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25 December 2013 @ 01:50 am
Hands of Fate: Chapter Three  
Title: Caught in the Hands of Fate
Author: fadedsparks
Beta: lunadragonx
Art: trueshellz
Fandom: RPS
Pairing: Jensen/Jared
Rated: R, with NC-17 in later chapters
Genre: AU, Angst, Romance
Disclaimer: This isn't meant to offend anyone and I am making no profit from it.
Warnings: Violence and Homophobia. Also, Jensen and Jared are the same age in this story.
Summary: Jensen has had his share of ups and downs, but he pushes forward and tries not to take life for granted. Starting college in California seems like the right choice for him, and everything is going better than he imagined it would. However, fate can be a tricky thing sometimes.

Chapter Three:
These Tangled Emotions

October 5th, 1999

Jensen serves a girl with a bubbly personality, trying his best to smile politely, and when he hands her the change, he lets out a sigh of relief. Usually, he is friendly with everyone, and doesn’t have a hard time getting along with anybody, but this girl was seriously grating on his nerves. Every smack of her gum had him wanting to tear his hair out.

He has been working part time here, at Paradise Café, which is a block away from California State, for about two weeks now. Within the first week at college, he realized that he would need to get a job if he wanted to have any spending money. He would be in need of school supplies eventually, not to mention he also has to eat. He truly enjoys working at the café, but once in a while, they get a customer that even he can’t deal with.

Turning away from the cash register, a smile grows on his face as he watches Danneel enter the building. She greets him with a soft hello as she takes her place behind the counter. She is a shy girl, but very nice once you get to know her. It takes a while to get her to open up though. For the first few days that he was working at the café, she’d hardly said a word to him.

Looking at her, you wouldn’t think that she would be the shy type, because she wears pants with chains hanging off them, and shirts that always have evil looking designs and sarcastic catch phrases. She wears the darkest make-up she can find, has tattoos on various places on her body, piercings that go from her lobe all the way up the shell of her ears, and long ruby red hair that she normally keeps loose and flowing down her back. You would think she was some badass who always started fights and would kick a guy’s ass just for looking at her funny. But, appearance aside, she is a sweetheart. Jensen doesn’t hang out with her much, but likes her all the same.

“I would rather be anywhere than here, right now,” she says with a sigh as she looks at the sandwich ingredients in front of her with barely concealed disgust. “I had a late night last night, am tired as hell, and had to force myself to come in today.”

“Well, I’m glad you came in, otherwise you’d have left me on my own with Evan,” Jensen replies with a low groan as they both glance over to the man in question.

“Yeah, working with Evan is torture enough, but working with him alone is worse,” she agrees with a laugh, and they both grow quiet as Evan walks past them, muttering under his breath as he stalks off out back to take his break. “I swear, the guy permanently has a stick up his ass.”

“That’s true, but he seems to like you at least. The guy has some personal issues with me, and I can’t even figure out what it is I did to him. He resents me for no reason, and it’s really starting to get to me.”

“I wouldn’t take it too personally; he’s like that with everyone. The only reason he’s halfway decent to me is ‘cause he’s harboring an unfulfilled crush,” she says with a smirk. “He knows he has no chance with me, but that doesn’t stop him from trying. It makes working with him slightly bearable though. Too bad he doesn’t bat for the same team, maybe then he’d be a little nicer to you.”

“I think I’d rather deal with his attitude, thanks.” Jensen laughs with a shake of his head.

“Speaking of crushes, how are things with Jared going?” she asks, nudging him lightly in the ribs.

“He’s still as straight as ever,” Jensen replies with a tired sigh. “I seriously need to accept this and move on. He’s in love with Alexis and that isn’t going to change any time soon.”

“I dunno, anything can happen, Jen. From what you’ve told me, sounds to me like this Alexis chick doesn’t feel the same way. He’ll come to realize this one day, and then eventually he’ll move on.”

“Yeah, he’ll move on to someone else, some other girl who won’t appreciate him for the great guy that he is,” Jensen mutters miserably, and Danneel gives him a sympathetic smile.

When the bell above the entrance door rings, signaling a customer has entered, Jensen looks up and instantly a smile grows on his face. Jared smiles back in return as he approaches the counter, giving Danneel a flirtatious smile that he doesn’t completely mean. He can only truly see Alexis after all, but that doesn’t stop him from flirting with other girls, just to see them blush and smile. Danneel isn’t like other girls though. She simply tells him, with a smirk, to get over himself, and then walks away.

Jared shakes his head in amusement as he watches her. Jensen knows he only flirts with her to see what kind of reaction he will get each time. It is almost like a game between them; one that they both enjoy. Jensen enjoys watching it play out each time as well. It can get rather funny.

“She loves me; she just doesn’t know it yet,” Jared says with a laugh, smiling happily at Jensen.

“Keep telling yourself that, Jay,” Jensen replies with a chuckle as he walks up to his friend. “So, anything you want?”

“I’m thinking a turkey sandwich with all the trimmings,” Jared responds while rubbing his belly. “I skipped breakfast this morning, didn’t have the time, and now I’m extra hungry, so make sure it’s loaded.”

“Will do.” Jensen shakes his head in amusement as he gets to work on Jared’s lunch.

He makes sure to put extra of everything. Which, okay, he isn’t supposed to do, but this is Jared, and Jensen will just pay the difference if he has to. If there is any way that he can make Jared happy, even with the simplest and slightest of gestures, then he will do it.

Yeah, Jensen, you’re not pathetic at all, he silently mocks himself as he finishes making the sandwich. Jared always orders the same thing when he comes in, and Jensen isn’t sure why he asks him what he wants anymore. Jared will pretty much eat almost anything, but says he likes the turkey sandwiches at the Paradise Café. Or, at least, he likes them when Jensen makes them. This, of course, makes Jensen feel special, yet a little foolish at the same time.

Jensen hands Jared his lunch after he pays for it, and then gets him a large soda. Jared leans against the counter, out of the way of any customers that may show up, and visits with Jensen as he consumes his food. He reminds Jensen of a garbage disposal, eating just about everything, and engulfing it to the point that Jensen has to wonder if he even stops to taste it.

“Tonight, we’re all heading over to that club I was telling you about, Gotham. You wanna come too?” Jared asks with his mouth full.

“I dunno, not sure if I really feel up to it.”

“Come on, it wouldn’t be the same without you there. Besides, when was the last time you went out with us?” Jared tries to persuade him, using those wounded puppy eyes for all they’re worth. “It’s been a week! And I’m telling ya, if you keep that up, you’re gonna turn into a hermit, which I don’t even have to tell you how bad that would be.”

Jensen just laughs at how dramatic Jared is being, and then finally agrees. “I’m not staying out too late, though.”

“Doesn’t matter, I’m just glad you’re coming,” Jared responds with a satisfied smile.


Jensen tries to ignore Chris’ intense gaze as he searches his closet for something to wear. He doesn’t know how Chris figured out his crush on Jared, but he did, and now he never hears the end of it. Chris thinks he should tell Jared how he really feels, saying he might not get the reaction he is expecting, but Jensen won’t listen to him. Losing Jared’s friendship is just something he can’t risk. It may eat him up inside to have these feelings in silence, but it is better than the alternative.

He can just imagine how well that conversation would go over. He would pour his heart out, Jared would be shocked, then he would be freaked out, and then Jensen would lose his best friend. It just wouldn’t be worth it. Sure, it hurts to care so much when he can’t even tell Jared, but it would kill him to not have him at least as his friend.

Chris says Jared isn’t the type of person to walk away from a friend, just because deeper feelings might be involved, and maybe that is true, but Jensen isn’t going to take the risk to find out. He appreciates what Chris is trying to do, he knows he is only trying to help, but what he wants him to do just isn’t an option.

Thankfully, Chris has kept all of this to himself. Jensen knows he is trustworthy, and isn’t the type to spread other people’s business. Sure, he shares everything with Steve, (they are dating, after all) but he wouldn’t share something as private as this, even with him. If there is anyone you can talk to and trust to keep a secret, it's Chris.

“Damn, Jen, just pick something already,” Chris says with a groan of irritation.

“I would but nothing looks good enough.” Jensen throws his arms up in defeat and sinks down onto the chair by his desk. “I’m tellin’ ya, it’s hopeless.”

Chris lets out a derisive snort as he stands up and stalks over to Jensen’s closet, rooting through it impassively. After a moment, he pulls out a few articles of clothing and throws them down onto Jensen’s lap with a grunt. Jensen looks at the dark blue jeans and burgundy button down critically for a moment before nodding his approval.

Figures he’d find something I don’t completely hate, he thinks in bemusement as he walks into the bathroom and shuts the door behind him with a resounding click.

About twenty minutes later, he emerges from the bathroom, freshly changed, and with his hair gelled up into small spikes. He has decided to trade his glasses for a pair of contacts, wanting to look his best. He isn’t sure if he has achieved his goal but, judging by Chris’ expression, he thinks he just might have.

Chris lets out a whistle of appreciation and sizes Jensen up. “Looking fine, Jenny boy,” he says with a grin. “You definitely clean up nicely.”

“Don’t call me that…” Jensen groans with narrowed eyes, then looks down at himself self-consciously. “You really think so?”

“Hell, yeah. If I didn’t already have a boyfriend, I’d be all over you.” Chris leers with a predatory look on his face, though it is more playful than serious.

“Shut up. Steve would hit you upside the head for saying that,” Jensen says with a roll of his eyes.

“Actually, I think he’d be fighting me over you,” Chris says with a laugh, and Jensen just rolls his eyes once again, though his lips are threatening to turn up into a smile.

Jensen suggests they get going, so they can meet up with their friends at the club, and Chris gives an exaggerated “Finally” in return. Jensen punches him on the shoulder, making his friend laugh at the weak attempt, and then they are leaving campus. Walking side by side, they head over to Chris’ Ford Ranger and Jensen climbs in on the passenger side.

Fixing his signature cowboy hat more securely on his head, Chris gets behind the wheel and soon they are pulling out onto the highway. Fiddling with the dials on the stereo, he stops when he finds his favorite country station and begins singing along with the song that is currently playing. Once again, thinking that Chris has a nice voice, Jensen smiles as he listens to his friend rather than the actual singer.

Turning his head to stare out his window, he feels Chris’ eyes on him, but he doesn’t turn to acknowledge him. He is thinking about Jared. But, then again, what else is new these days. He is wondering how this night is going to play out. Is he actually going to spend some time with him, or will he be pre-occupied the moment Alexis arrives. He is pretty sure it is the latter, and that depresses him. He should be used to it after a month, but the truth is that he isn’t sure he ever will be.

“You’re thinking about Jared again, aren’t you?” Chris says with a sigh, and Jensen can feel the sympathetic look on his friend’s face directed at him.

“I can’t help it. I just wish he would notice me like I notice him,” Jensen says sadly, still looking out the window. “I know it’s stupid, but it’s how I feel. Why does he have to be straight?” he asks miserably.

“If he can’t see how great you are, then he doesn’t deserve you.”

“Don’t be that way,” Jensen says in Jared’s defense, “it’s not his fault.”

“I can’t help it Jen, I hate what this is doing to you, and Jared’s so oblivious, I just want to shake him sometimes. Even though I’ve only know ya a month, I consider you to be more like my brother than my friend, and I hate seeing you hurt,” Chris responds sincerely and Jensen can’t help the smile that lights up his face.

“Yeah, I see you the same way. And I appreciate the fact that you care, but, really, it’s not Jared’s fault. He can’t help that he’s in love with someone who doesn’t appreciate him, and he can’t help the fact that he isn’t gay. On some level, I’ve accepted this, it’s just kinda hard to let go, ya know.”

“Yeah, I know that, but still, I can’t help feeling protective of ya,” Chris says softly, suddenly looking awkward because of the emotional topic, and then he’s smirking. “Can’t help the fact that you’re so fragile looking, so petite and in need of protecting.”

Jensen laughs as he shoots a glare at his friend. “Shut up, asshole.”

Chris suddenly becomes serious, and Jensen finds himself fidgeting in his seat. “I’m serious though, Jen. You’re too trusting and too damn kind hearted. You need to be careful. People will take advantage of that, and I’d hate to see you get hurt.”

“I appreciate the concern, Chris, but I’m not naïve… I can take care of myself.”

“I’m not saying you’re naïve, Jen, just… be careful man, promise me that.” Chris actually looks really concerned and worried, and Jensen doesn’t have the heart to continue arguing with him over this.

“Alright, man, I’ll be careful,” Jensen replies sincerely, hoping to reassure his friend. “Besides, I know you’ll look out for me. I’m sure you won’t let me get in any bad situations.”

Chris nods his head with a smile, and then all falls silent between the two friends. It is a comfortable silence though, and Jensen finds himself relaxing in Chris’ company. He is no longer depressed, so that is a good thing. Chris finds ways of cheering him up, even if by doing so unconsciously, or purposefully.

Before long, they pull into the parking lot of Gotham and go in search of any sign of their friends. They find them standing outside, in front of the building, and head over to them. Chris wraps an arm around his boyfriend, and Jensen watches as Steve smiles lovingly at Chris. Jensen can’t help but smile as he watches them, thinking they are the perfect couple. He wants what they have. He wants it with Jared.

Might as well give up on that, it’s never going to happen, Jensen reminds himself and looks down at the cement beneath his feet, grimacing when he realizes he was an inch away from stepping in gum.

A hand on his shoulder gets his attention and he looks up into Jared’s bright, hazel eyes. He almost blushes under the intense stare, but manages to refrain just in time. Surprisingly, Jared takes a step back, usually having no concept of personal space, and looks at Jensen with a growing smile.

“You look really good, Jen, you should go without your glasses more often. They hide your green eyes; I never noticed how bright they were before.”

Jensen can’t stop himself from blushing beet red when he hears this, biting his bottom lip to keep from smiling like a fool. “I don’t wear my contacts all that much, but maybe I’ll wear them more often. In a lot of ways they’re better than my glasses.”

“You’re dressed to kill, man. Are you looking to get someone’s attention tonight?” Jared asks, wagging his eyebrows playfully.

It’s not going to do me a bit of good, but yeah, I am, Jensen says in his mind. “You never know,” is what he mutters.

Jared looks like he is going to respond, but their attention is drawn to Chad when he says, “we’re going inside now, so get your asses in gear,” and then promptly walks away from them. Shaking his head at their friend’s rudeness, Jared heads towards the direction Chad went off in and Jensen follows closely behind.

Showing his I.D. to the bouncer, Jensen walks into the club and some loud pop song instantly meets his hearing. Ignoring the annoying music, he follows his friends to a table overlooking the dance floor, and sits in between Jared and Chris. Tom leaves them there to grab a round of drinks, and a comfortable conversation falls over the table; with the exception of Chad’s rude comments, of course.

Jensen isn’t really participating in the conversation, just kind of watching as it plays out in front of him. He is content with just watching and listening to them though. He isn’t one of those types of people that think they should be a part of every conversation. He has always been a people watcher, so he is quite happy to just sit back and let his friends’ voices wash over him.

Jensen honestly can’t help himself when his eyes turn in Jared’s direction. That’s what he tells himself, at least. Jensen notices that when he talks, there are times where Jared shifts his eyes and looks in deep thought while he is trying to get his point across. Jensen watches as he laughs at one of their friends’ stupid jokes, and his eyes just begin to sparkle, showing how truly happy he is. Jensen couldn’t look away even if he wanted to.

You know how those cheesy romance movies always have a scene where the main character is looking at the other one, then the sound drowns out, and the camera shows the other character laughing, but you can’t hear them? And it’s like the main character’s breath is taken away, and all he/she can concentrate on is that person? Well, Jensen is having one of those moments. The only person he can see and hear is Jared. It is like Jensen drowned out everything else without realizing it. He can’t help it though... he just keeps realizing more and more how amazing Jared truly is.

When Tom returns with their drinks, Mike’s girlfriend, Kristen, pushes Jensen’s drink toward him. He just gives her a grateful smile in response and then she returns to her conversation with Alison, Tom’s girlfriend. He hasn’t known the girls for too long, but they seem nice. He met Ali the day after he was introduced to Tom. They have been a couple, for going on two years, and Jensen can tell that she is truly in love with him. She applied to California State just so she could be with him.

Mike, on the other hand, has only been dating Kristen for about two weeks. They met through one of their classes and, apparently, hit it off right away. No one is sure how long they are going to last, simply because they are complete opposites, but it is nice to see them both happy for the moment.

Taking a sip of his Coke, Jensen turns to his left, only to see Jared watching him intently. He raises an eyebrow curiously, making Jared smile widely, and asks if he is having fun. Jensen pretends to consider this for a moment, before nodding his head in exaggerated reluctance. Jared just smiles wider and nods his head.

“I told ya you’d have a good time,” Jared states with a smirk full of mirth and smugness.

“Oh yeah, you called it, Jare.” Jensen rolls his eyes playfully, while trying to keep a smile off his face.

“We’re going to do this more often, instead of sitting in the dorm like a couple of bums,” Jared states with finality.

“That would be nice,” Jensen says softly. Except, I enjoy staying in, ‘cause that gives me more time alone with you.

Suddenly, a huge grin climbs on Jared’s face and Jensen follows the direction of his gaze to see what is making him so happy. He smiles when he sees Sophia heading their way, but the smile quickly disappears when he sees Alexis following closely behind. Of course, she’s the only one who can make him smile like that, Jensen thinks miserably, hoping his thoughts aren’t clear on his face.

Sophia takes her place next to Chad, while Alexis takes the last available seat, which just so happens to be across from Jared. Jensen is beginning to think he has the worst luck ever, or some higher power wants revenge on him, for whatever reason. He has to literally stop the groan from leaving his lips when he sees Jared smile happily and engages Alexis in a conversation.

For as much as Jensen hates the fact that Jared likes her, he almost wants to bitch slap her when she actually has the nerve to look bored with their conversation. He can’t believe someone can be so clueless; she doesn’t even see what is right in front of her face. She can’t see just how great Jared is. She doesn’t see how big his heart is, the way his eyes shine when he is happy, how one look at her makes his day seem just a little bit better, or the way his face lights up when he laughs. She doesn’t realize how truly lucky she is, because Jensen would give anything to have Jared look at him that way.

It hurts, because Jared doesn’t notice him either. He looks at Jared this way, only Jared is completely oblivious. He can’t see how much Jensen really cares about him, and how he would do everything in his power to make sure he is happy. He would do whatever it takes just to bring a smile to his face. He would give anything to have Jared look at him the way he is looking at Alexis, even just one time. But Jared doesn’t see him, not really; he only has eyes for her.

“Hey, Alexis, do you, maybe, wanna dance?” Jared asks looking hopeful.

“I, um… I’m not really feeling up to it right now, but maybe later,” she responds with a soft smile before turning to engage herself in the conversation between Kristen and Ali.

Jared looks so disappointed, though he tries to cover it up with a smile, and Jensen finds himself glaring at Alexis. He can’t understand why she has to be so uncaring, even if unconsciously. Would it have killed her to give in this one time, give this to Jared, and dance with him? Sure, the last thing Jared needs is false hope, but he just looks so crushed. Jensen would give anything to take that look off his face, even if that meant having to watch Jared dance with her.

Jared smiles at Jensen when he sees him looking, and ducks his head to escape those sympathetic eyes. All Jensen wants to do is reach out and give him a comforting hug, or maybe offer to dance with him. He highly doubts Jared wants to dance with him though, so he keeps his mouth shut. He knows Jared is a pretty physical person, but he isn’t exactly sure how Jared will take it if he hugs him either, considering he is trying his damnedest to put up a brave face.


Returning from the bathroom, Jensen returns to the table only to see that Jared is gone. Taking a seat at the table, he sees that Kristen, Ali, Tom, Mike, and Alexis are missing as well. Turning to his friends that remain at the table, he opens his mouth to ask where the others have gone, but Sophia starts talking before he can get a word out.

“Come on Chad, let’s go dance,” she says as she stands up and tugs on the sleeve of his arm.

Chad pulls his arm out of her grasp and determinedly shakes his head in refusal. “Nuh uh, I don’t dance.”

Sophia scowls at him unhappily before turning to Jensen and grinning widely. “What about you, Jensen? You'll dance with me, right? I know you won’t let me down.”

“I’m not really into dancing. I look extremely goofy when I try, so I just don’t anymore,” Jensen refuses politely, blushing shyly.

Sophia looks a little put off for a moment, before her face brightens and she glances around the room, making everyone at the table wonder what she is up to now. “I guess I’ll just have to ask the guys around the room, I’m sure one of them won’t mind dancing with a pretty girl.”

Chad stands up when he hears this and grabs her arm as she begins to walk away. “No way, Soph. If you’re gonna dance with anyone, it’s gonna be with a gay guy or me.”

“But you don’t wanna dance with me. Neither do the gay guys at this table, so I might as well go find someone who will,” she retorts masterfully, letting Chad fall into her trap.

“You wanna dance, fine then, we’ll dance,” Chad growls as he starts dragging her toward the dance floor.

She looks back at Jensen and smiles wickedly, winking. Jensen chuckles under his breath and shakes his head; she totally has that guy wrapped around her finger and he doesn’t even see it. It is quite amusing when you think about it, especially since he would deny it like hell if someone pointed it out.

With his eyes, he follows Sophia and Chad out onto the dance floor and immediately he spots Jared. It is kind of hard to miss - someone that tall. He can’t help but frown when he sees that Jared is dancing with Alexis. He knows he should feel happy for Jared, after all, he finally got what he wanted, but all he feels is bitter jealousy.

Sure, he wasn’t lying to Sophia when he said he looks goofy when he dances, and he isn’t particularly fond of dancing, but he would dance with Jared if he had asked him to. But watching him dance with Alexis, that is no picnic, especially since she is grinding up against him like some two-bit whore. Okay, that might be a bit harsh; that is just the jealousy talking.

What is bothering him the most is the look of pure bliss on Jared’s face, not to mention the smile that goes from one ear to the other. I bet she doesn’t even notice, Jensen thinks bitterly.

“Alexis finally decided she wanted to dance, and when she realized no one would dance with her, she broke down and asked Jared,” Steve says when he notices Jensen watching them. “He jumped at the chance, of course.”

“Well, I’m glad. That’s all he really wanted,” Jensen replies, not really feeling happy for Jared at all and that just makes him feel guilty. I can’t be a very good friend if he’s finally happy and I’m not happy for him.

Chris looks at him sympathetically, and he has to look away, choosing instead to stare out onto the dance floor at Jared, which might not be the best option, but he finds himself doing it nonetheless. It is better than looking at Chris and letting him see all that is within, letting him know just how much this is killing him.

For the next ten minutes or so, Jensen simply watches Jared, watches him and Alexis dance song after song. He is beginning to wonder why he is even here in the first place. Jared had practically begged him to come because it wouldn’t be the same without him, only now that he is here, he’s spending his time with Chris and Steve, while Jared is on the dance floor with Alexis. It’s not that he doesn’t enjoy spending time with Chris and Steve; it is just that Jared made such a big deal about him tagging along, and he ditched him to be with her.

He realizes, on some level, that he is being unreasonable and selfish, but he can’t help it. He hadn’t even wanted to come, because some part of him knew this was going to happen, and he had wanted to spare himself the emotional pain. But he finds it hard to say no to Jared, feels it is practically impossible.

When Jared pulls Alexis closer and wraps his arms around her petite frame, Jensen decides he has had enough of torturing himself, and going back to the dorm sounds really appealing. When he stands up, Chris seems to understand what is going through his mind and he offers to give him a ride back to the dorms. Jensen declines softly, saying a walk could do him good. Chris nearly throws a fit when he hears this, saying that he would be an easy target if he were to walk back alone.

“Fine then, I’ll just flag down a taxi. You stay here and have fun, I don’t need a babysitter,” Jensen replies firmly before leaving the table and heading toward the exit, not once glancing back at Jared.

Once he is outside, he can breathe a little easier, and he finds a heavy sigh escaping him. Standing by the curb, he watches the passing cars in search of a taxi. A moment later, Chris steps up beside him, not saying a word, and not looking at him. Jensen knows better though, Chris has something on his mind, and, any minute now, he is going to put it into words.

Chris still isn’t looking at him when he says, “You need to get over him, Jen.”

“You think I don’t know that?” Jensen sighs in defeat and turns his sad eyes to his friend. “It’s not exactly easy. There isn’t an on/off switch I can just flip. It doesn’t work that way.”

“I know, man, but you’re killing yourself. Every time you see him with her, you die a little more, and I can’t just stand back and watch it. I care about you, Jen. I don’t like seeing you hurt so much because of him. Maybe you should try dating, give other guys a shot,” Chris suggests lightly.

“I don’t want to date other guys, Chris. I’m just not ready for that. I need to get over Jared before I can even try liking someone else.”

“Yeah, but getting out and dating might help take your mind off him,” he points out, and Jensen is tired of this conversation already.

“I appreciate that you’re trying to help, but that isn’t going to happen,” Jensen replies firmly, and then flags down a passing taxi. He smiles a bit sadly at Chris before getting in the car and telling the driver where to take him. When the driver pulls away from the curb, Jensen doesn’t look behind him to see if Chris is still standing there.


October 5th, 1999

Just got back from the club, and, of course, I came back alone. When I left the club, Jared was still on the dance floor with Alexis. I know that shouldn’t bug me so much, but it does. She practically ignores him, obviously doesn’t like him the way he likes her, didn’t even want to dance with him in the first place, yet, when no one else would dance with her, she decided he was her last resort. She can’t be that oblivious. She has to see that he is practically in love with her. So why the hell does she have to lead him on like that? It is just cruel!

Why would Jared put himself through that? I just don’t understand it, and it frustrates me to no end! He deserves better than that. He has to see how she treats him; he has to know she doesn’t think of him as boyfriend material. She makes it rather obvious. Yet, he still holds on and doesn’t give up on her.

I guess I really have no room to talk, I’m doing the same thing when it comes to him. I really should just admit defeat, let him go, and move on… I can’t do that though. It’s not that I don’t want to, no one in their right mind would want to put themselves through this kind of pain, but I just can’t seem to throw in the towel. My mind is telling me to give up on him, while my heart is holding on with a death grip… it’s tearing me apart.

Some part of me realizes that he is never going to see me the way I see him, he’s never going to see me as anything more than a friend. And that hurts, but it’s the truth. He doesn’t see the way I look at him, doesn’t know that in such a short time he worked his way into my heart, even though I’ve kept it guarded for such a long time. He’ll never see that I could love him the way that he wants her to. I see so much in him that she never will, but I know that wouldn’t matter to him. I’m not the one that he wants, and I know I never will be.

I keep reminding myself over and over again that he is straight, that there isn’t a gay bone in his body, but my heart keeps disregarding this information. It obviously doesn’t care; it’s going to hold on until these feelings and the pain will eventually break me. This isn’t comforting knowledge, of course, but I don’t know how to make my heart stop caring so much for him.

In the beginning, it started out as a crush; a deep one, but a crush all the same. Now, a month later, I can tell that if I keep walking down this path, it will very well turn into the real deal: love… and I don’t know how to stop that from happening. I’m in way over my head…

She can’t see the way your eyes
Will light up when you smile
She’ll never notice how you stop and stare
Whenever she walks by
And you can’t see me wanting you the way you want her
But you are everything to me

And I just wanna show you
She don’t even know you
She’s never gonna love you like I want to
And you just see right through me
But if you only knew me
We could be a beautiful miracle, unbelievable
Instead of just invisible


Invisible - by Taylor Swift
Mood: tiredtired
Music: Third Eye Blind
Dev: dean n leavesnice_demon on January 22nd, 2014 03:52 pm (UTC)
I would hate Jared if he wasn't so oblivious!
Poor Jensen!
FadedSparksfadedsparks on January 22nd, 2014 07:41 pm (UTC)
Yes Jared is sadly oblivious at this moment, which just makes it all the harder on Jensen unfortunately.