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10 March 2014 @ 04:08 am
Hands of Fate: Chapter Twenty-Five  
Title: Caught in the Hands of Fate
Author: fadedsparks
Beta: lunadragonx
Art: trueshellz
Fandom: RPS
Pairing: Jensen/Jared
Rated: R, with NC-17 in later chapters
Genre: AU, Angst, Romance
Disclaimer: This isn't meant to offend anyone and I am making no profit from it.
Warnings: Violence and Homophobia. Also, Jensen and Jared are the same age in this story.
Summary: Jensen has had his share of ups and downs, but he pushes forward and tries not to take life for granted. Starting college in California seems like the right choice for him, and everything is going better than he imagined it would. However, fate can be a tricky thing sometimes.



-~*~-
Chapter Twenty-Five:
Always Meant to Say Goodbye
-~*~-



Over the next few days Jensen steadily heals, grows more aware and can stay awake for longer periods of time compared to when he first woke up. His mood however, declines. He is grateful that so many people care and want to be here with him but no matter how hard he tries he can’t be happy about anything. A numbness has taken up residence and he just sort of feels detached.

For the most part he sits in silence, even though everyone tries to draw him into conversation, he doesn’t put much effort into it. He just wants to be left alone, is starting to feel smothered and trapped. He knows everyone means well, but he hasn’t been given a moment’s peace since he woke up and it’s starting to wear on him.

Even Jared’s constant presence is becoming more of a frustration than a comfort like it used to be. He loves Jared, more than anything, but he kind of wishes his boyfriend would go home once in a while.

Jensen is aware of how bad this sounds, and he’s been able to refrain himself from taking out his frustration on anyone, but he feels like a ticking time bomb ready to blow. Deep down he knows he’s close to falling into depression, this is one of the main factors of him wanting to be left alone, but a good portion is his need for a little space… or at least that’s what he hopes it is.

He can’t really be too sure what is going on with him these days. He’s feeling less and less like himself and to be honest it’s scaring him a little. All of these people are here for him, showing him that they care, but he can’t bring himself to be as grateful as he should be, like he would have been before all of this happened. Mostly he just wants everyone to go away, to leave him alone, and that isn’t normal for him.

He realizes that means there’s something wrong with him, especially when he doesn’t even want Mackenzie around. He knows he probably needs help, but talking to a therapist isn’t something he wants to do. He’ll deal with this on his own, all he needs is time.

“You’ve been rather quiet lately,” Mackenzie says as she approaches his bedside, a concerned expression on her face as she reaches out and rests her hand on Jensen’s shoulder.

“Just haven’t felt much like talkin’,” Jensen responds with a shrug, going for nonchalant but knowing he hasn’t fooled her. Of everybody in his life his sister knows him the best, he’s never been able to hide anything from her and he knows she’s reading him like a book right now.

“You can talk to me ya know, you don’t have to hold it all in,” she tells him softly, trying to convey her sincerity through her eyes without inadvertently pressuring him or anything. Jensen usually has a pretty good head on his shoulders and can stay calm but he doesn’t do that well under pressure.

“I appreciate that Mack, I really do, but… I just… this isn’t something I want to talk about.” He sighs heavily and looks up at his sister hopefully, pleading for her to understand.

Mackenzie sucks in a sharp breath and her face pinches up, hurt for him written in her eyes, but she nods her head. “I just want you to be okay,” she whispers, taking his hand in hers, cupping it with both palms. “I hate seeing you like this, I just want to help you but I don’t know how.”

This isn’t really something she can help him with, no one can, he has to do this on his own, but he doesn’t tell her this. Instead he just squeezes her hand gently and tries to smile despite the pain it causes. “Just having you here helps,” he responds, the words tasting like ash in his mouth.

He didn’t technically just lie to her, knowing she’s here does help, but with the strange way he’s been feeling lately everyone’s presence seems to be more a curse than a blessing. He can’t tell her this though, he doesn’t want to hurt her. He’s just in a weird funk right now, he’s sure he’ll feel grateful for having everyone here later on, he’ll be appreciative for the support… this mood he’s in can’t last forever.

“Hey you,” Jared says as he enters the room, a grin playing on his lips but concern hiding in his eyes.

Mackenzie eyes them both for a moment before clearing her throat and making a move toward the door. “I’ll just give you guys some time alone. I won’t be far,” she directs to Jensen before disappearing out into the hall.

“How you feeling?” Jared asks after a few long minutes of silence, hands stuffed into the pockets of his jeans, strands of hair falling into his eyes as he looks at Jensen from beneath his lashes.

Jensen barely refrains from rolling his eyes. He’s been asked this very question more times than he can count, from everyone, and he’s getting sick and tired of it. He never really knows how to answer it, cause he isn’t doing so great, but no one wants to hear that. They don’t want the truth, so he lies and says he’s doing okay. He knows none of them buy it but they take this answer with soft, understanding smiles and pat him on the arm like that’s supposed to soothe him.

“I’ll be doing a lot better once the doctor tells me I can leave,” he responds with a sigh, turning his head away to gaze out the window. He’s too far away to really get a good view but it’s better than staring at that look on Jared’s face.

While being confined to his bed Jensen’s had nothing to do but think, and he’s been doing a hell of a lot of that lately. He’s mostly been thinking about Jared and their relationship, where it stands. No matter how many times Jared denies it, Jensen can’t help believing his boyfriend deserves better.

Jared hasn’t been pushing Jensen for things he can’t give him but he has been talking about the future and everything they will be able to do. Jensen knows why he’s doing this. He thinks if he keeps bringing up all the things Jensen wanted before he’ll remember that longing and will want all of that again. Like somehow Jensen will overcome this fear and be the person he was before. It isn’t that easy though, and Jensen tells Jared that over and over and each time he does he sees some of that light die in Jared’s eyes and it just about kills him.

Jensen has been changed for good, and while he may still want to walk down the street holding Jared’s hand, he just doesn’t believe he can do it. If Jared stays with him their relationship will always have to be locked behind closed doors, like some dirty secret, and he knows how unfair that is. He hadn’t wanted that before and he can’t bear to make Jared live like that. Jensen may be a selfish coward now but he’s not a hypocrite and he realizes that the best thing he could probably do for Jared is let him go, find happiness, something Jensen can’t give him.

I shouldn’t be so selfish, he tells himself even as tears blind his vision. He loves Jared so much, can’t even contemplate a life without the other man, but he knows he’s being selfish. I should do right by him and just let him go, give him the chance to move on, have all those things he realized he wants.

“Hey, hey, what’s with the tears?” Jared asks, a calm and soothing note to his voice as he rushes to Jensen’s side. “Come on Jen, talk to me. Tell me what’s wrong.”

Jensen breathes deeply, trying to get a hold on himself, and shakes his head. “It’s noth…”

“Don’t tell me it’s nothing,” Jared interrupts him, somehow having the ability to sound firm and soothing at the same time. “Whatever it is you can tell me, I’m here for you Jen, you don’t have to hide anything from me.”

Jensen knows he should just end things right here right now, get it over with, like pulling off a band-aid, but he just can’t bring himself to form the words. He can’t force himself to break up with Jared even though he knows it’s the right thing to do. He and Jared have been through so much together and he can’t bear to see all of that end here. He’s also man enough - or selfish enough, depending how you like at it - to admit that he needs Jared, needs him during this. Jared’s constant hovering is getting on his last nerve but he knows not having Jared here with him would be worse.

“I don’t really want to talk about it Jared, if you don’t mind.”

Jared just stares at him for a moment, a mix of emotions on his face before shaking his head in frustration and turning his back to Jensen. Closing his eyes, Jensen leans back against his pillows, cursing himself for hurting Jared yet again. He knows Jared wants him to open up to him, to tell him what’s been going on with him these last few days, but that would mean confessing to things he knows Jared likely won’t want to hear and then the inevitable break up because Jensen still wholeheartedly believes it’s what he should do… he just hasn’t had the courage to do it yet.

“I wish you would just talk to me,” Jared speaks softly. “I… I just don’t…”

Jensen closes his eyes tighter but at the feel of a hand on his chin they snap open and he’s suddenly staring into pleading hazel eyes. Before he can suppress it he makes a broken noise, wanting to push Jared’s hand away but unable to get his body to cooperate, unable to look away from those eyes he loves so much.

“What’s happening to us Jen?” Jared cups Jensen’s cheek, looking deep into his eyes, searchingly. There’s sadness in them, a sadness Jensen’s the cause of. “I feel like I’m losing you and I don’t know how to stop it. Why are you pulling away from me? What can I do? Jen, please, just tell me what to do and I’ll do it.”

Jensen’s throat decides now is a good time to close up, which is okay because Jensen has no idea what he’d say even if he could speak right now. Tears are brimming Jared’s eyes, his hand actually shaking against Jensen’s face, but it’s the heartbreak he sees on his boyfriend’s face that have tears sliding down Jensen’s cheeks.

He wants to say he’s sorry, sorry for hurting Jared, sorry for what he’s going to do once he can find the courage, sorry for everything, but he just can’t seem to get his voice to work. Instead he just sits there, tears sliding down his face, sad eyes locked with Jared’s equally emotional ones.

Jared surges forward, pushing his lips to Jensen’s, kissing him with desperation. “Love you Jen,” he whispers against his lips, kissing him with the same desperation even as he pleads verbally. “Don’t tell me I’m losing you, please, don’t tell me that.”

Jensen doesn’t say a word.

:0Ж0:


It is a full two weeks later before the doctor finally comes in to inform Jensen that he will be released from the hospital the following day. Everyone is there to hear the news and express their happiness, smiles on their faces as they look between Jensen and the doctor, thanking him for taking such good care of Jensen.

Jensen is happy too of course, another minute spent in this hospital and he may have gone crazy. It’s just the prospect of what he’s going to do from here that has him quiet while everyone else talk rapidly with one another. Where does he go from here? What will he do? He doesn’t really know what he wants anymore, whether he should carry on the way he was before, get back to his life and go back to college, or… well that remains a mystery. He doesn’t know what to do if he doesn’t go back to college, to California… and if he doesn’t go back to California then where does he go?

So many questions and not enough answers.

He looks up when he feels a nudge to his shoulder, finding Chris staring down at him with curiosity in his eyes. “This is good news son, aren’t you happy?”

Jensen tries to smile convincingly, keeping it on his lips even as Chris narrows his eyes, clearly not fooled. “Of course I am,” he says, putting as much emotion into his voice as possible, just hoping it doesn’t sound as fake as it does to his own ears. “I can’t wait to get the hell out of here.”

Chris stares at him with crystal blue eyes that have always seemed to be able to read Jensen so well and Jensen just feels like hiding, doesn’t want to give anything away. “You know, Jared’s been talking to me a lot lately. Surprising, I know, since he usually goes to Steve when he needs to talk. But point is he’s been talking to me, has told me a few things… you’re not getting some weird thoughts in your head, are you?” he asks quietly so as to not be overheard by anyone else in the room but his words still ring in Jensen’s ears, his face flushing in shame like he’s been caught doing something he shouldn’t be. “You’re not going to do something stupid you’ll end up regretting, right Jen?”

Jensen doesn’t want to answer this but he knows the longer he stays quiet the more he gives away. He’s pretty much stuck, which is why when his mom, of all people, interrupts he has never been more relieved. Strange to think that he’d be grateful to his mom considering how awkward their relationship still is, but right now he’d rather talk to even her than Chris at the moment. The conversation is far from forgotten he knows, Chris won’t let it go that easily, but at least he’s been saved for now.

“Honey, I wanted to talk to you about where you’re going when you get out of here. I’ve been talking to your dad, and we both agree…”

“What do you mean where he’s going to go?” Jared interrupts, gaining the attention of everyone in the room and appearing not to care. His eyes are narrowed into slits, his stance firm, staring down Jensen’s mother. “There’s a room waiting for him at my parents house.”

“I appreciate that you’d take in my boy like that but I believe he needs his family right now,” his mom says pleasantly enough but there’s no denying the challenging look in her eyes as she looks at Jared. “The best place for him to be while he recovers is home, in Richardson, with us.”

Jared takes a step forward, not backing down. “The best place for him is with me.” He says this like that’s the end of the discussion, like she has no say, and from the tightening of her jaw Jensen can tell his mom is far from pleased with Jared standing up to her.

Inwardly Jensen is praising Jared, is awed with the way Jared has stepped up and fought for him, but at the same time, with all the thoughts that have been going through his mind, he’s not sure staying here with Jared is a good idea.

Sherri watches the standoff between her son and Jensen‘s mom for a few moments, a worried look on her face, before she moves to intervene. “In light of everything don’t you think now is not a good time for Jensen to be traveling? He shouldn’t be stuck in a car for hours on end and a plane is no better option.”

“Don’t you guys think that instead of arguing you should let Jen decide where he wants to go,” Mackenzie steps in, glaring at everyone. “It should be his decision.”

In that moment everyone in the room turns to Jensen like they expect him to give an answer right this minute, all it does is make him feel backed into a corner. “Can we not do this right now? I really don’t want to do this right now. So please, just let it go.”

Jared’s shoulders slump, hurt shining in his eyes, and Jensen forces himself to turn away, doing his best to ignore Chris’ disapproving and disappointed stare. “I’m really tired, I just want to rest a little bit.”

No one pressures him but Jared’s hurt eyes are like a dagger stabbing away at Jensen, silent pleas of ‘why’ and ‘why’re you doing this’. It’s enough to make Jensen wish he’d never come out of his coma because then he wouldn’t have to deal with the nightmares, the memories and the fear, but most of all, knowing he’s hurting the one person he cares about most in this world.

:0Ж0:


When the next day rolls around Jensen breathes a sigh of relief. The coming weeks aren’t going to be pleasant by any means, he’s got a broken leg and forearm, meaning he’ll be confined to a wheelchair. He’s not looking forward to it because he’s not good with depending on others to help him, and he knows he will need constant help, but at least he’s finally being released from the hospital.

Jared enters the room with a bounce to his step, looking happier than he has in days and the sight alone is enough to bring a rare smile to Jensen’s lips, even if it’s just a small one. It is good seeing Jared in a good mood, he hasn’t been lately, and Jensen knows he’s to blame.

He did give a little, letting Jared tell his family about them, because that doesn't hurt anything. But everything outside of closed doors, the public aspect of it, Jensen's not ready for and doesn't think he will ever be. Jensen’s constant reluctance and firm decision not to make their relationship public has been taking its toll on Jared. He hasn’t outwardly said anything and he does his best to hide his disappointment but Jensen sees right through him.

He really hates seeing what this is doing to Jared, what he is doing to Jared. The irony of the situation isn’t lost on Jensen; he realizes that their roles have been reversed, with Jared wanting to be out and proud while Jensen is too scared. Life can sure be a bitch when it wants to be.

“I brought you some clothes do leave in,” Jared says, placing a bag on the table by the window.

“Thanks,” Jensen speaks softly, looking up at Jared through his lashes. “My others got ruined huh?”

Jared clears his throat uncomfortably, neither of them like thinking about the beating much less talking about it. “Yeah, the cops took them as evidence,” Jared says quietly. “But they’ve… they have a lot of…”

Jared doesn’t have to finish that sentence; Jensen knows his own blood is what ruined his clothing.

Jared clears his throat once more, shifting from one foot to the other. “You uh, want me to help you get changed?” he asks cautiously, as though afraid Jensen will be upset with him for asking.

Truth be told Jensen hasn’t seen his body but he’s sure he isn’t looking very attractive and the last thing he wants is for Jared to see him. He knows Jared would never judge him but Jensen is feeling pretty self-conscious about his body right now and he’d rather have a nurse help him than anyone he knows and cares about.

“Thanks for the offer but, I think I’m gonna wait and have the nurse help me when she gets back,” Jensen speaks softly, carefully, hoping Jared doesn’t take offense.

Thankfully Jared seems to understand, he’s obviously not too happy about it, but he still smiles understandingly and nods his head. “You know, you get to leave once you get dressed, and you still haven’t said where you want to go when you get out of here,” Jared brings the subject up, picking at an imaginary piece of lint on his shirt just to avoid looking into Jensen’s eyes. “You uh, have you made a decision yet? I mean, you’re coming back with me, right? To my parents’ place.”

Jensen had known this question was coming, had been dreading it, because yeah he did come to a decision, and he knows Jared won’t be pleased with it. “Yeah, I uh,” Jensen clears his throat awkwardly, keeping his eyes focused on a patch of wall in front of him, feeling Jared’s eyes on him but trying to ignore it. “I’m going home with my parents.”

The silence that follows his words is deafening and oppressive, and Jensen doesn’t have to be looking at Jared to know the shaggy haired man is slack jawed in shock. He’d been putting this conversation off for too long, because he knew it’d be tough, but the thought of it doesn’t even come close to the reality of it. Part of him can’t believe he’s saying this, can’t believe what he’s about to say, but he trudges on regardless.

Jared’s better off, he tells himself repeatedly, needing to believe it.

“I think it’s for the best Jay,” he whispers, feeling like he can’t breathe right.

Jared forces himself into Jensen’s line of sight, making him face the situation, be present for what he’s saying, make him see just what it’s doing to Jared. “You’re breaking up with me, aren’t you?” Jared asks with a defeated slump to his shoulders but he doesn’t sound surprised, he sounds like he’d been expecting this.

“I know you’re probably angry at me but you’re better off with someone else Jay, I’m no good for you. I’m no good for anyone right now and you deserve better than me, better than what I can give you, which let’s face it, isn’t much.” Jensen says, his words sounding rehearsed and like he’s trying to convince himself just as much as Jared. “I can’t do this to you Jared, I won’t. I don’t want you waiting around for me, especially when I can’t make you any promises.”

Jared’s eyes narrow slightly, a little anger showing through. “So you’re doing this for me? Do I have that right?” he asks, an edge to his voice, shaking his head in disbelief.

“It probably doesn’t seem that way to you right now but eventually you’ll thank me for this, I’m sure of it. You don’t see it now but you’ll eventually realize that you want more than I’m willing to give you. You don’t want to wait around for me Jared, it’d be selfish of me to ask you and I refuse to do that to you.”

Jared scoffs, features twisted, but he no longer looks angry. He’s upset obviously but he looks kind of sad, looking at Jensen like he’d expected this but is sad to see he’d been right. “Nothing I say is going to change your mind, is it?” He bites his lip and closes his eyes when Jensen shakes his head.

“You can deny it all you want Jen but you’re not doing this for me. I don’t want you to do this but you’re doing it anyway. No, you’re doing this because you’re scared and you’re running. You’re doing the exact same thing I did. And I know I don’t have any right to ask this, seeing as all the mistakes I’ve made with you, but I’m pleading here… don’t do this. Don’t push me away.”

“I don’t want to hurt you Jared, I really don’t, but I… believe this is for the best,” Jensen has to take a moment just to breathe, unable to meet Jared’s eyes any longer, afraid of what his own may reveal.

“The fact that you just paused tells me you don’t believe that, not completely.” Jared moves closer, sitting awkwardly on the bed, reaching his hand out to cup Jensen’s cheek. “I know how stubborn you can be, especially when you’ve made up your mind, but I’m begging here, don’t do this. Please Jen, I love you, and I need you… don’t leave me.”

A couple of tears slide down Jared’s face and Jensen wants nothing more than to wipe them away, ease Jared’s pain, but he doesn’t. He knows he doesn’t have that right anymore, especially since he’s the reason for Jared’s pain in the first place.

“I know it’s not fair Jared, and I love you, I do, but… I need time…” This isn’t truly what Jensen wanted to say, he’d wanted to end things between them not say ‘I need time’. It’d be best to just break up now, not drag this out, hurting them both more than he already is, but even now it would seem he can’t form the right words.

“Come on Jen, don’t do this, I won’t let you do this!” Tears now stream down Jared’s face unbidden, wiping unsuccessfully at them even as his other hand grips onto Jensen, like he can keep him there so long as he holds tight enough. It’s a little painful but Jensen doesn’t protest, just forces himself to look into Jared’s watery eyes, face what he’s done, heart clenching at the raw emotion he finds on Jared’s face.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers softly, lip trembling with suppressed tears, turning his head quickly when the door opens suddenly, not wanting their visitor to see him. Jared isn’t as ashamed as he turns to whoever is standing in the doorway.

“I just came to help Jensen get dressed.” Donna speaks quietly, a cautious tone to her voice, sounding on the verge of turning and leaving the way she came. “I can give you two a few more moments if you’d like.”

“What’s the hold up?” Josh asks as he appears behind Donna, and before either Jensen or Jared know it the room is full with both Jensen’s family and Jared’s. Jensen wipes quickly at his face, doing his best to get rid of the tears that had escaped his eyes.

“Why don’t we give these two a few moments alone,” Donna says as she grabs Mackenzie’s arm and begins to drag her from the room, motioning for the others to follow.

“Thank you,” Jared says gratefully just as Jensen says, “Wait.”

Everyone turns to Jensen uncertainly, looking between him and Jared, silently asking what they should do. “Jared and I were done anyway, I uh… I’d like to get dressed now.”

“Jen?” The hurt in Jared’s voice is overwhelming, tangible, and Jensen gives him a shaky, apologetic smile.

“There’s nothing left to say Jay,” he whispers, voice rough with the emotion he’s doing his damnedest to suppress, hands shaking. “I’m going home with my parents,” he glances around the room as he says this, seeing the shock on everyone’s faces. “I’ve made my decision and I, uh… I’m not going to change my mind… I… I’m sorry.”

Jared doesn’t try to say anything else, just stares at Jensen in disbelief, hurt and a touch of anger on his face before he pushes off of the bed and strides out of the room, not stopping when Steve tells him to wait up. Jensen’s eyes drop to the blanket covering him, What’d I just do? Tears instantly fill his eyes but he doesn’t let them fall. Vaguely he hears Chris telling him that he’s making a mistake but Jensen doesn’t respond at all.

Mistake or not, what’s done is done, he tells himself as that familiar numbness settles over him and he just stares blankly at nothing in particular, heart feeling heavy in his chest.

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they’re haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

You know that I love you so
I love you enough to let you go

I want you to know
That it doesn’t matter
Where we take this road
Someone’s gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn’t have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I’m already gone



Next

Lyrics:
Already Gone - Kelly Clarkson
 
 
Mood: highhigh
Music: Ozzy Osbourne
 
 
 
maria9631maria9631 on March 11th, 2014 12:30 am (UTC)
Aww my Poor Broken Jensen... *Hugs Sweetie*
What a heartbreaking chapter, my poor Jensen is
so lost and confuse and scared after everything
that has happened.
How will he heal?
he won't let anyone inside to help.
;(

What a wonderful, heartbreaking Chapter.
poor Jensen.
tears...
Can't wait for the next one...
FadedSparksfadedsparks on March 12th, 2014 08:08 am (UTC)
The poor boy is in a very rough place right now.
You know me, my specialty has always been angst. But honestly, I couldn't see everything being resolved right away, it didn't strike me as realistic.
More to come soon though, and I hope you will be pleased with how the story progresses.
LiveJournal: pingback_botlivejournal on March 11th, 2014 02:17 am (UTC)
Edition 2,831
User enablelove referenced to your post from Edition 2,831 saying: [...] by (Sam/OFC, Dean/OFC; R) Fanfic: RPF Caught in the Hands of Fate 25/? [...]
TwoBlueShoes2blueshoes on March 11th, 2014 10:41 am (UTC)
Why oh why does Jensen have to be such a martyr . I feel like cuffing round the head!
Hope he comes out of this before he becomes a sad cliche . Next chapter pretty please?
FadedSparksfadedsparks on March 12th, 2014 08:16 am (UTC)
Well I certainly hope he doesn't come off as a sad cliche when all is said and done, but if nothing else I hope this is coming off as realistic at least.
The next chapter will be up soon.