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25 December 2013 @ 01:48 am
Hands of Fate: Chapter Two  
Title: Caught in the Hands of Fate
Author: fadedsparks
Beta: lunadragonx
Art: trueshellz
Fandom: RPS
Pairing: Jensen/Jared
Rated: R, with NC-17 in later chapters
Genre: AU, Angst, Romance
Disclaimer: This isn't meant to offend anyone and I am making no profit from it.
Warnings: Violence and Homophobia. Also, Jensen and Jared are the same age in this story.
Summary: Jensen has had his share of ups and downs, but he pushes forward and tries not to take life for granted. Starting college in California seems like the right choice for him, and everything is going better than he imagined it would. However, fate can be a tricky thing sometimes.

Author's Note: Wishing everyone who celebrates a Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

Chapter Two:
Let it Be Enough

Jensen waves goodbye to his newfound friends and follows Jared out of the restaurant. They are both silent as they get back in Jared’s vehicle and pull out onto the highway. Classes don’t start up until tomorrow, so they have all day to just mess around and do whatever the hell they feel like. Jared had suggested they go to Target, because there is a movie he wants to pick up, and Jensen had agreed right away - partly because he is pathetic and wants to spend as much time with Jared alone as he can, and partly because he doesn’t feel like going back to the dorm just yet.

Jared reaches out and turns on the stereo and it immediately starts playing the CD he had in. Jensen recognizes the song as one done by Collective Soul, which happens to be one of his favorite bands. He can’t stop himself from smiling widely, and, when Jared sees the smile on his face, he laughs lightly.

Jensen ignores his reaction and just begins singing along with the song. “So I walk upon high… and I step to the edge… to see my world below… and I laugh at myself… while the tears roll down… ‘cause it‘s the world I know… it‘s the world I know…”

After a moment, of both watching in amusement and trying to pay attention to the road, Jared decides to join Jensen, and soon they are both singing rather loudly. Jensen feels utterly comfortable right now, sitting beside Jared and singing along to one of his favorite songs. He can’t quite fathom how he can feel so at ease with Jared, as he barely knows the guy, but he isn’t going to question it.

They reach Target just as the song ends, and Jared parks in the first available parking space that he finds. Walking side by side, they enter the store and head straight to the movie section. As Jared scans through the many different titles, Jensen wanders a little, browsing through the comedy section.

He has at least two hundred dollars on him that he had saved up before heading out to California, and he could buy something if he really felt like it, but he is just happy being here with Jared and looking around. Seeing that the other man is still searching for his movie, Jensen wanders over to the journals and notebooks and starts looking through them.

I really should get a new one; my old one is almost filled up. Besides, this is a new chapter in my life, I should start fresh in every possible way, Jensen silently reasons with himself, contemplating whether he wants to spend the money or not. He honestly hates spending his money on himself, feeling bad whenever he indulges himself. He enjoys spending his money on other people though, it’s one of his favorite things in fact. He knows that keeping a journal is pretty girly, but he doesn’t care.

He is still fighting an inner war with himself when Jared walks up with a DVD in his hand. Jensen looks at him, waiting for him to reveal the mystery DVD, and he raises one eyebrow in disbelief and amusement when Jared holds up The Goonies. Jared frowns and glances down at the movie before scowling at Jensen.

“Shut up, Shorty, this is a good movie!” Jared defends his movie choice.

“Hey, I’m not much shorter than you,” Jensen retaliates in good humor.

“Still shorter than me,” Jared replies with a triumphant grin and Jensen growls and rolls his eyes for good measure. Jared is looking back down at his movie though, with childish glee. “We are so watching this tonight!”

“God, next you’re gonna have me watching Bambi or something,” Jensen says with an exaggerated groan, but a smile is lighting up his face.

“Don’t diss Disney man, those are some good movies.” Jared laughs happily. “So, you gonna get something?”

“Uh, no, let’s just go,” Jensen says as he starts to pass by Jared, but Jared reaches out and stops him by grabbing his arm.

“You thinking ‘bout buyin’ a journal, Jen?” Jared asks with a smirk on his face. “You wanna write down all your thoughts and inner feelings?”

Jensen’s face burns as he looks away, and he tells Jared to shut up, shifting from one foot to the other. He hears his companion laugh heartily, and crawls further into himself. Now would be the time I dig a hole and die, Jensen silently thinks as his embarrassment grows. He moves to pass by Jared, but once again, his friend stops him in his place.

“I’m serious, Jen, you want a journal?” Jared asks curiously before moving over to look through them. “It’s okay to keep a journal, lots of guys keep one.”

“Do you keep one?” Jensen asks as he moves to stand beside his friend, looking through the journals too.

“No, but I know guys that do. And if I did keep one, I wouldn’t be ashamed of it. It’s not a big deal,” Jared says with a smile. “Besides, you can get away with it. You are gay after all.”

Jensen knows a jab when he hears one, and he is beginning to learn that Jared enjoys teasing him, so he doesn’t take offense to it. Reaching out, he snags one of the leather bound journals and simply walks away. Jensen can hear Jared following along behind him and can actually feel the smile on his back.

Jared and Jensen pay for their purchases and then exit the store. They climb back into the Montero and pull out of the parking lot. Jensen gets comfortable in his seat as Jared turns to him and asks if he would like to get some Starbucks before they head back to the dorm. Jensen simply nods his head and stays quiet.

He sits back in his seat and silently contemplates whether he should ask Jared about Alexis or not. He is curious to know if they are dating, or if Jared just has a crush on her. Either way, he can clearly see that there is an attraction there. At least, there is on Jared’s part. He isn’t too sure about Alexis; she didn’t give any signs that they are dating, or that she even finds him attractive.

Glancing over, he discreetly watches as he lip synchs along with the song blaring through the speakers. Jared doesn’t notice his watchful eye, and if he does, he doesn’t call him out on it. He can’t help but notice how attractive Jared is, with his shaggy brown hair and puppy dog eyes. It bothers him to think that Jared is straight, because he would give anything to have those eyes looking at him the way they were looking at Alexis.

Jared suddenly turns to him and asks, “What do you want?”

Jensen’s eyebrows shoot up, and he gapes at Jared in embarrassment, thinking he has pissed him off. “What?” he asks stupidly.

Jared motions outside his window, and Jensen realizes in relief that they are in the drive thru line for Starbucks. “Uh, a café mocha is fine, thanks.”

Jared nods his head and orders the mocha and a strawberries and cream frappuccino for himself. Once he is done giving the Starbucks worker their order, he turns back to Jensen and looks at him quizzically. Jensen just shrugs meekly and lowers his head, feeling a blush creeping up his neck. He is glad that he didn’t get on Jared’s nerves with all the staring, though; he would have just died of embarrassment.

Maybe I should ask him about Alexis now, while we’re just sitting here in line waiting for our drinks, Jensen thinks to himself, chewing on his bottom lip thoughtfully. He doesn’t understand why he is so nervous about asking Jared. Sure, he is a little afraid of confirming his thoughts, but he is already pretty positive that Jared, at the very least, has a crush on her, so what could it hurt to know for sure. Besides, the unanswered question is just going to drive him crazy. It already is, in a way.

“Hey, Jared, I was kinda curious,” Jensen begins, and Jared turns to look at him, “is anything going on between you and that Alexis chick?”

“Why do you ask?” Jared inquires softly.

“I just noticed the way you were looking at her,” Jensen answers with a shrug. “I was just wondering if you were a couple, or if you like her or something.”

“I wish we were a couple, but no, we’re not,” Jared says with a deep sigh, looking disappointed. “I’ve known her since high school, and have liked her for a while now, but she has no idea. I’ve tried dropping hints, I flirt with her all the time, but nothing ever works. Either she’s completely oblivious and thinks I’m just being friendly, or she doesn’t like me that way.”

She’d be crazy not to like you, Jensen silently says, but what he says aloud is, “Sorry to hear that, man, I didn’t mean to bring you down. I shouldn’t have brought it up.”

“Don’t even worry about it. It’s cool. Sure, it sucks royally, but I’ve been dealing with it for quite a while now. She’ll either come around one day, or I’ll have to move on and get over her, ya know.”

Jensen nods silently, unsure of what else to do, and moves his gaze to stare out the windshield. Well, I have my answer. I wonder if, once she gets her head out of her ass, she’ll wake up and realize she feels the same about him, he questions in his mind. Part of him hopes that she doesn’t like Jared that way, while the other part feels bad for thinking like that, and just wants to see Jared happy. He is a good guy and deserves to be with someone he can be happy with.

“So, what about you, are you seeing anyone? Got a boyfriend waiting for you back home?” Jared asks with a small smile.

“Nah, no boyfriend here. And it’s just as well, as I don’t plan on going back to Texas once I graduate from California State. I mean, sure, I’d love to be in a relationship, but I’d be happier with finding someone here. Having a boyfriend back home would just complicate things too much,” Jensen rambles, slightly, and Jared smiles and nods his head as though he understands, even though he couldn’t possibly, since he has no idea why a boyfriend back in Texas would complicate things for Jensen.

“Besides, what kind of college experience could you have if you were tied down, right?” Jared says with a teasing smirk that makes Jensen blush.

“That’s true, but I highly doubt I'll have the typical college experience that others are going to have. I’m just not that type of person, I guess.”

Jared nods his head in understanding. “I understand that, man. I mean, look at me. I’m pining over some girl I’ve known for years. I’m not exactly gonna have the typical college experience, either.”

“At least, I won’t be the only one.” Jensen smiles.

Their conversation is put on hold when they pull up to the drive thru window and Jared hands over the money. The guy then hands over their drinks, and Jared gives the mocha to Jensen. Taking a cautious sip at first, he then takes a larger gulp when he realizes it isn’t that hot. He thanks Jared for the drink as they pull back out onto the street, and Jared simply waves a hand dismissively.

Slouching down into a more comfortable position, Jensen rests his arm on the rolled down window and watches the stores that they pass by. He has only known Jared for half a day, and already Jensen can tell he is someone he wants in his life, in any shape or form. He really wants to get to know him better, on a more personal level. He wants to know what he was like growing up, how he liked living in San Antonio, and if he plans on going back once he is through with college. He wants to know his likes and dislikes, his hopes and his dreams, where he wants to take his life, and what courses he is taking here at California State. Hell, he even wouldn’t mind knowing what types of girls he likes.

Then there are the other things that make him feel weird for wanting to know, such as what puts a smile on his face, what brings him happiness, and what makes him sad. He wants Jared to share little pieces of himself that he would only tell a best friend, or someone special. He wants Jared to let him in, let him see that part of himself that he keeps hidden from everyone else. He feels a connection with Jared, and while he can’t explain it, he knows it is there all the same. He can’t help but wonder if Jared can feel it too, or if it is just one-sided.

Should I be feeling this way? It almost seems insane that I would want to know him so badly. I’ve only just met him, and already I’m acting like a love sick teenager. It’s pathetic! Jensen scolds himself silently, slightly disgusted with his behavior. All you want is friendship from him, Jensen, just be happy with being his friend!

Forcing his thoughts away from Jared, he thinks about home and how things are within his family. It is disheartening just how easy it seemed for them to push him away, but he is grateful for still having Mackenzie’s love and support. In a way, with everything that has happened, it has made him closer with his sister. Their bond has strengthened, and he knows she will always be there for him, no matter what he does. He has always known that she was a kind hearted person, but he has grown to respect her more.

That’s what he is going to miss most about home, not being able to see his sister as often as he would like. He is determined to get her to visit him, though, here in California. That might not be too easy right now, considering how things are with his parents, but if he gives it time, maybe the situation won't be as tense as it is right now. They can’t keep him from seeing his sister, and he highly doubts they would try to keep them apart. They might not like his choice of lifestyle, and they might not even like him very much right now, but he knows they aren’t cruel.


September 4th, 1999

Jensen arrives back at his dorm room after his last class of the day, unlocks the door, and throws his things on his bed once he is inside. Jared isn’t back yet, and there is no telling when he will show up, so Jensen takes his cell out of its holder on his belt and dials home. He waits nervously for someone to answer, afraid of hearing one of his parents’ voices on the line. Around the third ring, the phone is finally answered.

“Hello, Ackles’ residence.” His mom’s cheerful voice rings clear in his ear and his breath catches in his throat. After a moment of silence on his end, she speaks again, irritation creeping into her tone, “Hello?”

“Hey… hey, Mom, uh, is Mack around?” Jensen asks softly, worrying his bottom lip.

“Jensen…” her voice goes quiet, awkward. “I take it you arrived safely. How, um… how do you like college so far?”

“It’s… okay. I just had my first classes today, and everything went well. I like the courses, and the teachers are nice. I can learn a lot from them.”

“I’m glad to hear that,” she responds, seemingly unsure of what to say. There is a pause before she begins speaking again. “So, have you met any new friends? Do you get along with your roommate?”

Jensen is already tired of the pleasantries. He knows she really isn’t interested in how he is doing, or if he is making friends, so he isn’t going to force her have this conversation any longer than she has to. He doesn’t want to talk to her if she doesn’t want to talk to him anyway. He isn’t going to make a fool of himself, and he isn’t going to beg for her forgiveness when he doesn’t feel he has anything to be guilty for.

“Everything is going good for me, thanks for asking. Is Mack there?” he asks a little quickly, and instantly feels bad because he is sure she knows he is just trying to get her off the phone.

“Yeah, hold on one minute,” she says, and then there is silence as he waits for his sister.

Jensen lets out a sigh when he is sure his mom isn’t listening to him, and turns his eyes up to stare at the ceiling. It was harder on him hearing his mom’s voice than he thought it would be. As upset as he is at her for what she said to him that night, he still loves her and wishes things didn’t have to be this way. She is the only one who can make things right between them, though. He isn’t at fault, and he knows this. Until she can accept him for who he is, things are just going to stay the way they are.

He can’t help but wonder if his relationship with his family is destroyed though. Right now, he can’t help feeling as though it is damaged beyond repair. When it comes to fixing this problem, he doesn’t have high hopes. That may make him seem pessimistic, but that is how he feels. He may very well have lost his family, and as much as that pains him, he knows he is just going to have to deal with it. He isn’t going to change for anyone, even his family, and he doesn’t feel that he should have to. Parents are supposed to love their kids no matter what they do or who they love. A parent’s love is supposed to be unconditional. At least, that was what he was raised to believe.

Jensen smiles when he hears his sister’s voice over the line, finally relaxing and feeling comfortable again. “Hey sis, what are you up to?”

“Just watching a re-run of the Simpson's, nothing special. What about you?”

“Just got back from my last class of the day. Now, I’m just sitting in my room and thought I’d give you a call real quick,” he responds as he moves further up on the bed, leaning his back against the headboard.

“You remember all that money I’ve been saving up?” she asks suddenly; she is random like that.

“Yeah, you’ve been saving for months. Why?”

“Well, I just bought a cell phone today. This way, I can give you the number, and you can call it to talk to me instead of calling the house and having to talk to either mom or dad each time.”

“You used all your money, the money you were saving up, on a cell, just so it would be easier on me?” Jensen asks, and he is sure that she can tell his eyes are wide in shock just by the tone of his voice. “Mack, you didn’t have to do that! You should’ve just kept saving for whatever it was you wanted to buy.”

“It’s not like its torture on me, Jen. I’ve wanted a cell phone of my own anyway. Besides, you know I’d do anything for you, just like you do everything you can to help other people out, if it’s possible. Let someone do something nice for you for once, instead of the other way around.” The tone of her voice is one of exasperation, but Jensen can also detect a smile.

“Thanks, Mack, I really appreciate it. Now, give me that number,” he says with a smile and writes down the number on the palm of his hand when she reads it off for him.

Right at that moment, the door opens and Jared enters the room. He acknowledges Jensen with a smile and moves to his side of the room. Placing his stuff on his bed, he sits down at his desk and powers up his laptop. Jensen just watches him for a moment before tearing his attention back to his sister.

“So, anything new going on for you?” he asks, honestly interested.

“Nothing worth talking about,” his sister responds with a sigh. “Life is as boring as it always is for me. What about you? How are things going in California?”

“Everything is going good, so far. I like my classes, and the teachers are pretty cool. Though, there is one teacher, Mr. Bradford, he can be an ass. I’ve made a few friends, and I, thankfully, get along with my roommate.” Jensen winks when Jared looks over his shoulder at him. Jared gives him a winning smile before returning his attention to his laptop.

“Oh no, someone’s got a crush!” Mackenzie says teasingly.

“Excuse me?” Jensen asks in shock, eyebrows nearly disappearing into his hair line. “What would make you think that?”

“I know you, Jen, and I can hear it in your voice. You have a crush on your roommate. So, what’s his name? What’s he look like? Do you know if he’s gay or not?” she asks, a million questions at once.

“We are not having this conversation right now,” Jensen whispers into the receiver, keeping his eyes on Jared.

“He’s in the room, huh? Okay, I’ll back off for now, but I’m gonna get all the details later, so don’t think you’re getting out of it!”

“Fine,” he concedes with a roll of his eyes. He knows she means it; she is too stubborn to just let this go. “Let’s move onto another topic now. So… uh, what are you doing tomorrow?”

“Going to the mall with Jenna after school,” she says with a smirk, he can hear it in her voice. “She says hi, by the way.”

Jensen lets out an audible groan of frustration that makes his sister laugh and catches Jared’s attention, who is now looking at him inquisitively. Jensen just shakes his head dismissively and, after a moment of hesitation, Jared shrugs his shoulders and turns away.

“That girl still hasn’t gotten over that silly little crush?” he asks, pouting a little, though he would never admit it.

“I think she’s gonna harbor it till the day she dies,” Mackenzie replies with laughter, knowing how much her friend gets on his nerves.

“God, I hope not,” Jensen replies dramatically. “She’s a sweet girl, but…”

“...she's a girl.” She finishes his sentence teasingly, unable to help herself.

Jensen laughs softly and nods his head, though he knows she can’t see him. “That’s not the only reason I wouldn’t be interested in her, she’s too young for me.”

“Yeah, but the main reason is because she’s a…” Mackenzie starts teasing him once again but he interrupts.

“Finish that sentence and I’ll hang up,” he warns.

“Alright, alright, I’ll stop.” She laughs joyfully. “You’re gonna have to hang up anyway, though, ‘cause I’m gonna go eat dinner.”

“Okay, well, I guess I’ll talk to you later.”

“You want me to tell mom and dad that you said hi?” she asks softly, and Jensen sighs.

“I highly doubt they’d want to hear from me anyway, so, no, don’t tell them I said anything,” Jensen replies quietly, defeated, and can feel Jared’s intense gaze on him.

“I know you may not believe it, but they do love you, Jensen, and they miss you. They just aren’t handling this very well.”

“That’s an understatement,” Jensen mutters under his breath. “You go have dinner and I’ll talk to you later, okay?”

Mackenzie gives up with a sigh, and then Jensen hangs up the phone. He can still feel Jared’s stare on him, but he doesn’t lift his eyes. He just programs his sister’s cell number into his phone, and then tosses it to the side, closing his eyes tiredly. He can hear Jared moving around, but he doesn’t open his eyes to see what he is doing.

“Jen… I know you don’t know me very well, but if you ever want to talk, I’d be more than willing to listen,” Jared says sincerely, and this makes Jensen open his eyes.

“I appreciate that, thanks.”

Jared’s silent for a moment, a look of concentration on his face. “What kind of problems are you having with your folks?”

“You don’t want to hear that story, trust me,” Jensen responds with a forced laugh.

“Yeah, I do,” Jared says sincerely, once again. “Will you talk to me about it?”

Jensen just stares at him hesitantly for a long moment, unsure if he wants to talk about this with him. He doesn’t particularly want to think, much less talk, about what happened to screw up his relationship with his family. But, then again, maybe if he tells Jared now, it will be out of the way and he won’t have to talk about it later. Sounds like the better option in the long run.

Jensen slowly nods his head, indicating he is willing to talk, and Jared just waits patiently. “A week before I came here, I told my family the truth about my sexuality,” Jensen says, flinching at the memory. “For a long time, I had kept it hidden, but I didn’t want to hide anymore. I wanted them to know the real me, not the one they believed me to be.”

Jared nods his head to show he is listening, but doesn’t say anything, giving Jensen time to get it all out. “They didn’t take it too well, obviously. My mom was really upset, told me how disappointed she was in me. My dad… he looked at me with such disgust in his eyes, I… I never thought he’d look at me in such a way, ya know.” Jensen blinks away the tears filling his eyes. “Josh, my brother, I don’t even know how he feels about it. He wouldn’t talk to me. I haven’t talked to him since that night. The only one who has stuck by me, and has accepted me for who I am, is my sister, Mackenzie.”

After taking a deep breath, Jensen attempts a smile, but judging by the sympathetic expression staring back at him, he knows he hasn’t fooled Jared. “Needless to say, I’m pretty positive I’ve lost my family. Which, yeah, it sucks, but I wouldn’t want them around if they didn’t accept me for who I am.”

For a few long moments, Jared doesn’t say anything, just looks at Jensen with a torn expression on his face. “Shit, Jensen, I’m so sorry,” he says finally, running a hand through his hair. “People can be narrow-minded, especially when it comes to things they don’t understand. I’m sorry you have to deal with that from your parents. It must be hard.”

“Yeah,” Jensen replies softly with a far away look in his eyes. “It hurts when your own parents change their opinion of you because they learn about something they don’t agree with.”

“They could come around eventually, though, you never know,” Jared says, trying to provide Jensen with a little hope.

Jensen smiles gratefully, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. “I would really like to believe that, but… it just doesn’t seem likely at this point. Besides, the last thing I need is false hope. I don’t wanna be let down when things don’t change for the better.”

Jared nods sympathetically. “At least you still have your sister though, that’s something to hold on to.”

“Yeah, she’s definitely someone who will always be there for me; she’s proven that much to me,” Jensen says quietly before averting his eyes, suddenly feeling very awkward. “Look, lets change the subject, ‘cause I’m getting depressed now and that’s not cool.”

A soft laugh escapes Jared’s lips and it makes Jensen feel a little bit better. “Hey, I’m going out with the guys to get some dinner, you wanna tag along?”

Jensen ponders over this invitation for a moment, wondering if he is up to going out and pretending that he is in a cheerful mood. Sitting around in the dorm, feeling sorry for himself, doesn’t sound all that appealing, but he isn’t sure if putting on a façade sounds all that much better. In his current state, he probably won’t be great company anyway. Best not to tag along, you’ll just end up bringing everyone down. He doesn’t know them well enough yet, and he doesn’t want to ruin any chances he may have at befriending them.

Finally, Jensen shakes his head in polite refusal and tells Jared he is kind of tired, figuring that is a good enough excuse. Jared nods his head in understanding, obviously knowing the real reason why he doesn’t want to go. He doesn’t push him though, and Jensen is grateful for it.

“If you change your mind, though, we’ll be at Sizzler. You’re more than welcome to join us,” Jared says as he stands up and begins getting ready to head out.

Jensen smiles gratefully but doesn’t respond verbally. He simply watches silently as Jared gets ready for dinner. Idly, he wonders if Alexis is going to be there. He refrains himself from asking Jared though, fearing Jared will see right through him. He has asked enough about her as it is. He is afraid that if he continues showing his curiosity, Jared will get suspicious and start putting the pieces of the puzzle together.

Grabbing his wallet from the desk, Jared puts on his hoodie and then turns to Jensen. He smiles, tells him once again that the invitation still stands, and then walks out the door. Jensen lets out a deep sigh once he is alone and allows himself to fall down onto his bed.

Don’t get in too deep, Jensen. Falling for Jared wouldn’t be the wisest of things to do, he reminds himself forcefully, berating himself for his stupidity. Just thinking about Jared makes him think about his first boyfriend, a guy named Brian.

He had really loved Brian, and had fallen hard for the blue-eyed cutie. He had met him during his sophomore year, and they had hit it off instantly. It had felt like they had known each other all their lives. Jensen had never been in love before, but he was sure that what he felt for Brian had to be love. They had spent all their time together, acting as though they were nothing more than friends in public, but in private, what they shared was far more intimate than anyone could imagine.

Only Jensen’s closest friends knew the true nature of their relationship. Growing up in Texas made them cautious, and Brian hadn’t been ready to come out of the closet. That was fine with Jensen though, and he was content with their situation. Hiding away was well worth it, so long as he could be with Brian.

During summer break, they had been inseparable, and that was when together, they lost their virginity. Most days they would take off to the river nearby to get away from watchful eyes where they could be themselves, and not have to hide their love for one another. Those were some of the best days of Jensen’s life; he can’t remember a time when he was happier.

Then came junior year, and Jensen’s life went downhill. Something had changed in Brian, and he couldn’t even seem to look Jensen in the eyes anymore. Not even a month after school began, Brian broke up with him, saying that he wasn’t gay and that he was just experimenting with Jensen; that what they had was a mistake that he wanted to pretend never happened. Jensen had been so confused and heartbroken, yet there was nothing he could do but accept it and move on.

Jensen has been a little more careful and protective of his heart since then, and that is why he is a little afraid to feel so strongly for Jared. Sure, he seems like a sweetheart, but so had Brian in the beginning. It doesn’t hurt to be a little cautious. Plus, there is still the obstacle of Jared having declared that he is absolutely, positively straight.

Rising from his bed, Jensen grabs his journal from his desk and then lays back down, resting on his stomach. He has yet to write an entry and figures now would be a good time to do so, since Jared isn’t here, and he has a little privacy.

September 4th, 1999

I can’t believe I’m actually here, in California. It seems almost surreal. For a while there, it seemed like a pipe dream that I wouldn’t really make a reality. I have wanted this for so long, and part of me was afraid I’d never make it here, to this point in my life. Yet, here I am; this is really happening.

This may make me sound like a gigantic dork, but I was so excited to start my classes today. It really looks promising, though. This is a subject I am interested in, something that is important to me, and I am just so glad to have been given this opportunity. I have always wanted to help people; being gay and all, I know what it is like to be judged and discriminated against. Maybe, with the necessary schooling, I will be able to take my passion and actually make a difference. That is what really matters most to me.

I met my roommate as well. His name is Jared. I don’t even know where to begin, to explain what it is I feel when it comes to him. He is a really nice person, with a big heart. I feel this strange connection with him that I have never felt before with another person. In a lot of ways, it scares me; I am not quite sure what is going on with me. We get along really well though, and I am so very comfortable with him. I can already tell that we’re gonna become the best of friends. Just writing that down makes me smile.

The problem is, I believe I may have developed a crush on one Jared Padalecki. It isn’t that I wanted to feel this way, it just sort of happened. It isn’t just his looks (though I must admit he's definitely a looker), I am mostly drawn to his friendly personality. He is the kindest person I have ever met, I can tell that he has a caring heart and would do anything he could for someone he loves and cares about. How could anyone help but adore him?

The biggest problem, however, is he’s a hundred percent straight. He is completely infatuated with this Alexis chick. How is it that I am always drawn to straight guys? Do I do it unconsciously, do I have that bad of luck, or do I do it because it’s safe?

Mood: tiredtired
Music: Third Eye Blind
Dev: pretty jensen b&wnice_demon on January 22nd, 2014 03:43 pm (UTC)
Why do you do this to us?!
I'm so sad now! I just want Jensen to be happy once...
Hats to you for a lovely chapter as usual!

FadedSparksfadedsparks on January 22nd, 2014 07:38 pm (UTC)
lol I think people have called me evil at times because of my love of angst, so I'm sure there's a bit of truth to that.

I'm glad you enjoyed this chapter though.