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23 February 2014 @ 11:04 pm
Hands of Fate: Chapter Twenty-One  
Title: Caught in the Hands of Fate
Author: fadedsparks
Beta: lunadragonx
Art: trueshellz
Fandom: RPS
Pairing: Jensen/Jared
Rated: R, with NC-17 in later chapters
Genre: AU, Angst, Romance
Disclaimer: This isn't meant to offend anyone and I am making no profit from it.
Warnings: Violence and Homophobia. Also, Jensen and Jared are the same age in this story.
Summary: Jensen has had his share of ups and downs, but he pushes forward and tries not to take life for granted. Starting college in California seems like the right choice for him, and everything is going better than he imagined it would. However, fate can be a tricky thing sometimes.



-~*~-
Chapter Twenty-One:
Never Meant to Let You Down
-~*~-



January 5th, 2001

Jared wakes up to the sound of his alarm with a groan, slamming his hand down onto the off button before yawning loudly and stretching languidly. He lies there for a lengthy moment, simply staring up at the ceiling and letting the haze of sleep slowly leave him. He stares at a water stain on the ceiling above his bed without actually seeing it; his thoughts have drifted to last night and all the things that were said. Jensen’s defeated and resigned expression is engrained in his memory and the image just makes the guilt well up inside him more and more.

He hates the way he left things between them, the implications that were made. He only just recently got Jensen back in his life; it was a miracle Jensen took him back at all, and he had to go and fuck it all up again. That seems to be a running theme for him, seems to be the only thing he knows how to do lately.

He doesn’t want their relationship to end, doesn’t want the distance to tear them apart again, but this damn fear inside him is controlling his life. He knows he shouldn’t let it; Jensen means the world to him and he is going to lose him if he doesn’t conquer this fear, and while he doesn’t want that, he also doesn’t know what to do about it either. He feels like he is caught in the middle, forced to choose between Jensen and his family. He doesn’t know if he can, no matter what was said the night before.

All he can think about is how Jensen’s family reacted and Jared is terrified that his family will react the same way. Everyone knows he is a family man, they mean more to him than his own life, and to lose them would be worse than dying. But losing Jensen, the thought is devastating and he thinks he would be lost without his boyfriend. Jared’s head is just really mixed up right now; not sure what he can do, what direction he can turn without possibly losing something vital in his life. He doesn’t want to lose his family but he doesn’t want to give up Jensen either.

Maybe letting him go would be the right thing to do though, if you’re not willing to be honest with your family, a voice tells him wisely. You’re only hurting him by holding onto him like you are, and he deserves to be in a loving and committed relationship… maybe letting him go would be the best thing you could do for him.

Jared pushes the unwanted thoughts away, part of him knowing the right thing may just be letting Jensen go but feeling deep in his heart he might never be able to do that, the selfish part of him wanting to hold on with both hands. He and Jensen have gone through so much together, and deep down he knows they are meant to be together. They have hit some rough patches, mainly caused by Jared himself, but he has never been happier than when he is with Jensen. He can’t just give up on that so easily.

He feels like laughing hysterically when he thinks about how incredibly bad this visit has turned out to be. He had wanted this trip to be a good thing, a step forward if you will, and along the way he managed to screw it up royally. Instead of bringing Jensen closer to him, Jared managed to push him further away.

Jensen is seriously thinking about leaving him, Jared knows this with painful clarity. If Jensen walks away Jared knows he will have lost him for good, there will be no more chances, and what scares him even more is that he doesn’t know if they will even be able to be friends one day, not after everything that has happened between them. He honestly doesn’t want to lose Jensen, feels like he is suffocating just at the thought of it. He loves Jensen, and he needs him in his life, even if just as a friend, he can’t lose him. It’s as plain and simple as that.

How do I stop that from happening though? He questions his ceiling and receives no answer in return.

Jared lets out a heavy sigh when he realizes his thoughts are getting him nowhere and he forces his body out of bed, feet landing on plush carpeting. He rubs his eyes tiredly and groans at the exhaustion weighing him down. He is starting to regret staying out as late as he did, despite setting his alarm for a later time than he originally planned. Sleeping in until a quarter past eleven is something he rarely does but he hadn’t gotten to sleep until after two in the morning and he knew a little extra sleep would be needed. However, despite that, he still feels like the walking dead.

Forcing himself to his feet, he stumbles out of his room and heads downstairs where he can hear his mom rummaging around in the kitchen. He enters the room to find her banging pots and pans around, searching for one in particular and getting frustrated when she can’t locate it. She glances up when she hears his approach, sending a welcoming smile and a good-natured “Good morning” his way before disappearing into the cupboard once more. Jared just shakes his head in amusement and slides into a seat at the table, shoulders hunched with tiredness.

He stifles a yawn with the palm of one hand and glances around, taking note of the voices of his siblings coming from the living room and catching a glimpse of his dad in the backyard. He startles slightly when a cup of hot coffee is placed on the table in front of him and he looks up to find his mom’s smiling face staring back at him. He sighs gratefully when he lifts the mug to his nose and inhales deeply, feeling just like Jensen at the moment.

His stomach flips at the thought of Jensen, mind immediately going back to the conversation the previous night and being reminded of the way things are between them at the moment. His mom must catch the grimace that passes over his features because her face scrunches up in concern and she drops down onto the chair beside him, ever watchful eyes trained solely on him. He shifts uncomfortably under her close scrutiny, hoping she doesn’t question him because he isn’t quite sure what he would say.

He glances around once again, taking note of everyone and finding someone missing. “Where’s Jensen?” he asks, turning to his mom, confusion clear on his face.

She shrugs, watching him closely like he is some puzzle she can’t put together. “I’m assuming he’s still asleep ‘cause I haven’t seen him this morning. You boys were out late last night though, weren’t you? I stayed up until past twelve and you weren’t home by the time I went to bed.”

“Yeah, we probably stayed out later than we should have actually, considering we have a plane to catch this afternoon,” Jared grins sheepishly, trying to hide any true emotion crashing through him, the guilt and regret. “I’m just gonna go check on him, see if he’s up yet.”

His mom watches as he stands and just nods her head silently, the expression on her face telling him that he isn’t doing such a bang up job of hiding his feelings and now thoughts are racing through her head. Jared doesn’t stay long enough for her to get even more curious and tries not to run from the room, from her eyes that are trying to penetrate the wall he has put up.

He feels like he can breathe a little easier the moment he is out of sight and he walks slowly to Jensen’s closed door, trepidation swimming through his veins as he raises his hand and knocks quietly. He stands there silently for a moment, waiting for a response of any kind but receives none. He lets out a sigh, wondering if Jensen even heard him or if he is just ignoring the knock.

When he knocks again, a bit louder this time, and still receives no answer he closes his eyes and bites his lower lip. He knew this wasn’t going to be easy, knew things would be strained between them, but to have Jensen completely ignoring him now… well, it hurts. He knows he has no right to feel this way, he caused all this mess after all, but he can’t help it. He wishes there was some way he could fix it but he just isn’t sure how he can do that without stepping up to the plate right here and now and telling his family about them. Just the thought makes him break out into a sweat, his heart racing in panic and his hands shaking.

I don’t deserve him, he silently acknowledges as he leans his forehead against the cool wood of the door, sorrow clenching his heart in a tight fist and tears pricking his eyes. He clenches his eyes tightly to stave off the quickening flow of emotion, releasing a calming sigh, and unconsciously caresses the door like he can feel Jensen through the wood.

“Jensen?” he questions softly, loud enough for Jensen to hear but no one else. “Please open the door. Just… talk to me, please. We can’t leave things like this, we need… we have to talk, I don’t want…” he trails off with a heavy sigh, unable to find the right words to express himself, no matter how hard he searches.

“I never wanted things to be like this between us… I never wanted to lose you,” he whispers quietly, heart weighed down and achy. Lifting his head, he stares at the still closed door with resignation in his eyes. “Alright, I’ll give you some time alone and you can come out when you’re ready.”

He turns away from the unforgiving door, the barrier between him and the one he loves, and dejectedly heads back into the kitchen. His mom looks up the moment he enters and her eyebrows draw together in concern at the sight of him. He figures he probably looks the epitome of a kicked puppy, shoulders slumped in defeat and expression withdrawn. She is at his side in an instant, guiding him to the chair he vacated moments ago and she takes a seat once more, not taking her hand from his arm.

“What’s wrong honey?” she asks without preamble. “I thought you were going to check on your friend. Is everything okay?”

Jared lets out a low breath and smiles the best he can. “Yeah, I’m fine. I guess he’s not ready to come out yet though, so I just left him alone for now.”

“That’s what he said? Is he feeling alright?” she asks when Jared falls silent.

“No, he didn’t even answer me when I knocked.” Jared answers before he realizes he gave her more information than he intended. The last thing he wanted was for her to know things are kind of strained between them because then she would want to know what is going on. Guess I blew it there, he thinks to himself wryly.

She studies him silently for a moment, a range of emotions crossing her face but he can’t decipher any of them. He knows her suspicion has been peaked though, that is just how his mother is, always curious and worried about the affairs concerning her loved ones. She doesn’t mean to be a busybody, but when one of her family is hurting she can’t help but get herself involved. It is just how she has always been and they all have come to accept it.

“Did you and Jensen have some kind of fight, Jared?” Her eyes are soft and concerned as she looks at him, telling him she will listen and try to help the best she can, and he has to look away before he opens his mouth and tells her everything.

“Yeah, we had an argument last night. Some things were said, mostly on my part, and then I left and drove around for hours. He said he’d call a cab to bring him back and I needed time to clear my head so I left him there. He was pretty upset with me so it’s kind of expected that he wouldn’t want to talk to me today,” Jared admits with a sigh, leaving out what they were arguing about but still feeling a bit better for getting it off his chest.

His mom looks at him disapprovingly and he is brought back to his younger years, getting scolded for doing something bad and feeling like he failed his mom. “You just left him at the bar alone, in a town he knows nothing about, to find his own way back?” She questions him disbelievingly, that disapproving expression still on her face. “I thought I taught you better than that, Jared.”

“Mom, please don’t… I feel guilty enough as it is,” Jared whispers, lowering his head in shame.

His mom lets out a sigh and gives his arm a tender squeeze. “Well, I hope you two work out your differences because he is a really nice boy and I can tell you two are close. I’d hate to see you guys have a falling out. Not to mention I’d like you to bring him round for Christmas next year, we’d love to have his company.”

Jared just stares at her for a long moment, trying to detect the meaning in her tone but failing. He finally just nods his head, “You guys really like him, huh?”

“Of course we do, what’s not to like? He’s a good boy, very polite with a generous heart, and I can tell that you really like him. He is definitely an upgrade from some of the other people you’ve brought through that door through the years,” she says with a laugh but her eyes are sincere. “Seriously Jared, we like him, and we wouldn’t mind seeing him again. So you fix the problems between you.”

“Yes ma’am,” Jared responds automatically, feeling as though this conversation had significance to it that he isn’t quite following. His mom couldn’t have meant her words in the way she made them sound though, because Jared has been careful and he is pretty confident that she is totally in the dark regarding his and Jensen’s relationship.

God, it’d be wonderful if she knew and accepted us though, he thinks with more longing than he expected to feel. He hadn’t realized until this very moment just how much he wants her blessing, wants her to approve of Jensen, of their relationship. That isn’t going to happen until I fess up about our relationship though, and even then she may not give us her blessing… no, she might be disgusted, just like Jensen’s mom.

“Jared.”

He is pulled out of his thoughts at the sound of his sister’s voice, and he turns to find her standing in the entryway. “Come watch Family Guy with me?” she asks with an unsure smile, sensing the tension in the room.

Jared rubs his face tiredly but gives her a small smile. “Sure, I can do that.”

“I don’t know if I like you guys watching that show, it sets a bad example,” their mom speaks up with a frown to which both Jared and Megan share a smirk.

“Step into the twenty-first century mom, you’re so old fashioned,” Jared teases lightly and laughs when his mom sends an indignant look his way and swats him with a dishtowel until he runs from the room, laughing the whole way.

Teach me to number my days
And count every moment
Before it slips away
Take in all the colors
Before they fade to grey


:0Ж0:


Jared stretches his sinewy body out on the couch, all cat like, and smirks when his sister grouches at him because he has his legs across her lap like she isn’t even there. He just grins, showing her that he couldn’t care in the slightest, and crosses his legs at the ankle. Megan huffs with a playful glare fixed firmly on her features before knocking his legs off, making him tip precariously on the couch, nearly toppling over onto the floor. He flails for a moment inelegantly before regaining his balance and sending his sister a heated glare. Megan just smiles at him, trying to retain an air of innocence which doesn’t fool Jared at all and she yelps in protest when he pinches her very ticklish side.

Jared swivels his head around to the clock hanging on the wall and lets out a sigh when he sees he and Jensen have an hour before they need to be at the airport. That leaves them just enough time to gather their belongings and say their goodbyes before they have to rush off to make it in time for their flight. Part of Jared hates to leave, he always feels this way after visiting his family, but another part will be glad to get back to California. Jared is a long way from figuring out how to fix things with Jensen but the familiarity of California, their home, makes him feel more confident for some strange reason that he doesn’t fully understand.

He sends Megan a regretful look before drawing himself to his feet and slowly making his way over to Jensen’s bedroom door, wondering if Jensen will even acknowledge him this time. He knocks on the door with a heavy heart and bated breath and feels like pulling his hair out in frustration when his knock goes unanswered. He knows Jensen is upset with him, has every right to be, but avoiding him like this and not even acknowledging a knock on his door is just plain childish. Jensen has never acted like this before and that worries Jared more than anything, makes him wonder if things are worse between them than he originally believed.

“Come on, Jen, we’ve got an hour to get our shit together before we have to catch our flight,” Jared waits a few beats of a minute, practically holding his breath waiting for a response and sighing audibly when, once again, he is ignored. “Damn it… Jen, I know you’re pissed at me, and I get it, but aren’t you gonna at least come say goodbye to my family?”

Jared can feel his patience wearing thin when he still receives no answer and he is decidedly relieved when he grasps the doorknob and finds it to be unlocked. He cautiously enters the room, unsure what mood Jensen will be in, and feels his heart jump into his throat when he pushes the door open completely. The room is empty, not a soul in sight, and the bed is still made. Jared is drawn to one of two conclusions. Either Jensen never came home last night or he left early this morning while everyone was still asleep. Neither scenario is a particularly good one but the former worries Jared the most.

Jared quickly crosses the room and thrusts open the closet doors, breath hitching in his throat when he sees Jensen’s duffel on the floor. Jared turns away from the closet, silently cursing himself for not checking on Jensen last night when he got home, though rationally he couldn’t have known. That doesn’t help to make him feel any better though, because Jensen obviously never came home last night and now one question is repeating over and over again in his head like a mantra: where is Jensen?

He half stumbles, half runs from the room and his family looks up at him in surprise when he rushes into the living room, wide eyed and panicked. His mom rounds the couch without another moment’s hesitation and steps close to him, placing a hand on his arm and telling him to calm down. Jared feels like his heart is about to burst out of his chest, heaving breaths escaping his lungs as he tries to speak. His mom leads him over to the couch and tries to get him to sit down and explain what is wrong but the panic flowing through his veins won’t allow him to calm down, the need to run out the door and find Jensen too strong.

Jared tears his arm out of her grasp more roughly than he intends and starts pacing the room, hands shaking as he runs his fingers through his hair and lets out a shaky breath. “Jensen’s not in his room,” he speaks with an edge of hysteria in his tone as he lifts his eyes and looks at his family members with wide eyes. “Jensen’s not here!”

“Jared, you need to calm down,” his dad’s stern voice suddenly breaks through the panic clouding his mind and he looks up to find his dad at his side, looking concerned but composed. “Now, take a deep breath and try explaining what’s wrong.”

Jared does as instructed, taking in a deep breath before letting it out on a long exhale and repeating the process once more. “I just went to the guest room to tell Jensen we have to get ready to go,” Jared speaks as clearly as he can with panic trying to get the best of him again. “When he didn’t answer me I let myself in, but… he isn’t in there, he’s not here! I know he didn’t leave without me either ‘cause his stuff is still in the closet.”

“Honey, don’t you think you’re worrying for nothing? He could have just gone for a walk this morning, I’m sure he’ll turn up any minute now,” His mom tries to console him, make him see reason, but deep in Jared’s gut he has a bad feeling.

“No, if he went for a walk he would have been back by now, not to mention he would have left a note ‘cause he hates worrying anyone. That just isn’t like Jen, I know him, and he wouldn’t have just taken off like that without letting anyone know beforehand,” Jared tells them, completely convinced. “Something’s wrong mom, I can feel it. We have to find him.”

His parents simply stare at him for a moment, trying to discern how serious he is and if there is any real cause to worry. Something on Jared’s face must convince them because the expression on his dad’s face hardens and he gives a nod of his head. His mom looks more concerned now as she unconsciously rubs Jared’s arm soothingly, while Megan and Jeff just look on with an identical wide set of eyes.

“Alright, grab your shoes, we’ll go out and look for him,” his dad says as he pulls his car keys out of the pocket of his jeans.

Jared doesn’t have to be told twice as he practically races to the stairs and takes them two at a time. He finds his shoes where he kicked them off last night, one lying in front of his nightstand and the other half under his bed, and puts them on as quickly as he can with shaking hands. He nearly trips in his haste to get back downstairs but this doesn’t deter him as he rushes to the front door where his dad is waiting for him.

His dad merely raises his eyebrows, silently asking if he is ready to go, and Jared just nods his head as he waits impatiently for his dad to open the door. The moment the door is open Jared practically runs outside, nearly bowling his dad over in his haste, and he is grateful to find the door of his dad’s pickup truck unlocked. He climbs into the cab, restraining himself in time before he slams the door behind him, and he can’t stop from fidgeting in his seat as his dad gets behind the wheel.

“Got any ideas where we should look first?” his dad asks as he turns the key and the engine rumbles to life.

“Last place I saw him was at the bar we went to last night, it’d probably be best to start there and see where it takes us,” Jared answers as calmly as he can while sitting on the edge of his seat anxiously, figuratively speaking.

Just as they are pulling out of the driveway Jared sees Megan run out of the house with a desperate look on her face as she waves her arms about and screams at the top of her lungs to get their attention. Jared points her out to his dad and jumps out of the truck when his dad hits the brakes. At first all Jared can think is maybe Jensen just called and told them he is on his way, but the genuine fear in his sister’s eyes has his heart jumping into his throat as a sense of foreboding settles over him like a gray cloud.

Megan’s eyes are wide with a touch of fear as she breathlessly tells him he needs to come back into the house, now. The urgency in her tone puts Jared on his guard and all he can do is nod his head in response as he turns his head, calling back to his dad, and then swiftly heads into the warmth of his family home. He finds his mom in the living room where her eyes are glued to the television, and when she turns to look at him, he can tell he is about to hear some very bad news.

He prepares himself the best that he can when having of clue on what he is about to hear and turns his attention to the television, tuned to the news channel. The first thing he notices are the words sliding across the top of the screen: Breaking News, and he feels his heart skip a beat in his chest when he hears the words coming from the broadcaster’s mouth. He can sense his brother’s presence at his side, a warm hand landing on his shoulder, but all he can focus on is his world crashing down around him.

“…here with the latest on the brutal beating of a young man found early this morning.” Jared tunes in during the middle of the broadcaster’s sentence and tries to wrap his mind around what he is hearing. “Until this time the victim’s identity was unknown but we recently received information from the hospital that the young man found this morning at the B&B Construction site has now been identified as Jensen Ackles.”

Jared’s breath hitches in his throat and for a moment it is like he forgets how to even breathe. If it weren’t for Jeff’s hand on his shoulder, standing almost directly behind him, he would fall backwards at the shock to his system. This all feels like a bad dream, a very vivid nightmare that couldn’t possibly be real. Jared knows it couldn’t get any more real though, and the urge to scream is strong and overwhelming.

“At this time all we know is that he is still in critical condition but we will keep you up to update on this terrible story the moment we receive more information.” The woman speaks to the camera in front of her, the hospital in view directly behind her. “Back to you in the studio.”

All is silent in the room once his mom turns off the television, looking at him with worried eyes like he will completely fall apart in front of her. He feels like he may just do that, if it weren’t for his brother anchoring him. He couldn’t speak right now even if his life depended on it; he is in a state of shock and it is hard for him to even focus on the people around him. All he can think about is the fact that Jensen is hurt, is in the hospital, in critical condition.

Blinding anger eventually breaks through the numbing shock and he feels his body shake with it. Someone hurt Jensen, someone laid their hands on his Jensen and he wasn’t there to stop it. The anger recedes a little when he thinks about this and it makes way for guilt. I shouldn’t have left him, he tells himself as tears prick his eyes. I was supposed to protect him, I should’ve protected him!

He is pulled from his thoughts of despair and remorse when his mom cups his face and looks into his wet eyes with her soft hazel ones. “You should go to the hospital, J.T,” she tells him softly. “That’s where you want to be, and it’s where you’re needed. Your dad will drive you and the rest of us will meet you there, okay?”

All Jared can manage is a nod of his head, feeling as though he has lost his ability to speak, and he allows his dad to steer him out of the house. His whole body is rigid and he feels detached from reality as he climbs into the cab of his dad’s truck. He doesn’t speak, doesn’t even move, as his dad starts the engine and backs out of the driveway. He catches his dad sending worried glances in his direction and he hears the sincerity in his dad’s words when he tells him everything will be okay, but still he can’t bring himself to breathe a word. All he can think about is Jensen, hoping and praying he will be alright.

I don't want to miss
Even just a second more of this

Slow down, slow down
Before you turn around and it's too late


:0Ж0:


The nurse at the front desk says she can’t give them any information but she does call the doctor tending to Jensen and tells them to wait in the waiting room. Jared doesn’t have the patience to wait in the waiting room though, can hardly think straight as he stands a few feet away from the front desk and adamantly refuses to move. The last thing he can handle is sitting in a cold waiting room, on those unforgiving hard chairs, while he waits anxiously for the doctor to come speak to them.

All he wants is to see Jensen and he refuses to be denied, he has to lay his eyes on his boyfriend before he can hope to calm down. After a few times of trying to get Jared to sit down in the waiting room his dad gives up with a sigh and leans against the wall next to him, in direct sight of the hallway in which Jared is sure the doctor will come from. He can’t explain it but he needs to see the moment the doctor heads their way, has to keep his eyes on that hallway, and he can’t do that from the waiting room.

As he stands there, stock still, eyes hard, he wonders how bad Jensen’s condition really is. The news said he was in critical condition but he could have improved between then and now. Jared is seriously hoping he has; the thought of Jensen lying somewhere in this hospital, hurt, just tears at Jared’s heart because he can’t help thinking that he could have prevented this. If only he hadn’t left Jensen there on his own, had taken Jensen home, the person that did this never would have had the chance to hurt him.

Jared stands a little straighter, if that is even possible, when a doctor rounds the corner and heads down the hall, white coat flapping behind him. He stops to converse with the nurse a moment before she points in their direction and then Jared moves away from the wall to meet the doctor half way. The middle aged doctor gets right down to business, asking Jared if he is immediate family. Jared briefly considers lying, but he knows he wouldn’t get away with it when his dad is standing right behind him.

“I’m his best friend, he came here with me from California to visit my family for New Years,” Jared admits in a rush of words, looking at the doctor with wide, pleading eyes. “Please, tell me, is he alright? Can I see him?”

The doctor looks sympathetic, if not a bit suspicious, as he shakes his head. “I’m sorry I can’t give you any information or let you see him unless you’re family, hospital policy.”

Jared can tell the doctor is genuinely sorry to be telling him this but he just cannot accept it, he needs to see Jensen and he needs to see him now. “Please, doctor, I need to see him, need to know he’s alright. He doesn’t have any family here, I’m the only one he knows… I’m the only one.” He trails off on a whisper, knowing he is fighting a losing battle when the doctor’s face hardens.

“I’m sorry sir, but unless you’re family, I cannot permit you to see him,” he tells Jared, firm and unyielding. “Considering the condition in which your friend was brought in, I have no way of knowing if you are who you say you are and my patient’s safety is top priority. I’m sorry, I truly am, you seem sincere enough, but I cannot allow you to see him.”

Jared’s shoulders slump but the desperation coursing through his body is unrelenting and he is ready to get down on his knees and beg if that is what he has to do. He can’t be this close to Jensen and not be able to see him, that is just cruel and unusual punishment at its finest. Not to mention Jared hates the thought of Jensen somewhere in this building, alone without anyone he knows at his bedside, making sure he is alright.

His heart rate picks up when the doctor apologizes one last time and turns to leave them behind. Every fiber of his being is telling him to reach out, stop the doctor from leaving, and force him to let Jared see Jensen. Before he can do anything that might get him kicked out of the hospital an unfamiliar voice yells for the doctor, stopping him in place. Jared turns to find a woman with blonde hair rushing to the doctor’s side, and a man Jared assumes to be her husband not too far behind.

The woman has tears in her green eyes that Jared finds to be so very familiar and his eyes track every move she makes as she grabs at the doctor’s arm impulsively. Jared watches her curiously, silently wondering if this is Jensen’s mom, and his thoughts are confirmed when he sees Mackenzie and Josh join them at the doctor’s side a moment later. Jared always wondered how he would react, how he would feel, were he ever to meet Jensen’s parents. Of course, he never expected to meet them under such horrible circumstances but then again he never expected to meet them at all.

Instead of sympathizing with the tears in their eyes and the pain on their faces Jared feels a surge of anger and resentment fill his soul as he watches them plead with the doctor to let them see their son. He knows it is a terrible thing to think but he can’t help resenting them, thinking to himself, You tossed him out into the cold when he needed you and now you’re trying to act like the supportive and caring parents? Well, sorry to break it to you, but it’s too little too late!

He knows he should feel bad for thinking such a horrible thing, he knows Jensen secretly wants to make amends with his parents, he does love them after all, but Jared just can’t help resenting them for how they have treated Jensen. What gives them the right to come in here and play their family card and be able to see Jen when I’m not allowed to? It’s not like they care, and even if they do, I’m the one that’s been there for him, the one who accepted him for who he is when they were the ones that turned their backs on him, he thinks sullenly to himself.

You were too cowardly to admit you loved him to your family, couldn’t even tell them he was gay… are you really any better than them? A voice speaks up in the back of his mind and he slinks back at the harsh truth of those words, avoiding everyone’s eyes in shame. Not even the comforting warmth of his dad’s hand on his shoulder can make him feel any better because right now he feels like the worst human being on the face of the earth, undeserving of someone like Jensen, and he can’t help feeling like this is all his fault.

Jensen’s family begins walking down the hall when the doctor says he will lead them to his room and give them the details of his condition and Jared starts to follow but the doctor stops him with a hand against his chest.

“I’m sorry, I’ve told you already, only family.”

An argument is on the tip of Jared’s tongue because damn it, they can’t keep him away from Jensen, but Josh steps forward and looks the doctor straight in the eyes. “I’m family and I say he’s allowed to see Jensen,” he says firmly, leaving no room for argument.

The doctor simply nods his head and tells them to follow him. Jared’s dad tells him to go ahead, that he will wait down in the waiting room for his mom to arrive, and Jared manages a curt nod of his head. He doesn’t hesitate to step in line, walking beside Mackenzie, who is rather quiet and solemn. Jared wishes he could offer her some comfort but he isn’t exactly in the right frame of mind himself to offer anyone such a thing.

They ride the elevator up to the third floor in silence, each lost in similar thoughts of worry and fear. Once the doors slide open they follow the doctor to a room at the end of the long hall, every step harder than the one previous. Jared is a little afraid of what he will see the moment he steps foot in that room but his stride doesn’t falter.

Jared steps into the dimly lit room with a heavy heart, the blinds drawn to block out the sunlight, and his eyes well up with tears the moment they land on Jensen. His boyfriend is lying beneath pristine white sheets, looking fragile and pale as a ghost, with bruises standing out in stark relief. Jared feels devastated by the sight of him, bringing him pain and causing a deep seated anger.

“Oh God, Jen, look at you,” Jared whispers as tears overflow and slide down his face. He reaches out and takes Jensen’s uninjured limp hand in his own, holding it carefully and caressing with the pad of his thumb, unconcerned by the people in the room, just needing to feel Jensen and know he’s still alive.

He just doesn’t see how anyone could do this, doesn’t understand why anyone would want to hurt Jensen. His boyfriend is one of the nicest people he knows, shy and reserved by nature. Why anyone would want to harm him is beyond Jared. Whoever did this was serious and didn’t hold back, that much is obvious just by looking at Jensen. His face is covered in bruises, discolored and painful looking, and Jared is struck by the fact that he can hardly recognize the man lying in that bed.

Jared is aware of the doctor speaking but he can’t focus long enough to know what he is saying. He knows he should probably be listening, knows the doctor is likely telling everyone the full extent of Jensen’s injuries and how serious they are, but instead he finds himself stepping closer to the bed that holds his whole world. No one tries to stop him thankfully, though he doesn’t believe anyone could stop him now that he’s mere inches away from Jensen, and he doesn’t hesitate to take up residence on the chair at Jensen’s bed side. He is pretty sure he won’t be leaving this chair any time soon and he’ll be damned before he allows anyone to make him leave. He left Jensen once already when he was vulnerable, he refuses to do it again.

“We performed surgery the moment he was admitted and were able to stop the internal bleeding,” The doctor’s voice floats in and out of Jared’s hearing, and he has a tough time focusing on the doctor’s words and giving Jensen his full attention at the same time.

“His right leg is broken in two places and there are fractures in his left wrist as well as his forearm, the damage is minimal though and should heal nicely. He has suffered a couple of broken and cracked ribs but we’re hopeful they will heal properly. He was lucky they didn’t puncture his lungs,” the doctor tells them all in the gentlest tone he can manage. “As you can see he has sustained some contusions to his face, chest and torso but those should all heal in time and will leave minimal to no scaring. At some point he was hit in the temple more than once, and that is what worries us a little. We cannot determine what kind of damage this has caused.”

“Please, give it to us straight, will our boy be alright?” his mom asks as she glances in Jensen’s direction, tearing up at the sight of him.

“I don’t want to alarm you but Jensen slipped into a coma shortly after being admitted, but that is rather common in these cases and I’m positive it will only be temporary. We will all just have to wait it out and hope he wakes up soon,” the doctor speaks regretfully and Jared can tell this is the part of his job he hates. “We’ll be monitoring him closely. Don’t worry Mrs. Ackles, your son is in good hands.”

Despite the devastated expression on her face Jensen’s mom manages to nod her head and none of them speak as the doctor makes a silent exit. Jared turns away from the room’s occupants and focuses solely on Jensen, fighting to see him through the tears blurring his vision. He ignores everyone else in the room, at some point forgetting they are even there, and he refuses to let Jensen’s hand go for even a moment.

Come on Jen, you have to wake up, I need to tell you how sorry I am, he thinks to himself while his eyes take inventory of every bruise and cut on Jensen’s face, his lower lip beginning to tremble. You need to know that I love you, that you‘re the best thing that‘s ever happened to me. Please… just open your eyes…

It happens in a blink, it happens in a flash
It happens in the time it took to look back
I try to hold on tight, but there's no stopping time
What is it I've done with my life?
It happens in a blink



Next

Lyrics:
Blink - by Revive
 
 
Mood: excitedexcited
Music: State of Shock
 
 
 
deanvica23deanvica23 on February 24th, 2014 07:22 am (UTC)
Hey sweetie on A03 its write 34 chapters. So the 21 isnt the last? Thanks
FadedSparksfadedsparks on February 24th, 2014 07:41 am (UTC)
No chapter 21 isn't the last, I'm just still in the process of formatting the story so posting is coming along a bit slowly. :)