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01 February 2014 @ 02:07 pm
Hands of Fate: Chapter Eleven  
Title: Caught in the Hands of Fate
Author: fadedsparks
Beta: lunadragonx
Art: trueshellz
Fandom: RPS
Pairing: Jensen/Jared
Rated: R, with NC-17 in later chapters
Genre: AU, Angst, Romance
Disclaimer: This isn't meant to offend anyone and I am making no profit from it.
Warnings: Violence and Homophobia. Also, Jensen and Jared are the same age in this story.
Summary: Jensen has had his share of ups and downs, but he pushes forward and tries not to take life for granted. Starting college in California seems like the right choice for him, and everything is going better than he imagined it would. However, fate can be a tricky thing sometimes.

Chapter Eleven:
All Alone in Love?

Jensen lifts his head when the door opens and smiles welcomingly at his boyfriend. Jared’s eyes light up the moment they fall on the guitar in his hands and immediately Jensen can see the plea before it leaves Jared’s lips. Jensen shakes his head in refusal as he puts the guitar on the floor but Jared nods his head fervently in response, picking up the abandoned guitar and placing it in Jensen’s lap once more.

“Please Jen,” Jared whines, using those puppy eyes for all they are worth. “I never get to hear you sing! Do this for me, please?”

Jensen simply looks at Jared for a long time, hesitant because he doesn’t like singing in front of anyone, but eventually he situates the guitar on his lap and strums it experimentally. He glances up to see Jared watching him expectantly and knows he isn’t going to get out of this, his boyfriend won’t allow it. God, he’s like a dog with a bone, Jensen muses to himself as he decides on a song and begins to play the second verse, albeit shakily.

After a few moments, Jensen abruptly stops playing and looks at Jared miserably. “I can’t do it Jay, my voice is shaking like hell and I sound like shit!”

The laugh Jensen was expecting never comes. Instead, Jared soothes him with a ‘shush’ and moves to sit behind him. Running his hands down Jensen’s arms in a caress, he places a kiss to the nape of Jensen’s neck and tells him that he was doing great. Jensen takes a deep, calming breath and rests his hands on the guitar, leaning back into the comforting warmth of his boyfriend.

“It might be easier now that I’m not staring at you,” Jared whispers into his ear, breath washing over already heated skin. “Go on, try again.”

Jensen takes another breath in an attempt to calm his nerves and steady his trembling voice. It's just Jared, he silently tells himself, he wouldn’t make fun of you, he wants to hear you sing after all. Opening his mouth, Jensen tries again.

As Jensen sings he finds that it comes to him a little easier as he goes along, especially with the reassuring comfort of Jared against his back. He is feeling more at ease now than he was mere moments ago and the words seemingly fall from his lips of their own accord.

Jensen shivers pleasantly when he feels Jared’s lips on the side of his neck, his mouth closing over the place where Jensen’s shoulder meets his neck, wet tongue sliding over his heated skin. It makes it a little difficult for him to keep playing, especially with how his voice hitches and trembles out of passion, but Jensen finds that he doesn’t care.

Jared moves up to Jensen’s ear at an achingly slow pace, closing his mouth around the lobe before whispering, “I love you Jen, never forget that.”

A smile crawls onto Jensen’s face, making the words of the song sound strange and disfigured, and he makes no protests when Jared takes the guitar out of his hands. Jared moves out from behind him and he allows himself to be pushed onto his back. Jared is atop him mere seconds later, smiling down at him mischievously, and Jensen wraps his legs around his boyfriend’s waist. With his eyes he silently pleads with Jared to make love to him and Jared wastes no time in divesting him of his clothes.


September 18th, 2000

Jensen lies in bed, thoughts keeping him wide awake, and listens to the ticking of the clock on his night stand. He hadn’t gotten much sleep last night and had rushed back to the room after his class, intent on getting a couple hours sleep before heading off to work, but so far it hasn’t worked out the way he had planned. He is still as tired as he was when he entered the room but his mind is making it impossible to fall asleep, even though his body is screaming for a little rest.

Finally admitting defeat, Jensen pushes himself into a sitting position and releases a heavy sigh. Picking up his guitar he absentmindedly begins to strum out an unknown melody. As he idly plays the guitar the melody grows somber and melancholic as his thoughts take his mind away.

He can’t help wishing that Jared were here but the thought of his boyfriend just puts him in a depressed mood. Despite what Jared wrote in his journal, things haven’t gotten even remotely better, instead they have just gotten worse. Jared has become more distant and withdrawn, though the other man denies it vehemently each time Jensen brings it up.

He can’t seem to get his boyfriend to do anything with him anymore. Unless they are going out with the rest of their friends they stay in their room. Jensen can’t help feeling as though their relationship has been confined to their dorm or Chris and Steve’s place. Every time Jensen suggests going out to eat together or to see a movie Jared shoots him down. That doesn’t stop Jensen from trying though.

Another thing he can’t stop thinking about is the fact that Jared hasn’t touched him since the night he asked him to play a song for him, two whole months ago. Having his boyfriend act like he doesn’t even want to touch him bothers Jensen significantly. He can’t understand how things went downhill so quickly. He feels like he is losing the other man and he doesn’t know what to do. He wants to confront Jared but is afraid of what he will find out if he does. He doesn’t see how this could be a simple issue, not with how much Jared has drawn away from him.

Why doesn’t he want to touch me anymore? Is he falling out of love with me? Jensen can’t help but wonder. Jared is giving him no reason to believe otherwise, so really, what is he supposed to think? He doesn’t want to do anything with me anymore, not even go out to the movies like we used to.

Jensen groans in frustration at the thoughts running through his head and removes the guitar from his lap, leaning it against his nightstand. He covers his face with the palms of his hands as he lets out a long, drawn out sigh. He just wishes his boyfriend would talk to him, open up even just a little. He needs to know what is going on, what is making his boyfriend pull away from him. He feels helpless, clueless, and scared because of the situation he has found himself in. He needs Jared to reassure him that everything is going to be okay and that he still loves him.

He figures the source of the problem starts with Jared’s parents because he is most distant whenever he gets off the phone with his mom or dad. He always pushes Jensen away and recedes inside himself so deeply that Jensen can’t reach him. He can tell his boyfriend is distraught - something is seriously bothering him, and Jensen would like to help him with whatever it is - yet at the same time, he has to admit he is a little afraid to know what the problem is.

He can’t help getting the feeling that whatever is bothering his boyfriend would hurt him badly. That is why he hasn’t broached the subject, he is afraid to hear the words. He has no doubt that this is something he really doesn’t want to hear because he is afraid once the truth is revealed he will lose Jared.

Things can’t possibly go on the way they are either, Jensen silently acknowledges. This isn’t just going to go away, and the chances of losing him are greater if I continue to sit here and do nothing.

Jensen is drawn out of his conflicting and disheartening thoughts when the door opens and Jared steps into the room. They lock eyes briefly but Jared turns away with that same unreadable look in his eyes that Jensen has become so familiar with. He crosses the few feet it takes to reach his bed and throws his body down onto the mattress. Jensen keeps his gaze on his boyfriend, who has his eyes closed off from him, and he can see the tension in his boyfriend’s form as Jared lies rigidly on his back.

Without further hesitation, Jensen crosses the space between their beds and sits down awkwardly next to his boyfriend. Jared tenses immediately the moment Jensen’s hand makes contact with his forearm and his eyes snap open, looking at him guardedly.

“What’s going on, Jay?” Jensen asks on a sigh, eyes pleading. “Talk to me man.”

“There’s nothing to talk about, I’m fine,” Jared replies stubbornly, setting his jaw firmly and forcing his eyes away.

“Don’t give me that, I can see right through you,” Jensen chides lightly, though what he really wants to do is yell and scream out his frustration. “Besides, you told me something was bothering you already.”

“Yeah, and I specifically remember telling you that I’d come to you when I was ready to talk.” Jared practically growls as he wrenches Jensen’s hand off of his arm and rises from the bed, pacing the room like a caged animal with a wild look in his eyes.

“That was two months ago Jared!” Jensen exclaims in disbelief, standing up as well and facing his boyfriend determinedly. “I have tried to be patient and give you the space you asked for, but the more time I give you, the more you distance yourself from me. I can’t stand by and watch our relationship fade away anymore, I love you so damn much and this is killing me. Why can’t you just talk to me about this? Tell me what is bothering you; whatever it is we can deal with it together.”

Jared whirls around and Jensen jumps, startled, by the fierce glare directed solely at him. “I can’t deal with this shit from you right now. I told you I’d tell you when I was ready. Why do you have to keep pushing me?”

“Okay, fine, I don’t want to fight,” Jensen raises his hands in a sign of surrender and drops down onto his bed with a sigh, watching his boyfriend with pained eyes.

Jensen can see that anger is still dominating Jared’s mood but he can also detect a hint of guilt as well. Jared’s movements are weary as he takes a seat on his own bed and drops his face into his awaiting hands, running one through his hair.

Jensen watches his boyfriend hesitantly before even attempting to open his mouth. “What do ya say we go see a move tonight after I get off work? It’s been a while since we’ve done that.”

Jared raises his head a moment later and locks eyes with Jensen, looking for all the world like he wants to go out tonight, but, with a pinched expression, he shakes his head. “No, I have an early class tomorrow and I’ve been really tired all day. I’m just gonna crash early tonight.”

Jensen simply nods his head, having already expected this answer, though that doesn’t make it hurt any less. “Yeah, whatever, I need to head to work,” he says as he stands and walks into the bathroom before Jared can say a thing.

Once the door is closed behind him, he leans against it and slides down to the floor. He tightly closes his eyes against the sting of tears threatening to break past his barriers and takes a steadying breath. He tries to tell himself that everything is going to be alright, that one day in the future he will look back on this and laugh, but he isn’t so convinced.


September 19th, 2000

Walking alongside Chris and Steve, they enter Starbucks and give Chris their orders. Chris moves ahead of them to stand in line while Jensen and Steve find a window seat. Steve has been watching him closely all day, though he hasn’t said a word. Jensen knows that his friend can tell that there is something bothering him, and he realizes that he should probably get all of this off his chest, but he just doesn’t quite know what to say.

Besides, Jensen feels a little weird about talking about their problems with Chris and Steve because they were Jared’s friends first. He doesn’t necessarily have anything bad to say about his boyfriend, but he would be talking about the issues they are having and he doesn’t want to put Chris and Steve in any position where they might have to take sides; it just wouldn’t be fair. Not to mention he wouldn’t want to anger or upset Jared if they were to agree with Jensen. He doesn’t want to be the cause of any problems between Jared and his friends. It’s just not worth it, he decides resolutely.

Right at this moment Chris joins them at the table and passes them their drinks. Steve is still staring at him curiously, concerned, but Jensen just smiles slightly and looks away. He tries to wrack his brain for any subject of conversation that has nothing to do with his issues with Jared but he comes up empty handed.

Chris lets out a sigh and fixes a steady gaze on Jensen, one that tells Jensen not to bullshit him. “Okay son, I can’t take your pouty look any longer, what the hell is going on with you?”

Jensen’s mouth gapes open and places a sour frown on his lips. “I’m not pouting.”

“Dude, you’ve been pouting all day, don’t deny it,” Steve counters sternly, though his eyes and smile are soft and reassuring. “We can see that something’s bothering you, Jen. You can talk to us. Come on, tell us what’s going on?”

Jensen hesitates for a moment before letting out a sigh and shaking his head “Yeah, something is bothering me, but I don’t really want to talk about it.”

“That’s bullshit and we all know it,” Chris huffs with a firm stare. “I can tell that you’re just itching to get this off your chest, so why deny yourself? We’re sitting right here man, we’re willing to listen and help you in any way we can.”

“I don’t want to bring you into the middle of this, it wouldn’t be right or fair for either of you,” Jensen turns down their offer somewhat reluctantly. “Jared and I are having problems right now and it wouldn’t be fair to put you in that position.”

“Don’t even go there, you know better than that. We’re your friends just as much as we’re Jared’s,” Steve scolds him lightly, getting a nod of agreement from Chris. “We’re not the type of people to take sides, if Jared’s in the wrong or you are, we aren’t afraid to say so.”

“Yeah, man, we tell it like we see it. It doesn’t matter if we’ve known Jared longer than you, we still wouldn’t take his side if he’s in the wrong,” Chris reassures him in that annoyed fashion he has perfected. “Now tell us what the hell is going on before we beat it out of ya.”

Jensen smiles at that and shakes his head, quietly wondering how he ever managed to befriend such great people. “It’s just that I…,” he trails off on a sigh and looks up at his friends, eyes full of misery. “I think I’m losing him.”

Chris and Steve both have identical expressions of disbelief on their faces as they look at him like he has suddenly gone insane. “That’s crazy man, Jared’s the last person you could lose,” Chris says like he is stating the obvious.

Steve nods his head in agreement. “Yeah, I mean, Jared adores you.”

“You guys don’t get to see how he acts around me when no one else is around,” Jensen replies quietly, lowering his gaze to stare down at the table top. “He might be in the room with me but it’s like he’s not really there because I couldn’t feel more alone. Things are different now, he’s so distant.”

“Explain what you mean by he’s distant,” Steve urges, trying to understand. “How are things different between you now from how it was before?”

“Yeah, ‘cause I honestly don’t see anything off between you guys,” Chris says in an uncharacteristically soft tone of voice.

“It’s so many things,” Jensen sighs unhappily. “He won’t go anywhere with me anymore unless it’s with you guys, he barely talks to me anymore and is easily angered.”

“He’s still afraid of doing anything public with you, huh?” Steve more or less states with a sympathetic expression. “I’m guessing he still hasn’t told his family about you either.”

“Yeah, he’s still freaked out about it. But I’m pretty much used to it. Not that I want to be, but I’ve come to expect that from him. So, no, that’s not what’s upsetting me at the moment. Something’s bothering him and he won’t talk to me about it. He’s been this way for a little over two months now and he still refuses to talk to me about it. I finally brought it up a couple of days ago and he got pissed, so I know better than to say anything now.”

Chris and Steve both seem surprised by what they are hearing and obviously don’t know what to say because they keep opening their mouths only to close them a second later. Jensen can tell even they are baffled by Jared’s behavior. Jared is usually happier and more cheerful than he has been lately, and he doesn’t usually yell at Jensen

“Do you have any idea what might be going on with him?” Steve asks softly.

“All I know is he gets worse after he receives a phone call from home,” Jensen admits finally, even to himself. “I think he might be having issues with his sexuality and the fact that he is in a relationship with a guy for the first time. I don’t know for sure since he won‘t talk to me about it, but I’m beginning to think that’s the problem.”

“There’s something else bothering you too; I can read it clearly on your face,” Chris says, eyeing Jensen closely.

Jensen flushes at this and turns his head away, staring outside the window. “Yeah, he also… erm, he also hasn’t…” Jensen takes a deep breath, feeling awkward, and just blurts out the rest of his sentence, “He hasn’t touched me in two months.”

Jensen turns a deep shade of crimson as soon as these words are out in the open and glances at his friends to see their reaction. They both are smirking at his obvious discomfort but their expressions also hold some sympathy. Jensen releases a soft sigh and reluctantly turns to face them once again once his embarrassment ebbs away a little.

“It’s not just that though. I mean, he will hardly even kiss me now unless he has to. It’s like he’s avoiding all contact with me, even the simple kind. It feels like it’s become a chore he’s loathe to do and tries to avoid at all costs. It’s something he will do, reluctantly.” Jensen says softly, tangible sorrow playing on his features. “I can’t help feeling as though he’s falling out of love with me. I mean, can you blame me?”

Without waiting for any kind of response from his friends, Jensen picks up his cup of coffee and heads out of Starbucks. They had decided to go see Jared at his work, and this excuse helps Jensen get away from the conversation he has no will to continue. He is really quite tired of thinking about it, much less talking about it. It was really doing nothing for him besides putting him in a more depressed mood than he was already in. Sometimes talking about your problems doesn’t help the way it’s supposed to, sometimes it only makes it worse.

“Maybe you should try talking to Jared,” Steve suggests once he and Chris catch up with Jensen.

“I tried that already, remember? It only managed to piss him off, I don’t want to go through that again, it’ll just lead to another argument,” Jensen grumbles as they walk briskly down the sidewalk.

“Well, this time you should explain how all of this is making you feel. Tell him how worried you are and that you feel like you’re losing him. Maybe he’ll be more willing to share his problems with you when he knows how much this is hurting you,” Steve explains, making more sense to Jensen than he wants to admit.

In all honesty, he is afraid that it won’t matter to Jared. It would kill him to be turned away even after explaining his fears and how much he is being hurt by Jared’s actions. He is afraid to know if Jared really is falling out of love with him, and really, what more proof would he need if Jared turned him away after pouring his heart out to him?

The walk to Providence Books is done in silence and soon enough they arrive at their destination. A knot forms in the pit of Jensen’s stomach the moment his eyes land on Jared, whom is standing behind the counter. He lets out a sigh when Jared tenses at the sight of them, even though he is trying to appear casual, forcing a tight smile on his face.

Jensen glances at his friends to see them watching Jared in surprise and concern, finally seeing something off about their friend. Usually Jared is better at hiding all his tension and discomfort, but today even Chris and Steve can see how forced the smile on his face is. Jensen tries not to let his boyfriend’s reaction discourage him, but, like always, his mood quickly becomes dampened. It’s like he doesn’t even like seeing me around anymore, he realizes solemnly. I don’t even feel welcome here like I used to.

Jensen tries not to display his emotions on his face as they make their way over to the front counter, smiling softly at the man he loves. Jared returns the smile, strained as usual, and grabs some books from behind the counter.

“What are you guys up to today?” Jared asks for the sake of conversation, trying to avoid Jensen’s eyes without making it too obvious.

“Just came from Starbucks. Decided to get Jenny off campus for a while, thought we’d come by and see our favorite gentle giant,” Chris answers, smirking at Jared in that teasing way of his.

“Are any of you gonna ever get tired of the whole ‘gentle giant’ crap?” Jared asks with a roll of his eyes.

“Would you rather have us call you Sasquatch?” Chris asks with a smirk full of smug satisfaction.

“Okay, I realize this argument is pointless, you’re just gonna keep calling me that anyway, so I’m not gonna even attempt to answer that,” Jared laughs despite how serious he is. “I have to go put these books away, they just arrived. I’ll be right back.”

Jared picks up the books and heads down one of the aisles, Jensen watching him as he walks away. Not allowing himself to hesitate, Jensen follows his boyfriend and steps up beside Jared as he places a couple of books on the shelf. Jared turns weary eyes on Jensen and simply watches him carefully for a moment. Jensen tries to smile but it comes out soft and unsure.

He knows it is probably pointless but he is going to ask one more time if Jared wants to go out and do something. He can’t help it, part of him is hoping his boyfriend will break down one of these times and agree to go out, alone. He realizes he probably shouldn’t hope for such things, will only be let down in the end, but he is too stubborn for his own good. He is missing Jared terribly and is doing everything he can possibly think of to keep him from slipping away.

“So, I was thinking, we should go out to eat dinner tonight instead of bringing take out back to the room,” Jensen says after a moment of silence and then holds his breath nervously.

The expression on Jared’s face is pinched before he turns his head away and refuses to look back. “I don’t really feel like it, I just wanna go back to the room after work and relax.”

“You could relax at a restaurant too, we’d only be gone for an hour or an hour and a half tops.” Jensen tries to convince him, attempting to lock eyes with Jared and failing miserably.

“I don’t want to Jen, okay… we can go out to eat another time.” Jared responds with a sigh, an edge of frustration in his voice.

“Yeah, as usual, another time,” Jensen doesn’t even try to hide the anger and defeat in his tone. “Don’t worry Jay, it… it doesn‘t really matter.”

Jared calls out to him, tries to placate him with meaningless words, but Jensen doesn’t listen this time as he turns away and walks out of the store. He knew his boyfriend was going to shoot him down, he always does these days, but that doesn’t take the pain away. He has decided that he isn’t going to try anymore though, he just doesn’t see the point in it.


“Wow, you have just been a ray of sunshine today, Jen,” Sophia says sarcastically, walking by his side as they exit the campus library.

“Sorry Soph, I just haven’t been in a very good mood.” Jensen apologizes softly, offering her a small smile that he suspects looks more miserable than reassuring

“Yeah, so I’ve noticed. You’ve been this way for a while now, only lately you’ve gotten worse,” she replies, staring at him intently with concern in her brown eyes. “What’s going on with you? Why are you so depressed all the time?”

“It’s nothing,” Jensen attempts to say but stops short when she glares at him. “Okay, it’s not nothing, but I just don’t feel like talking about it again. Nothing I do is making anything better and no one else can help either. I’m just tired of it all.”

“Nice way of being vague, Jen,” Sophia responds dryly. “Does this have anything to do with Jared?”

“Why do you ask?”

“The only person who can make you this miserable is him,” she answers like it is obvious. Which, okay, he can’t deny the truth in that.

“Okay, fine, it has everything to do with Jay. Just, please, don’t ask me to elaborate on what is going on between us because I really am tired of talking about it, much less thinking about it. We’re having problems, I can’t seem to fix it, end of story.”

She raises her hands in sign of surrender, eyes filled with sympathy. “Alright, I won’t pry. Just, come talk to me if you need to, you know I’m always here for you.”

Jensen finally turns his head to address her and smiles in gratitude. “Yeah, I know... thanks.”

She gives him a bright smile of her own, her whole face lighting up, then a brief hug before they split ways, heading to their separate dorm rooms. Jensen knows Jared will probably be there when he arrives and the knot of dread tightens in his stomach. Since when have I ever not wanted to see him? he silently questions, a blanket of misery covering him once more.

He can’t deny that seeing Jared doesn’t exactly please him right now, and not just because of what occurred earlier in the day at Providence Books. He can never tell what will greet him when he walks into the room. Jared will either be quiet and distant like he usually is or an argument will be awaiting him. It is always the same, Jensen has come to expect it.

Releasing a heavy sigh full of burden and internal hurt, Jensen steps up to the door to their dorm room and simply stands there for a moment. He isn’t quite sure he wants to be here right now, but he can’t avoid it forever either. Might as well get it over with, see what kind of mood he is in, he tells himself as he turns the knob and enters the room.

The moment Jensen steps into the room, however, he stops in his tracks and just stares in disbelief. He wills himself to come to terms with what he is witnessing in front of him, tries to understand, but all he can focus on is shock, anger, and then hurt. Jared tears his eyes away from Jensen’s but in that brief moment their eyes were locked Jensen saw sadness and guilt in his boyfriend’s eyes.

Jensen’s gaze moves from Jared’s face to the duffel bag spread open on the bed in front of his boyfriend and the clothes in Jared’s hands that he was placing in said bag before Jensen entered the room. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what is happening, is as easy as putting two and two together. Jensen can’t seem to move, is frozen in place, but he does manage to slam the door behind him.

Jared flinches at the harsh sound of the door slamming and simply lowers his head even further. Jensen doesn’t even know what to say. A large part of him wants to yell and scream, demand why. Something inside keeps telling him that he should have expected things to come to this, and while he may realize this, he still finds himself caught completely off guard. He keeps questioning ‘why’ inside his head over and over, time and time again. Why would Jared do this to him?

Finally regaining control over his feet, Jensen doesn’t step closer to Jared like he expected himself to do, instead he moves over to the space between the beds. He paces a few times, completely beside himself and not knowing what to think or even say, and then he stops and turns to face his boyfriend. There are so many questions going through his mind right now, all of which he is sure are displayed on his face.

Jared turns his face away once more, seemingly unable to face what he has brought on himself, and stares down at the clothes in his hands as though they hold all the answers. Jensen huffs in irritation, the first sound he has made since entering the room, and quickly snatches the clothes out of Jared’s hands. The younger man’s head snaps up to look at Jensen willingly for the first time and Jensen wants to laugh incredulously at the sadness and guilt he finds in those deep hazel eyes. The guilt he can understand, but Jared is packing his things willingly and has obviously thought everything out thoroughly, so what right does he have to look so sad?

Jensen waves the clothes in his hand around viciously while gesturing at the duffel bag and all of Jared’s other possessions that lie on the bed. “What the hell is all this?” Jensen asks, holding onto his anger because he can’t handle it along with the bone deep pain right now that is threatening to consume him.

Jared opens his mouth only to close it a moment later, repeating this action many times before he bows his head and releases a heavy sigh. “I’m sorry Jen, I know it was fucked up of me to try and pack everything before you got home.”

“You know, I don’t even care about that right now. What I want to know is why you’re packing all your shit up, I want to hear the words from your mouth ‘cause I believe I at least deserve to hear you break up with me!” Jensen all but screams, which is something he doesn’t usually do, is actually very uncharacteristic of him.

Jared looks like he is about to cry any minute, tears brimming his eyes, but Jensen can’t bring himself to care right now. He is the one who has the right to be hurt at the moment after all. He is the one being dumped, he is the one getting his heart broken. If anyone has the right to cry it would be him. He refuses to do that though; he’ll be damned before he allows Jared to witness one tear slide down his cheek.

“I love you Jen, I truly do, I just… I can’t do this anymore. You deserve better than me, you deserve someone who is willing to be seen with you in public, who will introduce you to his family without shame and fear of his own sexuality. I wanted to be that person for you, I tried so hard to be that person, but I just can’t be,” Jared says softly, looking into Jensen’s eyes and willing him to understand. “The last thing I wanted to do was hurt you, but I know that I did and I’m so sorry for that.”

“Why are you doing this to me?” All traces of anger vanish and Jensen is left open and vulnerable, falling back onto his bed and placing his head in his hands. The sting of tears pisses him off as much as the grip of sorrow around his heart does. Nothing he can think to do can ward the pain off, however, and he is left a broken, bleeding mess for Jared to see.

Jared moves around the bed to sit down facing Jensen, running a hand through his hair, disheveling it. “For the past two months all I could think about was how to break the news to my family, tell them that I’m bi and in love with my very male roommate. Every time I talked to my mom though, and she asked me if I was seeing a nice girl yet… I just couldn’t do it. I knew it’d tear her apart and I didn’t want to disappoint her like that. She wants me to settle down with a down-to-earth girl and start a family, give her a couple of grandkids. Hell, my whole family wants that. All I kept imagining was my family reacting the way that yours did, disowning me, and the thought killed me, still does. I just can’t do that Jen, I can’t lose them.”

Jensen doesn’t even know what to say, all words are evading him at the moment. He doesn’t know what he would say even if he could find the words. His whole world is crashing down around him, broken shards landing at his feet, and he is helpless to stop it. He can’t believe his boyfriend is doing this; his heart isn’t ready to come to terms with the fact that Jared doesn’t want its love anymore. He needs Jared, doesn’t know how to live without him, but he doesn’t know how to make him stay either.

“So this is really it, our relationship is over just like that?” Jensen knows he sounds pathetic, practically whimpering with an undertone of pleading for Jared to change his mind, but he can’t help it. “You’re just gonna throw everything we have away? Gonna find yourself some girl you’re not gonna be happy with just to please your family?”

“I could be happy, eventually. It’ll take time, a lot of it in fact, but one day I’ll be happy. So will you, I know you’ll move on. You don’t need me Jen, you’ll find someone better than me.”

“What if I don’t want someone else?” Jensen asks, voice broken and pain shining through. “I only want you Jared, I don’t wanna have to let you go.”

Jared’s face is pinched once again, pain registering loud and clear, but Jensen can tell he has made up his mind. “I’m moving in with Chris and Steve, they’re letting me stay in their guest room until I find my own place. I really want us to stay friends, Jen.”

Jensen takes a shuddering breath and whispers, “Don’t call me Jen, you don’t get to use such endearments anymore, from now on it’s strictly Jensen.”

The expression on Jared’s face is full of hurt with a hint of regret hiding behind his eyes but Jensen doesn’t take it back, he can’t bear hearing Jared call him Jen anymore because that simple use of a nickname meant far too much to him. His heart is already bleeding in his chest, damaged and possibly irreparable, one small thing could be the killing blow.

I can’t stay here, I have to get away, his frantic mind screams as the urge to breakdown becomes stronger and stronger by the second. He can’t bear to look at Jared right now, all he can think about is the good times they had and it is killing him to acknowledge the fact that it is all over.

Jensen rises without a word and moves toward the door, refusing to glance back at the tearful man behind him. All he can think about is escaping, getting away from the source of the pain searing through his soul.

Jared’s voice is soft and stops Jensen in his tracks. He reluctantly turns around to face his now ex-boyfriend. Jensen just stares at him for a long moment, eyes glaring a mixture of emotions at the younger man sitting slumped over on his bed, but hurt and defeat override them all.

“I’m sorry Jensen, I’m so sorry,” Jared says with a trembling lower lip.

Jensen releases a laugh devoid of all humor, making Jared wince. “It’s too late for that; your words mean nothing to me at the moment.”

The moment Jensen walks away tears spill from Jared’s eyes and slide down his face, but Jensen just shuts the door on him and walks numbly down the hall. His once bright green eyes are now dulled by deep anguish and heartbreak.

Once he is a fair distance away he is unable to hold back his tears any longer and he collapses to the floor, leaning his trembling body against the wall as sobs wrack his slender frame. He wraps his arms around himself, looking so lost and broken in his despair that the sight of him would bring tears to even a stranger's eyes.

It's everything you wanted, it's everything you don't
It's one door swinging open and one door swinging closed
Some prayers find an answer, some prayers never know
We're holding on, and letting go


Holding On And Letting Go - by Ross Copperman
Mood: calmcalm
Music: Lana Del Rey