‘slut’ keeps repeating in his mind and, as much as he hates it, he believes that word fits him quite perfectly.

He hasn’t seen any of his friends in the past three days, has done his best to avoid them. He knows Sophia is looking for details about how his date went and he really wants to avoid that conversation as long as he possibly can. He can’t lie to her, never has been able to, and he knows he will tell her eventually… he just doesn’t want that to be any time soon. He is just all around ashamed of himself for jumping into bed with the first guy that showed any kind of interest in him after Jared.

Were you really that desperate? He berates himself in his mind, belittling himself more and more. Sure, Justin is attractive and a total sweetheart, but that doesn’t mean you had to sleep with him like some whore!

Turning on the tap, he splashes his face with water and does his best to banish all thoughts from his mind. He has to be at work in thirty minutes and figures that will serve as distraction enough from the unwanted thoughts that have been torturing him endlessly. He briefly wonders if he is being just a tad hard on himself, but then he reminds himself of the fact that it was their first date and the self loathing begins all over again.

Releasing a heavy sigh, he reaches blindly for the hand towel and dries his face off. Changing into his work clothes, he exits the bathroom and snatches his keys up from where he tossed them when he first entered the room. Checking he has his wallet, he leaves the room, making sure to lock up, and walks the short distance it takes to get to work.

The sun is shining brightly, occasionally hiding behind fluffy white clouds, and it isn’t as cold today as it has been recently. All in all it is a beautiful day, but Jensen can’t truly appreciate it at the moment. His mood is troubled and sour and all he can feel at the moment is downhearted and ashamed of himself.

Skin against skin… sweet friction causing exquisite pleasure… moans filling the silence around the two men… slick fingers…. something much more gratifying filling him… a long expanse of neck just tantalizing inches from his lips… salt bursting on his tongue as he laps at soft skin… hands sliding down a slick back and squeezing a handful of solid flesh… tingles crawling up his spine… burst of white exploding behind his eyes as a pleasure filled cry is drawn from his lips…

Jensen snaps out of the memories and wants to scream aloud, briefly contemplating banging his head against the nearest wall. He also wants to laugh hysterically at the situation he has found himself in. Now wouldn’t that be a sight, bet people would think I was insane for sure then, he muses to himself, shaking his head at the absurdity of it all. It seems as though he goes from one bad situation to the next. He just can’t be happy. That is how it feels to him, at least.

The walk to work is a short one and he enters the small café with hunched shoulders and an expression on his face that tells people to stay away from him. Evan and Danneel are standing behind the counter, each watching him warily. Danneel’s expression is one of concern while Evan just looks curious. Jensen ignores them for the moment, heading into the back room to drop off his stuff.

Danneel grasps his arm the moment he joins them behind the counter, trying to gauge the problem by assessing him with her eyes. She frowns, however, a moment later, obviously unable to understand what is wrong. He gives her a look that clearly says he doesn’t want to talk about it right now and steps up to the register to help one of the customers. He can feel a pair of eyes on his back but he does his best to pay them little attention.

Clearing his mind of all thoughts, he focuses on engrossing himself in work and gives his first customer of the day a smile, or at least something looking vaguely like one.

:0Ж0:


“I’m heading outta here now, but don’t think I haven’t noticed how you have either been sulking all shift or looking like you’re gonna bite someone’s head off. We are going to sit down and have ourselves a little chat before I leave and I don’t want to hear any complaints, ya got it!” Danneel says in that ‘no bullshit’ tone of hers as she grabs his bicep and steers him toward a table.

Jensen knows that arguing with her when she gets like this is pointless, so he allows her to force him into a chair and doesn’t say a word. He really doesn’t want to talk about this, doesn’t want anyone to know about the level of stupidity he has stooped to, but he sees no way out of this either. He figured someone would drag it out of him eventually but he didn’t think that person would be Danneel. If anyone, Jensen figured it would be Sophia.

He groans aloud, unable to keep it in, when his friends take a seat at the table. Sophia frowns at him, forehead creased in confusion, tweezed eyebrow quirked, but doesn’t say anything, surprisingly. Jared just looks kind of uncomfortable, shifting in his seat and looking around at the occupants of the table. I’m in the same position man, Jensen silently tells him, pitying himself.

Jensen almost laughs, self-deprecatingly at the irony of it all, because for all the times Sophia could have shown up, she picks this moment. He can’t help but wonder if fate, or God, or who-the-fuck-ever, is working against him because he really doesn’t want to have this conversation now. Not that he was all that thrilled about it before, but it is going to be really awkward now.

“So, how’s it going guys?” Sophia asks, looking between Jensen and Danneel. “You’re sure a hard one to get a hold of these days, Jen. If I didn’t know any better I’d say you were avoiding me.”

The soft reprimand in her tone doesn’t go unnoticed and he has the decency to give her an apologetic smile but he doesn’t reply, not sure what he would say anyway, since he was avoiding her. He feels bad about doing it, of course, but he knew she would start asking questions the moment she saw him. She doesn’t seem to be too upset about it though, so he figures it is best not to worry himself over it at the moment.

“We were just getting ready to have a little conversation about why Jensen has been acting weird ever since he got here.” Danneel answers Sophia’s early question, keeping her eyes on Jensen though.

“What do you mean?” Sophia asks, looking at Jensen in concern. “What’s going on, Jen?”

“One minute he’s sulking and the next he looks like he’s gonna bite someone’s head off. He’s been behaving strangely and I can’t deny that it worries me,” Danneel answers before turning to Jensen once more. “So, Jensen, why don’t you just get it over with and tell us what’s going on?”

All Jensen does at first is release a sigh and stare at the floor, wishing it would open up and swallow him whole. Right now he would be thankful for anything so long as it served as a distraction from this particular conversation. Hell, his parents could walk through that door and he’d be grateful. Well, no, I think that’s taking it too far, he reasons with himself, inwardly shuddering at the thought of seeing his parents.

Just about anything, besides an unexpected visit from his parents, would be welcomed though. If he could figure out how, he would deflect away from the topic at hand. Turn the tables on them, bring up something they couldn’t help but gossip or gush about. None of his friends are going through anything at the moment that they would want to talk endlessly about though, so he knows he is trapped.

“I know that expression, you’re trying to find a way to change the subject,” Sophia accuses, giving him a disapproving look. “You might as well admit defeat, Jen, you’re not getting out of this. So, speak up already, tell us what’s going on.”

Jensen sighs once more, giving them a suffering look, though he knows they aren’t going to let him go without talking about this. That is what he gets for having great friends, though. They want to help him when they see that he is upset, doesn’t matter if he doesn’t want to talk about it. Usually he would be grateful for having caring friends, by being surrounded by people that actually care about him. But, right now, however, all he wants to do is scream and tell them to leave him alone.

He can’t do that, though. He knows they are just trying to help, and he could never be mean to them like that. If their roles were reversed, he knows he would be the one trying to get them to talk. So, really, he can’t be too upset with them.

“I went on that date with Justin, on Friday night,” Jensen says, starting the conversation with some reluctance.

Sophia’s eyes light up at the mentioning of his date and he almost lets out a laugh devoid of all humor. “I’ve been meaning to ask you how that went,” she says with giddiness in her voice that Jensen can’t reciprocate.

“Wait a minute, who’s Justin?” Danneel asks, looking confused yet curious.

“Justin’s this guy Jensen met weeks ago, he was one of his customers,” Sophia answers for Jensen and by how excited she sounds she’s acting like it was her date rather than his. “Long story short, they got along real well, Jensen finally got up the nerve to call the guy and then they made plans for a date.”

“Don’t keep all the details to yourself boy, tells us how it went,” Danneel says, sounding excited now, herself.

“He made me dinner at his place and then we watched a movie.” Jensen sighs and, for the second time in the last five minutes, wishes the floor would open up and swallow him.

“Oh my God, that is so sweet and it sounds romantic.” Sophia practically squeals, looking as though she is two seconds away from bouncing in her seat.

“This guy sounds like a total romantic, so why the hell do you look like your dog just died?” Danneel asks him incredulously, looking at him like he has suddenly grown a second head.

“Because… uh, well…” Jensen trails off, finding it hard to say the words as a lump forms in his throat. Groaning in frustration, he decides to just blurt the words out, voice colored with shame and defeat. “I slept with him, alright?”

“What?” Jared exclaims in shock, speaking for the first time, mouth agape and his eyes wide.

Sophia, on the other hand, looks like she just won the lottery. Her body is practically vibrating with poorly concealed joy, reminding Jensen of a volcano about to erupt. Danneel is smirking in that way of hers, looking like a cat with the canary.

“Okay, I know this makes me a giant pervert, but I want details!” Sophia tells him with a wide grin and Jensen just gives her a look of disbelief. “Nothing graphic,” she quickly explains, “but I want to know how it was. Was he good in bed?”

“I am so not talking about that with you, much less anyone for that matter!” Jensen replies firmly, looking disturbed and embarrassed at the same time.

“Wow, you slut!” Danneel says while giving him an impish expression, full of smugness and, dare he say, pride.

Jensen covers his face with his palms and shakes his head with a groan, mumbling into his hands, “I know, and that’s the problem.”

“You got laid, Jen…” Sophia says and pauses, like she is giving not just him the time to comprehend and contemplate the gravity of her words but herself as well. She then gives him a confused expression, though a hint of a filthy smile hides just beneath the surface. “I’m not seeing the problem.”

“I’m not the type of person that does things like this!” Jensen exclaims, voice raising a notch as he pokes himself in the chest with his fingers. He looks at his friends like they aren’t getting something very vital while at the same time looking panicked and on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

“Okay, we hear ya, calm down, Jen.” Danneel tries to ease the oncoming hysteria by talking to him in a soothing tone - it doesn’t work.

“I don’t sleep with people on the first date, that just isn’t who I am. I’ve never done anything like this before in my life.” Jensen feels like crying, he is so frustrated. He won’t, of course, but this ‘mistake’ is really affecting him. “I don’t just sleep with anyone, when I have sex it means something and there are emotions involved! I don’t do one night stands…”

“That’s good to hear.” Jensen hears from behind him and his eyes widen comically, breath catching in his throat. Slowly, he turns in his chair to find Justin standing there with a warm yet amused smile on his face. “The way I see it, we’re on the same page, ‘cause what we shared certainly wasn’t a one night deal for me. You see, I was hoping you’d be interested in going on another date with me.”

Jensen can’t seem to find his voice at the moment, shock and embarrassment rendering him speechless. The last thing he had been expecting was for Justin to be standing behind him, to overhear those words. The fact that Justin wants to go on another date, that he hadn’t thought of their night together as a one night stand, reassures him considerably. Jensen still isn’t proud of sleeping with him so soon, but knowing Justin still wants to see him makes him feel a little better about the whole thing.

From his peripheral vision he can see Jared openly glaring at Justin, lips set in a firm line and distaste clear in his very posture. This makes Jensen frown in confusion and a touch of anger. What right does he have to be rude to Justin? Jensen isn’t blind, he can see jealousy on Jared’s face. But he doesn’t think Jared has the right to be jealous, and the fact that he is pisses Jensen off. Jared left him, not the other way around. He was the one who didn’t want Jensen anymore. But at the first sign of someone else wanting him, the first sign of someone possibly sticking around for a relationship, jealousy rears its ugly head.

Jensen raises his head to meet Justin’s gaze once more, smiling shyly. “You really want to see me again?”

“I showed up here today, didn’t I?” Justin responds with a sincere yet playful smile. “Of course I want to see you again, how could I not?”

Jensen bites down on his bottom lip, considering this for a moment. Warmth spreads throughout his body as he rolls Justin’s words around in his head. This guy really is sweet, hard to believe he’s even real, he thinks to himself in amazement.

“I thought we had a good time on our date and I enjoy talking to you. You’re a great person Jensen, I like you a lot, and I’d like to see where this goes. If it doesn’t go anywhere, then fine, but I’d like to at least give it a shot. What about you?”

A smile slowly forms on Jensen’s face as he contemplates the idea. “Yeah, another date sounds nice. What day did you have in mind?”

Jared meets his eyes at this moment, looking as though he has been punched in the gut. Jensen just looks at him blankly before turning away, unwilling to bother himself with the shaggy haired man right now. Jared’s jealous, that’s fine, but it isn’t his problem either.

“I hadn’t really decided, figured we could come up with a day together. That’s why I’m here though, I was wondering if you had time to talk,” Justin says, looking at him hopefully.

“I’d love to, but here’s the problem…” Jensen begins to say, reluctant and disappointed.

“This café is no place to talk if privacy is what you’re lookin’ for,” Danneel interrupts, looking at Jensen with a sly smile and a gleam in her eyes. “Why don’t you guys head out for a while, go somewhere less crowded.”

“But I still have my shift to finish, I’ve got a few hours to go.” Jensen reminds her and gives Justin an apologetic expression.

“You’ve covered for me before, I’m just returning the favor. Now, get outta here and have a nice long talk,” Danneel replies, voice resolute as she smacks him on the arm and motions for him to leave.

Offering her a grateful smile, he rises from his seat, tells his friends a brief goodbye, and tries not to dwell on the crushed expression he saw on Jared’s face as he follows Justin out of the building.

Jensen heads toward the familiar Honda Civic parked in the lot but stops when a hand grabs his wrist. He questions Justin with his eyes and smiles when the older man proposes that they take a walk. Nodding his head, the two men fall in step with one another as they make their way down the sidewalk. Jensen doesn’t really know what to say to start this conversation so he opts to stay quiet.

A companionable silence befalls them, one Jensen finds to be relaxing and comfortable. He hasn’t known Justin for long but he enjoys the man’s company and finds his presence a welcomed addition to his life. Even if they weren’t interested in dating each other, Jensen would still want Justin to be a part of his life, would like to have his friendship. The guy is easy to be around, sensible and down to earth, has a great sense of humor and is an all around joy to talk to. How could he not find that appealing in any sense?

What he finds hard to believe is that a guy like Justin wants him around, wants to see where dating would take them.

“I meant what I said,” Justin suddenly breaks the silence between them, startling Jensen in the process. “I really do like you, a lot, and I’d really like to see if there could be something between us. But… I dunno, I just got this feeling back in the café… and it wasn‘t just today either.”

“What do you mean?” Jensen asks in confusion.

“You seem kind of guarded, like you’ve been hurt not too long ago. I can tell that you like me, I know you’re trying, but there are times it seems like you’re fighting this, you’re reluctant to see this through and give it a shot because that would mean you‘d have to open yourself up to it.” Justin explains the best he can, looking at Jensen solemnly. Though, what he is solemn about, the fact that Jensen’s afraid or that someone hurt him, Jensen isn’t sure.

“And that guy, back there at the café, I wasn’t blind to the glare he was giving me. I could tell he didn’t want me there, wasn’t happy I was there to see you. I don’t know if it’s because he has a thing for you or if there’s history between you, but there are definite feelings there.”

Releasing a sigh, Jensen stops walking and turns to face Justin. “Jared’s my ex-boyfriend, we broke up almost three months ago. I’m not gonna get into it and tell you why, but that is over between us and we’re just friends now.”

“Are you sure he knows that?” Justin asks carefully. “Seemed to me like he still has feelings for you.”

“He broke up with me and he isn’t coming back. His reasons for leaving me would keep him from coming back to me even if he wanted to. Besides, I wouldn’t take him back even if he wanted me. He hurt me pretty bad, and it’s taken me a while to get over it. I’m not putting myself in that position again, I refuse!” Jensen tells him firmly.

“You can honestly say you wouldn’t take him back if he came back begging and pleading on his knees?” Justin asks incredulously. “I may not know you very well at all but I’d have to be an idiot not to see how much you care about him.”

“I care about him, of course I do, and I always will. But, Jared isn’t going to change and I’m not gonna fool myself into thinking there’s a chance that he will. He will always hurt me in the end, no matter how great a relationship might sound at first, and I won’t let him do that again. I wouldn’t survive it a second time and I’ll do whatever it takes to protect myself from that.” Jensen’s voice becomes practically a whisper by the time he’s finished speaking.

“You might have yourself convinced right now but a person in love does crazy things, you’ll never truly know if you’ll take him back or not until that particular day comes,” Justin responds, still not believing Jensen and he realizes nothing he says can reassure him. “I know that isn’t what you want to hear but it’s the truth.”

“I can’t make you believe me when I say I’m going back to Jared, I’m not even gonna try anymore, but I know that I won’t and I‘m secure enough to know it’s the truth,” Jensen speaks quietly. “Look, I can understand if you’re reluctant to date me now, I’d be hesitant too if I were in your position. We could just stay friends if you want, I wouldn‘t blame you if you did.”

Justin lowers his head, releasing a soft sigh, and steps closer. “No, that isn’t what I want, couldn’t be the farthest thing from what I want, in fact,” His voice is quiet as he rests a hand on the side of Jensen’s neck and looks him in the eyes. “But I’m just not entirely sure you’re ready to be dating again.”

“I’m not saying it’s going to be easy, and I won’t deny being afraid of opening my heart to someone again, but I know I’d regret it if I didn’t give this a try. The real question here is, are you willing to give this a try knowing how tough it may be at times?”

Justin’s eyes sweep over Jensen’s every feature a moment as a soft smile full of warmth pulls at his lips, turning them upward. “I’m more than willing Jensen, that hasn’t changed, I just wanted to be certain that you were ready,” he replies sincerely, eyes locked with Jensen’s.

Jensen nods his head slowly, feeling relief rush through him. He is still a little hesitant about the whole thing, which is to be expected, but he didn’t want this to end before it even had the chance to begin. He might be scared, but that doesn’t mean he wouldn’t want to see where this will lead. Justin is a good person, Jensen enjoys being with him, and he just may be the person who can find the way to his heart.

“You know, I could tell from the moment I saw you that you were special, and as I have gotten to know you I’ve realized just how amazing you really are. I could easily get attached to you, Jensen. I don’t mean to say that to scare you, I just wanted you to know how great you are because something tells me you don’t see it,” Justin’s breath ghosts over his lips and his eyes flutter closed of their own accord, practically drinking in every word. “Once you’d captured my attention you managed to keep it; not many people have been able to do that. You make me laugh and I enjoy spending time with you. Just from our few conversations I can tell you have a big heart, you’re passionate and loyal to a fault. I’d be crazy not to want you in my life, in any way, shape or form.”

Jensen looks back at him in a mixture of astonishment and fondness, beyond touched by those soft spoken words, tears actually filling his eyes. “You really mean all that?” Jensen whispers, as though he is afraid to believe Justin could be speaking truthfully, like someone believing so highly and kindly of him is unbelievable.

“I wouldn’t have said it if I didn’t mean it,” Justin whispers back. “You need to give me the names of the people who made you have such low self-esteem so I can kick their asses.”

Jensen laughs softly at this, giving Justin a radiant smile and looking at him as though he is just seeing him for the first time. “Thanks, no one’s ever had such nice things to say about me before, I’m a little overwhelmed at the moment.”

“Well, it’d be in your best interest to get used to it ‘cause I’m sure I’ll be telling you as often as I can.” Justin smiles as well, breathtaking and full of sunshine.

A gasp of surprise escapes Jensen’s lips when Justin’s mouth suddenly descends down onto his own, right there on the sidewalk for anyone to see. Jensen is so used to his boyfriends being afraid of pubic displays of affection that he finds himself stunned, unable to drag himself out of the daze he is in and reciprocate. His little gasp gave Justin the chance to deepen the kiss though, and the moment he feels a tongue caressing his own he snaps back to awareness and does his best to give as good as he is receiving.

Sliding his fingers through the short hair at the back of Justin’s head, he tangles his tongue with the older man’s, exploring every crevice and the inside of his cheeks. Justin pulls his bottom lip into his mouth with his teeth, biting down on it and then swiping his tongue over it to ease the sting. Jensen feels lightheaded and weightless as Justin continues to devour his mouth, making his body tingle and stealing his breath.

He has to pull out of the kiss far sooner than he would have liked when air becomes an issue, panting hard like he just ran the hundred mile dash. Justin smiles at him around his own pants of breath and Jensen finds it contagious, smile lifting his lips instantly. His smile grows wider when Justin takes his hand, holding it tightly, and motions for them to resume their walk.

Jensen just can’t believe this is happening to him, someone actually doesn’t mind holding his hand and kissing him in public. He likes it, a lot, and could easily get used to this kind of treatment. It all seems so surreal but he has been aching for this kind of affection for so long that he finds himself grasping at it with both hands. And, for the first time, he genuinely hopes this goes somewhere because Justin is sweet and totally secure and Jensen’s a little afraid he will never find someone like him again.

:0Ж0:


December 23rd, 2000

Jensen steps out of the taxi, paying his fare, and then walks up the driveway and knocks on the door. Shifting from one foot to the other, he waits a minute before knocking his fist against the smooth white wood once more. Seconds later he hears grumbling from the other side about ‘impatient fuckheads’ and can’t help the smile that crosses his face, shaking his head in amusement.

Jensen is met with Chris’ glare the moment the door flies open and his smile just widens. Patting his friend on the arm, he slips into the house and heads into the living room where he is sure Steve can be found. Chris grumbles behind him, something about ‘putting up with good for nothing friends’ but Jensen ignores him. He knows how Chris can get when he is in a mood, he doesn’t take any offense to anything Chris says when he gets like this.

Jensen’s stride stutters before ceasing completely when he finds Jared sitting on the recliner watching TV with Steve. He hadn’t been expecting to see him here, thought he’d be in Texas long before now, visiting his family for Christmas. Things have been tense and awkward ever since he started seeing Justin so he has been doing his best to avoid his ex at all costs. Nevertheless, he is here now and he can’t exactly turn around and leave. He wouldn’t want to anyway; he refuses to let this awkward tension drive him away from his friends.

Taking a deep breath and gathering his nerve, he steps into the living room and smiles happily at Steve. His friend grins as well as he rises from his seat on the couch and pulls him in for a hug. Jensen embraces him back, grinning from ear to ear, before pulling back and flopping down on the last available chair. He manages to greet Jared with a tight smile, hoping it doesn’t look as false as it feels, and Jared gives a small smile in return.

“Wasn’t expecting to see you,” Jensen says, part curious to know why he is still in California and part just to start a civil conversation. “What are you doing here anyway? Shouldn’t you be with your family by now?”

Jared sighs, looking disappointed and sad. “I didn’t have the money for a plane or bus ticket this year so I’m stuck in Cali for Christmas,” he explains with that crestfallen expression on his face that Jensen has always hated to see. “My mom said they all understood, but I’m not accepting it so easily. This will be the first Christmas spent without my family.”

“I’m really sorry Jared, I know how tough it can be,” Jensen replies sincerely, feeling honest remorse for the shaggy haired man. Things may be odd and strained between them right now but he doesn’t hate the guy and knows how much his family means to him, not being able to spend such an important holiday with them must be killing him.

“Yeah, I know you do,” he responds, eyes growing more somber as he thinks about Jensen’s situation.

Jensen becomes increasingly uncomfortable at where this conversation is headed and is more than grateful when Chris enters the room and drops down onto the couch beside his boyfriend, demanding Jensen’s attention. Even though a whole year and some odd months have passed he still finds it difficult to talk about his family. That particular topic still manages to put him in a depressed state and bring tears to his eyes. He doubts it will ever stop hurting but he has to hope that one day he will be able to talk about them without breaking apart inside.

Chris leans back against the couch, kicking sock clad feet up onto the coffee table and grinning in amusement when Steve yells at him for it. Jensen just shakes his head, laughing silently. He can always count on Steve and Chris to entertain him. Annoyed when Chris ignores his demand, Steve pushes his boyfriend’s feet off the table and hides a grin when Chris flounders for a moment.

Chris glares at his boyfriend for a second, whom is pre-occupying himself with turning on the television, and then leans his elbows on his knees, focus solely on Jensen. “So, Jenny Bean, how did the second date go with Prince Charming?”

Jensen glares at his friend for the hated nickname. “How many times do I have to tell you not to call me that?” he asks in annoyance. “And don’t make fun of him either, he’s actually a nice guy.”

“Wasn’t making fun, son,” Chris smirks. “Interesting how you’re quick to defend him though, you must really like this guy.”

Jensen blushes and has to force himself not to look away. “He took me out to eat and, yes, I had a good time. That’s all I’m telling you though, so don’t pressure me for more information.” Jensen deliberately withholds the fact that it was the restaurant Justin works at and it was after hours and they had the whole restaurant to themselves. It was romantic and incredible and Chris would just find some way to make fun of it, so Jensen keeps it to himself.

Chris just smiles that smile that says he thinks he knows everything and then turns his attention to the television. Jensen simply continues to watch him for a moment before deciding it is pointless trying to understand where his friend’s head is at and slouches down into a more comfortable position.

Some new video has come on and Jensen’s head snaps up when he hears the first few words of the first verse. He has heard this song before, but he never really paid close attention to the words. For some strange reason though, the words have captured his attention this time and as he listens to them he finds himself thinking of one person and one person alone.

And I’d give up forever to touch you
‘Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You’re the closest to heaven that I’ll ever be
And I don’t want to go home right now
And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
‘Cause sooner or later it’s over
I just don’t want to miss you tonight


Jensen chances a glance in Jared’s direction and finds him listening intently to the song as well, seemingly captivated. Could he possibly be thinking the same thing as I am? he silently questions as he listens to the song and watches the expressions crossing Jared’s face. He doesn’t want to believe that Jared has the same thought in mind, yet a part of him desperately needs to hope that he does. Conflicting emotions that do what they were created to do, and that is drive Jensen insane.

He had hoped that he was on the path to moving on from Jared, and possibly giving a larger part of his heart to Justin in the future if all went according to plan, but the first time he hears a love song the first person that comes to mind is Jared. Damnit! Jensen screams in his mind, frustration and a deep seated pain being brought forth. ‘And I‘d give up forever to touch you, ’cause I know that you feel me somehow’, those were the lyrics that caught his attention and immediately made him think of the shaggy haired man sitting across from him.

He briefly entertains the idea of hating that line forever, but knows he could never hate those words no matter how hard he tried, just like he now knows he isn’t completely over Jared. He may be happy with where things are going with Justin, but he can’t seem to banish Jared from his thoughts and heart as easily as he had hoped he could. Right at this moment, if just in his mind, he can admit that he misses Jared. Moving on with his life is hard as hell and he isn’t dealing as well as he would like everyone to think; he has even managed to fool himself.

He is dating Justin now though, and he refuses to hurt the older man. He meant what he said to him a week ago, he really does like him and wants to see where this thing between them is headed. He just realizes, now, how much time and effort it will take getting over Jared and fully opening his heart again.

And I don’t want the world to see me
‘Cause I don’t think that they’d understand
When everything’s made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am


Jared turns his head away from the television, reminiscent and contemplative expression wiped away to be replaced by another one all together. Jared’s eyes bore into Jensen’s, shining the same expression that his face wears, and Jensen can instantly put a name to those emotions; longing and regret. This is the last thing he wants to see, doesn’t want those emotions directed at him, can’t handle it now. When they first broke up this was all he had desperately ached to see, but right now is the worst possible timing.

Unable to deal with the implications of the emotions on Jared’s face, Jensen rises from his seat, makes his excuses quickly, and then rushes from the house. He just cannot handle this right now, is unprepared, and the emotions crashing through him are unbearable. Being in Jared’s presence right now is practically tearing him apart.

“Jensen, we need to talk, don’t run away from this, please.” Jared’s voice is desperate as he grasps Jensen’s arm and stops him before he can get to the end of the driveway.

“No, I can’t talk about this, I don’t want to.” Jensen protests, feeling on the edge of a panic attack or a nervous breakdown.

“I know you were just as affected as I was back there, you can’t deny that, your eyes told me everything I needed to know,” Jared says, turning Jensen to face him and holding on to both of his biceps so he can’t get away. “I know you miss me too, Jen.”

“No, Jared, you don’t get to do this. You left me. You didn’t want me anymore, you were too much of a damn coward to be yourself and I got hurt because of it. You don’t get to have this conversation now that you realize you fucked up, you don’t deserve for me to listen to you now. By the way, you have lousy timing,” Jensen rants, face red with emotion and jaw clenching in anger. “So, no, we’re not having this conversation and I don’t care how much you beg and plead. You’re too late!”

Wrenching Jared’s hands off of him, he turns on his heel and storms off. He ignores Jared’s pleads and screams for him to come back, just like he pretends those wet streaks running the length of his face aren’t tears.


Next

Lyrics:
Iris - by Goo Goo Dolls
 
 
Mood: sicksick
Music: Silence of September
 
 
 
Angeangieboo878 on February 10th, 2014 12:45 am (UTC)
Hey! Long time no talk. I'm really enjoying reading this through again, I missed these boys. I hope you feel better soon *hugs*
FadedSparksfadedsparks on February 10th, 2014 06:09 am (UTC)
I know I've made myself rather scarce lately but I hope all is going well for you! And thank you, I'm taking it one day at a time. *hugs* I'm glad you're enjoying reading this again. There's more to come very soon!