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01 February 2014 @ 02:06 pm
Hands of Fate: Chapter Ten  
Title: Caught in the Hands of Fate
Author: fadedsparks
Beta: lunadragonx
Art: trueshellz
Fandom: RPS
Pairing: Jensen/Jared
Rated: R, with NC-17 in later chapters
Genre: AU, Angst, Romance
Disclaimer: This isn't meant to offend anyone and I am making no profit from it.
Warnings: Violence and Homophobia. Also, Jensen and Jared are the same age in this story.
Summary: Jensen has had his share of ups and downs, but he pushes forward and tries not to take life for granted. Starting college in California seems like the right choice for him, and everything is going better than he imagined it would. However, fate can be a tricky thing sometimes.

Chapter Ten:
Barely Holding on to You

July 10th, 2000

“Why is this happening to me? What did I ever do to deserve this?”

Jensen stares at the petite girl sitting across from him, feeling helpless because he doesn’t know how to comfort her. He has never been good at comforting people and right now is no exception. He feels strange, odd in his own skin. He wants to help his friend but he doesn’t know what to say, the words are evading him at the worst time. She came to him because she has come to trust him most of all their friends and all he can offer her is an ear and useless reassurance.

“Why do I let him do this to me? You would think by now I’d wake up and realize he isn’t worth it ‘cause he’s never going to change.” Sophia berates herself, red rimmed eyes and tears on her cheeks.

“It’s ‘cause you love him and hoped he would change,” Jensen says softly, knowing these words don’t really help her situation but he felt they needed to be said all the same.

He had come to Jared’s work, a local bookstore, to visit his boyfriend and found a tearful Sophia instead. Seeing her so broken just about destroyed his heart and he had sat down with her immediately when she ran into his arms, sobbing. He has been sitting here with her for the past thirty minutes and he has yet to make her feel any better.

Jensen’s instant emotion when he heard that Chad cheated on her was anger. He just can’t believe Chad would do that to her, again. He has lost a lot of respect for him and would like nothing better than to beat the crap out of him, which is strange because he isn’t a violent person usually.

He has become close with Sophia though, and oddly protective. She doesn’t deserve to be hurt like this; she is a good person with a big heart. He just can’t understand how anyone would cheat on her, especially more than once. What he really doesn’t understand is the fact that Chad cheated. He truly seemed to love her, so why would he do that to her? Sure, he flirts like crazy and talks about other girls almost religiously, but that was always harmless. He never actually wanted to be with those girls, he cared about Sophia too much, so, what changed?

“What did he say when you saw him kissing that girl? Did he give you an excuse?” Jensen has to ask because he just can’t wrap his mind around Chad cheating.

“I didn’t give him time to,” she sniffles and wipes away her tears, though the action is rather pointless. “He cheated on me once before and I didn’t want to hear his excuses a second time around.”

Jensen nods his understanding, sympathetic eyes never straying from his friend. “I’m sorry Soph, you don’t deserve this.”

“I don’t know, maybe I do,” She laughs humorlessly. “I mean, I was stupid enough to take him back the first time. I obviously shouldn’t have.”

Jensen doesn’t know what to say to that so he elects to keep his mouth shut. He is still puzzled by the situation but Sophia did catch him red handed, so what more proof do you need?

Moving to the chair beside Sophia, he wraps an arm around her shoulders and lets her cry into his. If I can’t help her with words actions will have to do, he thinks to himself as he holds her close, trying his best to console her. She truly seems to appreciate it too, so he figures he must be doing something right.

Chad may be one of his friends, and he can be a decent guy when he wants to be, but he realizes that Sophia could do so much better. She is a pretty girl with a lot to offer; any guy would be lucky to be with her. She will eventually find someone who deserves her, Jensen has no doubt about that. She may even be happier with someone else; Lord knows she isn’t happy right now.

They both raise their heads when someone approaches their table and Sophia immediately stands up when they see that their visitor is none other than Chad Michael Murray. She glares daggers at him for a moment before turning and swiftly walking away. Jensen watches as Chad rushes after her, begging that she listen to him. He watches in astonishment when she stops suddenly, twirls around and punches Chad in the jaw.

He always knew she could take care of herself, she is a strong girl after all, but it is something completely different to witness it. He strangely wants to cheer her on, congratulate her, hi-five her, something. He couldn’t be more proud of her than he is right now. Chad deserves it and he is glad to see her sticking up for herself.

“Please, would you just listen to me? Just hear me out, okay, I have a good explanation.” Chad pleads, palm rubbing his sore jaw.

“I’m tired of your excuses Chad, I put up with a hell of a lot from you but this is one thing I can’t overlook again. It’s over, get that through your thick skull,” Sophia growls, a death glare on her face, and then she is walking away once more.

Chad doesn’t follow her this time, he simply stands there and watches helplessly. With slumped shoulders, he turns around and takes a seat across from Jensen, who raises an eyebrow at this. Jensen isn’t exactly the best person for Chad to be sitting with at the moment, considering how pissed off he is at the other man. If he is looking for sympathy he should go to Jared because he won’t find it with Jensen.

Chad eventually lifts his gaze from the table and looks at Jensen with defeated eyes. Jensen simply looks back at him blankly, figuring it is Chad’s own fault for his misery. Why should I feel bad for him when he put himself in this mess? Jensen silently concludes, mentally nodding his head.

“Dude, this is all just so fucked up and I don’t know what to do,” Chad finally says, running a hand down his face. “How can I explain it to her when she won’t even hear me out?”

“Do you deserve to have her listen to you?” Jensen says, unable to stop himself from asking the question incredulously.

“I’m telling you man, I didn’t cheat on her, I wouldn’t be stupid enough to do that again. I love her, Jen, and I’d never hurt her like that,” Chad replies sincerely, looking as though the world has fallen down on top of him. “That girl kissed me, I didn’t kiss her back, I swear! I pushed her away but Sophia saw us and came to her own conclusion. Now she won’t talk to me and I don’t know what to do.”

Jensen is quiet for a moment, not quite sure what he can say to help the distraught man. He has no doubt that Chad is telling him the truth, he can see it plainly on his face and in his eyes, but he doesn’t know if Sophia will be willing to hear him out. Jensen can’t blame her either; she puts up with a lot when it comes to her boyfriend. Chad really does love her though, so Jensen hopes they can work things out. Despite how odd their relationship is, they really do make a cute couple and they seem to have what it takes to make their relationship last.

“Why don’t you talk to Kristen or Aly and have one of them talk to Soph, let them tell her that you didn’t cheat and that she should talk to you about it.” Jared suddenly appears and sits down between them.

“Right now I’m willing to try anything, I don’t have any better ideas. I just hope she will listen to me ‘cause I don’t want to lose her,” Chad whispers, looking more vulnerable than Jensen has ever seen him. “Look, I’m gonna go and try to find one of the girls, I’ll talk to you guys later, though. And thanks for the advice Jared, let’s just hope it works.”

“Couldn’t hurt to give it a try. See ya later man, and good luck,” Jared responds as he watches their friend quickly leave the book shop and then he turns his attention to Jensen. “So, I’m assuming you came to see me and not to listen to our friends’ problems.”

“You would be correct in that assumption,” Jensen replies with a flirtatious smile. “How long you gonna be working?”

“I got another two hours left before I can leave,” Jared groans in response, glancing at the clock in irritation. “Why you asking, got plans for us tonight?”

“Not really, just wondering when you’re gonna be home is all.”

“Well, thankfully it won’t be too much longer. You wanna order a pizza tonight for dinner?”

“I never thought I’d say this but I think I’ve had enough pizza to last me a lifetime,” Jensen laughs, making a face at the thought of eating pizza again. “I’m kinda burnt out on it.”

Jared laughs heartily at this and Jensen smiles as he watches him, wondering if he can bring that beautiful sound out of his boyfriend more often. “I hear ya man, seems like that’s all we’ve been eating lately,” Jared nods his head as he says this. “How ‘bout Chinese, then?”

Jensen thinks about this for a moment, finding the idea appealing, and then nods his head. “Yeah, that sounds good.”

“Alright, I’ll pick it up after work, then.”


July 17th, 2000

Jensen slides his glasses off his face and rubs at his eyes, groaning at the heat in the room. Living in Texas you have to get used to the heat but right now, in California, he feels like he is boiling. Putting his glasses back in place, he grabs the hem of his shirt and tugs it over his head. He doesn’t usually prefer to walk around shirtless, too self-conscious of his body, but right now he is too hot to care.

He has nothing to do until Jared gets back from work and all the ideas he comes up with to keep himself occupied are tedious and unfulfilling. His growling stomach reminds him, once again, of his hunger so fumbles around in his nightstand drawer and pulls out a bag of Doritos. Taking his chips over to his desk, he sits down and powers up his computer. Figuring that chatting online for a while could pacify his boredom, he enters a chat room and pushes himself into the conversations taking place.

Talking dispassionately with these anonymous people on the internet makes him think of his own friends, Chad and Sophia in particular. Things are still rocky between the couple but they are working on their relationship and Jensen hopes they can stay together. It took a while to get Sophia to listen to even Kristen, but eventually Aly was the one to get through to her and Sophia finally broke down and talked things out with Chad. She is working on her trust issues and Chad hasn’t said a word about another girl since the incident, so there might be hope for them yet.

Jensen is pulled from his thoughts when Jared enters the room, trying to keep a hold of the bag of food in his hand, shut the door, and talk on his cell at the same time. Jensen smiles at the sight and stands to help his boyfriend. Jared smiles his gratitude and moves over to his bed as Jensen places the bag of food on the desk.

“No, I’m not taking on more than I can handle, I’m managing just fine with work and my studies,” Jared rolls his eyes as he says this and Jensen smiles to himself, sure that his boyfriend is talking to a member of his family.

Being near silent, Jensen walks to his bed and lies down on his side, watching Jared with interest. Jared scowls, hating to have an audience when on the phone, and shifts away. Jensen chuckles lightly, refusing to acknowledge that it sounded more like a giggle than anything else, and keeps his eyes on the man across from him. He knows that Jared hates it but he can’t help himself.

Jared lets out a huff and Jensen can imagine he is rolling his eyes in annoyance right now. Jared does that a lot; it is a habit he doesn’t even seem to know he has. Jensen doesn’t understand why but he finds that endearing about his boyfriend.

“Mom, no, there’s no girl in my life at the moment,” Jared replies quietly and Jensen’s attention is immediately captured. “I’m not looking for a relationship right now, I have other things on my plate that I need to concentrate on… no, I don’t want you setting me up with anyone! Besides, I live all the way over here in Cali and I really don’t want the pressure of a long distance relationship on my shoulders. When I’m ready to find someone I will, but it’s gotta be on my own terms.”

Jared’s broad shoulders are set firm, tension radiating off his posture, and Jensen lowers his eyes to the blanket covering his bed. He had a feeling that Jared’s parents were pestering him about finding a girl and settling down, but from Jared’s side of the conversation with his mom, he now has evidence of his theory.

Both Jensen’s and Jared’s moods are dampened considerably as Jared’s mom obviously argues with her son, Jensen can tell just from his boyfriend’s slumped shoulders. Jared lowers his head and rubs at his face tiredly, glancing over at Jensen briefly. From the look in his eyes and the expression on his face Jensen can tell that he is troubled.

Jensen is aware of how much family means to Jared and he is beginning to wonder if this is going to be a problem for them. Jared would never want to do anything to disappoint his family and fears losing them more than anything, so… If they were to disapprove of our relationship and it came down to them or me.. would Jared leave me? Jensen asks the terrifying question in his head, unable to speak it aloud.

He knows he really shouldn’t be worrying over such things until there comes a time when he will have to, but he just can’t seem to avoid it. Hearing Jared on the phone with his mom, seeing how tense he is and how he looks almost defeated, Jensen can’t help but wonder if this could get in the way of their relationship one day.

Just stop thinking about it Jensen! He mentally scolds himself. Jared loves me, he wouldn’t let this tear us apart, he’d find a way to make it work.

“Alright, mom, I have to go now, I’m going to eat my dinner,” Jared says, sounding exasperated. “Fine, I’ll call you again as soon as I can. Tell everyone I love them and give Megan a hug for me… Love you too mom, talk to you later.”

Jared hangs up the phone, dropping his hand down into his lap, and Jensen frowns when he doesn’t turn around to face him. His forehead creases in concern when Jared continues to sit there silently, not even moving an inch. Jensen knows that the conversation with his mom has put his boyfriend in a sour mood, but should he look so depressed?

“Hey, Jay, is everything okay?” Jensen finally asks when he can no longer handle the silence.

Jared visibly startles back into awareness and glances back at Jensen, offering him a smile that doesn’t even reach his eyes. This only manages to worry Jensen further. Jared has never acted this way before after a phone call from home. Jensen has to wonder what is different this time and what has upset his boyfriend so much. Jared is usually full of smiles, some wider than others but all genuinely happy; this smile seems forced and lacking the joy they usually contain.

“Nothing’s wrong, Jen, don’t even worry about it,” Jared answers, standing up and grabbing the bag of food Jensen abandoned on the desk. Jensen gives his boyfriend a skeptical stare to which Jared sighs. “I’m serious, I might be missing my family a little, but other than that all is fine.”

“If you say so,” Jensen says slowly, not completely convinced but knowing better than to pressure Jared into talking to him. “What did you pick up for us?”

Jared holds up the bag of food, bottom saturated with grease, and smiles wolfishly. “In this bag here, we have two delicious cheese burgers and more fries than either of us will be able to eat.”

Jensen quirks an eyebrow in disbelief at this, “Somehow I highly doubt that, Jay,” He responds with a laugh while Jared just pouts. “We both know you have an appetite that exceeds the portions of food any restaurant has to offer.”

Jared shrugs at this nonchalantly, not admitting anything but not denying it either. “You really shouldn’t mock the man that brought food home, I just might decide to be stingy and keep it all to myself.”

“Where’d you go to get it?” Jensen questions as he snatches the bag out of Jared’s hand and takes out the food that is rightfully his.

Jared scowls at his rudeness for a long moment before finally answering his question. “You know that restaurant by my work?”

“John’s Place,” Jensen answers before taking a large bite of his cheeseburger, looking up at his boyfriend with full attention.

Jared shakes his head at Jensen’s actions. “Yeah, I stopped there before heading home. Figured you’d like something a little different. Besides, that place has good food, if I do say so myself.”

“Where are the drinks?” Jensen questions just to be difficult. Oh, I enjoy giving him a hard time, it is far too easy! Jensen snickers to himself.

Jared deadpans at this and Jensen finally can’t hold in his laughter anymore, full body shudders wracking his slender frame as he fights to breathe and laugh at the same time. Jared rolls his eyes and sighs dramatically, patiently waiting for Jensen’s fit to calm down. Jensen’s laughter doesn’t cease right away though, and when it finally tones down a bit he can’t stop himself from smirking at Jared in amusement.

“You have been mean to me ever since I got here, see if I ever bring food home to you again.” Jared pouts like a toddler, crossing his arms over his chest and glaring at Jensen unhappily.

“Aww, don’t be like that, you know I tease you out of love,” Jensen coos, fighting to keep a smile off his face and his laughter at bay. He gets the feeling he isn’t succeeding as well as he had hoped though.

“You’re a jackass!” Jared scowls as he stands up and heads to the door. “I’m gonna go grab some sodas from the vending machine just so I can get away from you for a few minutes.”

Jensen’s hearty laughter follows him as he walks out the door, grumbling about ungrateful and rude boyfriends as he leaves the room. Jensen watches him go, tears of laughter in his eyes, and can’t help thinking, God, I love that man.


July 24th, 2000

Jensen pushes Mike away from him as the other man, once again, tries to jump onto his back. Mike acts like a crazy person most of the time but get some alcohol in his system and he becomes unbearable. It had been Chris’ idea that they all go out to the Roadside Bar, which has become their hangout and a place they go when they need to unwind. Jared is of age now as well, so they go out a lot more than they used to.

Jensen is beginning to regret his decision to tag along, however, because Mike has made it his personal mission to jump on him every chance he gets. This, of course, serves well for everyone else’s entertainment, including Jared’s. Jerk, Jensen thinks spitefully as he glowers at his grinning boyfriend.

“I’m not ready to go home yet, the night’s still young,” Mike says excitably, practically bouncing as he walks.

“Well, I can’t stay out all night like you’re so obviously wanting. I have class in the morning and I have to be at work by two in the afternoon,” Jensen voices, though he begins to question why he felt the need when all this does is capture Mike’s attention and once again, the other man is attempting to jump up onto his back. Does he have something against walking? Jensen silently questions as he pushes Mike away once more, growing more irritated.

“Come on man, my back is free if ya want it,” Tom says suddenly and Mike perks up immediately.

Jensen smiles gratefully and Tom winks in return, hunching down so Mike can wrap his arms around his neck and his legs around his waist. Once Mike is situated everyone continues walking once more in the direction of the college. The walk is long; they left the bar some time ago, and they still have a few blocks to go but this doesn’t bother any of them, except Chris. Chris had absolutely refused to walk, actually looking disgusted by the idea, so they parted ways with him and Steve back at the bar. They had opted to take a taxi back to their house because Chris bitched long and hard about walking.

Jensen turns his head to the right to see Jared walking silently beside him, out of arms reach with his hands in his pockets. Jensen tries not to let this get to him, he knows how Jared feels about being out in public after all, but it still manages to grate on his nerves a little. He knows that to argue with Jared about this would be petty though, so he keeps his mouth shut. He just tells himself to have a little patience and eventually Jared will be ready. Do I really believe that anymore? Jensen questions silently, suddenly feeling very doubtful.

Jensen’s thoughts stray to how Jared has been acting lately and a deep frown creases his forehead. His boyfriend has been growing increasingly distant ever since that conversation with his mom a few days ago and Jensen doesn’t know how to broach the subject with him, doesn’t know if he even wants to. He is worried about the other man, and feels powerless as to how to help him.

Jared refuses to talk to him about what is going on and Jensen hasn’t even a clue as to what is going through his head. He can tell that there is something bothering his boyfriend, he can see it in his eyes and can tell by how he has been acting, but Jared has yet to confide in him and Jensen is beginning to wonder if he ever will.

Jared’s secrecy hasn’t affected their relationship, not really, so he isn’t going to pressure his boyfriend into talking. Once it begins to put a strain on it, then Jensen will pester Jared into confiding in him, but until then he isn’t going to push his boyfriend. Doesn’t mean I have to stop worrying about him though, Jensen reasons as he keeps his eyes on Jared, who is as silent as he has been the past couple of days. This is uncharacteristic behavior for him since he usually can’t keep his mouth shut for long. Jensen sees it as just another reason to worry about him.

“We should all go out to dinner sometime, but some place nice for once,” Kristen says suddenly, capturing everyone’s attention

“Like where exactly,” Sophia asks, intrigued.

“I was thinking Applebee’s, some place like that.”

“That’s what you consider to be ‘nice’?” Chad asks mockingly, incredulous expression covering his features.

Kristen glares at Chad, “It’s better than McDonald’s or Del Taco, any place that isn’t fast food is a ‘nice place’ in my book.”

“It sounds appealing to me,” Alison pipes up, ever the joyful one. “We should make it a tradition or something. We could go out to eat at a ‘nice’ restaurant once a month. It will be the one time of each month where we‘ll all get together and hang out. We don‘t get to do that enough and this way we all have something to look forward to.”

“We’ll have to talk about it with Chris and Steve, but I’m in for that idea.” Mike says after a moment, a friendly smile lighting up his face.

“You’re only saying that ‘cause your girlfriend suggested it,” Chad mocks him, seemingly unhappy unless he is putting someone else down.

“And your girlfriend thinks it’s a good idea too,” Sophia speaks up, smirk directed solely at Chad. “You have any objections about that?”

Chad grumbles a moment, none too happy about being ganged up on, and simply shakes his head in answer. Sophia smiles smugly and this ends the discussion. Jensen shakes his head in bemusement as he watches his friends, thinking they just might be crazy, and then motions to Jared that they have reached campus.

They say their goodbyes to their friends, Jensen promising to meet up with Sophia for lunch tomorrow, and then they are heading into the building. They walk silently side by side, their footfalls echoing off the walls. Jensen can’t understand where the awkward tension has come from; it seems to come out of nowhere, and he wonders if Jared can feel it too. I can’t see how he wouldn’t be able to with how thick it is, he thinks dryly to himself as they trudge down the hall.

Moments later they reach their room and Jared stands quietly behind him as Jensen unlocks the door. The moment they are within the confines of their room Jared takes a seat at his desk and slumps down lazily into the chair. Jensen watches him in concern for a second before finally moving over to his night stand and grabbing his glasses.

Grabbing his night clothes, Jensen heads into the bathroom without a word to Jared and takes out his contacts, switching them with his glasses. He then changes his clothes and brushes his teeth for the night. Once that is taken care of he rests his palms on the marble sink and stares at his reflection in the mirror. His eyes are dull with burden and filled with worry while his expression is crestfallen and clearly shows what his boyfriend‘s distance is doing to him emotionally.

You need to get it together, he coaches himself firmly and determinedly, Jared doesn’t need to deal with your problems on top of his own, he has enough weight on his shoulders.

When he returns from the bathroom Jared is sitting in the same position he left him in, eyes closed and weary expression. His shoulders are slumped, seemingly unconsciously, like the weight of the world rests upon them and his lips are turned down in a frown. Jensen can’t stand seeing his boyfriend this way; whatever is bringing him anguish needs to be dealt with before it consumes him and leaves a mere shell behind.

Never taking his eyes off the man a few feet away, Jensen takes a seat on his bed and leans his back against the wall. “Jay, what’s wrong?” He finally asks the question that has been avoided until now. “Don’t tell me it’s nothing either, ‘cause I’m not naïve and I can see it on your face.”

Jared releases a heavy, burdened sigh before opening his eyes and meeting Jensen’s stare with a guarded expression. “It’s nothing to worry about, Jen. I just have some things on my mind.”

“Well, it’s obviously something to be concerned about when it puts that look on your face,” Jensen argues lightly, regarding Jared with searching eyes. “I don’t mean to push you man, but I’m really worried about you. Since when have you ever felt that you couldn’t talk to me about things that were bothering you? Does this concern me or our relationship in any way?”

Jared rises from the desk chair slowly, heated gaze fixed on Jensen as he heads to the door and when the lock slides into place the sound reverberates throughout the otherwise silent room. Jensen shivers at the implication and from the heat of Jared’s stare.

He knows that Jared is avoiding the subject, opting to distract Jensen so he doesn’t have to answer. Just as he is about to call him out on this Jared is pressing him into the mattress and devouring his mouth hungrily. Jensen knows where this is going, and he is a little irked that Jared would use this against him, but he finds it difficult to put a stop to it when he is being kissed so thoroughly.

When his boyfriend’s hand disappears beneath the elastic of his pajama pants, Jensen’s mind effectively shuts down and all he knows is pleasure so exquisite that moans continuously fall from his lips.


Jensen idly strums the guitar he received on his birthday as he listens to Kristen complain about some girl in her class that was flirting shamelessly with Mike. While he does agree that the girl was out of line, he can’t help finding the whole situation amusing, mainly because seeing such a petite girl so pissed off is an interesting sight. He has come to know Mike pretty well and he thinks it is safe to assume that he was eating up all the attention, all the time not knowing just how pissed off his girlfriend really was.

“The slut was still flirting with him even after I told her that he was taken,” she fumes, fire blazing behind her eyes. “If we hadn’t been in class I would’ve slapped that tramp! I mean, who does she think she is? I’m not the type of girl to mess with, I may be small but I’ve got claws. No one flirts with my man, in front of me no less, and gets away with it.”

“Yeah, but you got your revenge when Mike left the class with you and spared her no passing glance,” Jensen points out to boost her ego.

“Hell yeah, take that bitch!” she laughs cheerfully, sending a megawatt smile in Jensen’s direction. “Sorry ‘bout coming here, ranting and raving, that hadn’t been my intention when I asked to hang out this morning.”

Jensen smiles in amusement at the sheepish blush on her cheeks and shakes his head dismissively. “Doesn’t bother me, so don’t worry ‘bout it. Besides, I’m kind of used to it by now. Soph uses my ears for all her complaints anyway.”

Kristen laughs and nods her head in sympathetic understanding, shifting onto her stomach with her legs dangling over the edge of the bed. “I can see why everyone goes to you when they need to talk, or rant in my case.”

Jensen quirks an eyebrow and motions for her to elaborate. “You’re just a really good listener and you seem to know the right things to say to cheer someone up,” she explains, shrugging casually. “Thanks for listening to me, I needed it.”

Jensen waves his hand dismissively. “It’s not a problem, I don’t mind. Just means that all of you owe me, so whenever I am in need of an ear or advice you better be prepared.” He says this in mock warning and it earns him a laugh from the brunette beside him.

“Duly noted,” Kristen responds, giving a sharp nod of her head resolutely. “So, tell me, how are things going for you and Jared?”

Jensen takes a moment to answer her question, deciding that he isn’t quite ready to talk to anyone about the problems that have been growing between them and simply shrugs his shoulders. “Everything is fine with us. Our relationship is still going smoothly, thankfully.” Even as he says this he feels like crap for lying to her.

Sure, things could be worse between them, but Jared is still as distant as he was before and the distance just seems to grow with each day that passes. As for what he should do to stop it, Jensen is at a loss. He feels helpless and he doesn’t like it. Jared has become a mystery to him since he refuses to tell Jensen what is bothering him and Jensen isn’t quite sure where that leaves them. He feels like the other man is a million miles away and he doesn’t know how to reach him anymore. He is walking down a dead end path and he is afraid that once he reaches the end of the road all he will find are tears.

“I’m glad to hear that,” Kristen speaks sincerely when she says this. “If anyone has the potential of having a lasting relationship it would be the two of you.”

Jensen isn’t quite sure how to reply to this, though he is touched by her words. It is just that he isn’t sure how long they are going to last with this huge issue between them. Kristen sounds so positive that what they have is genuine and meant to last, and he used to think this way, but he has become doubtful. How can a relationship survive when one half of the whole is pulling away?

“Well, as much as I don’t want to, I guess I better be going. I still have a paper to work on and I’m supposed to go to a movie with Aly tonight,” Kristen says with a groan as she lifts herself up from the bed and gives Jensen a brief hug. “I will see you later.”

“Alright, have fun at the movies and good luck on your paper,” Jensen calls out to her before she opens the door and leaves.

Jensen removes the guitar from his lap and sets it beside his bed, leaning it against his night stand. He pulls his journal from the drawer, deciding he has nothing better to do so he might as well make an entry, and flips to a blank page. He stops abruptly, however when he notices that the handwriting on the latest entry isn’t his own. He is instantly wary when he recognizes it as Jared’s writing. He has written here of his fears and now he is worried that Jared has seen what he wrote.


I know what you’re probably thinking, that I read your journal again, but you don’t have to worry. I haven’t invaded your privacy again, I wouldn’t do that to you. There are just some things I have wanted to talk to you about, things you need to be reassured on, only I couldn’t bring myself to talk to you in person. I know that makes me a coward, but that’s just me, I guess.

I know I haven’t been the best boyfriend to you lately. I know you would deny this and try to make me feel better about it but we both know this is the truth. I haven’t been there for you like I should be and I am so sorry for that. Things have just been eating at me lately, and I know it’s bothering you that I won’t confide in you, it’s just I haven’t been in a sharing mood lately and I find it hard to talk about with anyone.

As you know I have never been in a relationship with a guy before, and I won’t even try to deny that I don’t quite know what I’m doing. Our relationship is hard on me at times, and I’m not saying this to make you feel bad, but I figured you deserved the truth. This doesn’t make me love you any less though, ‘cause I love you more than I ever thought I could. It is just hard for me to show my feelings sometimes.

I know I’ve been distant lately, and I wish I could explain it to you, but there are just so many different thoughts going through my head right now that I need to sort out before I can even attempt to talk to you. I hope you can understand and try to be patient with me. I promise I will come to you once I have everything figured out, I just need a little time.

Also, I know it bothers you that I won’t act like a boyfriend to you in public, and while I know that is what you deserve, I just can’t get past these irrational fears in my head. I’m not ready to show me to the world. You deserve so much better than me, I know someone else could give you everything I can’t, or won‘t I should say, but I am so grateful to be the one you chose. You have to know you mean the world to me and while I might not always show it, it’s the truth.

I’m sorry if I am hurting you in any way by my reluctance, it’s honestly the last thing I ever wanted to do. I’m trying to be the man you deserve, even if it doesn’t seem like it, I am honest to God trying, I swear. I am sure I will be ready one day to shout our love to the world, but right now I am just not ready for that. I don’t want to lose you over this but I also feel that pushing myself before I’m ready would be a mistake both of us would come to regret.

Please don’t give up on me yet, Jen.

A smile crawls onto Jensen’s face as he finishes reading the words on the page, slowly closing his journal. The last thing he expected was to find a letter from Jared, but he is glad that he did. With his mind focused on his boyfriend, all Jensen can think is, just when I start doubting the strength of our relationship he goes and catches me completely off guard… Damn, I love this man.

Mood: calmcalm
Music: Lana Del Rey