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20 February 2014 @ 05:51 pm
Hands of Fate: Chapter Nineteen  
Title: Caught in the Hands of Fate
Author: fadedsparks
Beta: lunadragonx
Art: trueshellz
Fandom: RPS
Pairing: Jensen/Jared
Rated: R, with NC-17 in later chapters
Genre: AU, Angst, Romance
Disclaimer: This isn't meant to offend anyone and I am making no profit from it.
Warnings: Violence and Homophobia. Also, Jensen and Jared are the same age in this story.
Summary: Jensen has had his share of ups and downs, but he pushes forward and tries not to take life for granted. Starting college in California seems like the right choice for him, and everything is going better than he imagined it would. However, fate can be a tricky thing sometimes.

Chapter Nineteen:
All I Ask of You

January 3rd, 2001

The light pressure on his hip is unmistakable and he opens his eyes to find Jared smiling down at him. In Jensen’s opinion, that is a good sight to be greeted by first thing in the morning, even though he’s a little cranky about being up so early. Jared is sitting next to him in a rumpled pair of navy blue boxers, a threadbare t-shirt, and is currently sporting a bad case of bed head but Jensen still finds him gorgeous. He also has to admit that he likes the fact that the goofy grin on Jared’s face is all for him.

Feeling too cozy beneath the blankets and unwilling to move just yet, Jensen grabs Jared’s hand and tugs him down so he is lying next to him. Jared chuckles lightly at the unexpected move but doesn’t complain. Jensen is tempted to grouch at Jared for waking him up at this ungodly hour but he just doesn’t have the heart for it, not with the way his boyfriend’s smiling at him. Instead he entwines their fingers and snuggles into the warmth of Jared’s body, sighing in contentment.

All is quiet at this early hour of the morning, telling Jensen that the rest of Jared’s family is still fast asleep. That would explain Jared’s acceptance of the position they are currently in, because if his parents were awake he would be too cautious and would never boldly embrace Jensen the way that he is right now. He’d be too afraid of being caught. Jared still hasn’t told his family about them and he hasn’t even brought up the issue with Jensen, so Jensen has no idea when Jared plans on telling them.

To be honest, Jensen’s beginning to wonder if Jared even will. He won’t be upset if Jared is having doubts, he knows how scary it is to tell your parents something like this, but he does wish Jared would clue him in on his plans just so he wouldn’t have to wonder anymore. Seriously, if Jared needs more time, then that’s totally fine with Jensen, he just hopes Jared knows he isn’t expecting this of him. This had been Jared’s idea after all, not his. Sure, he’ll be a little disappointed if Jared backs out now, but that doesn’t mean he won’t understand.

I hope he doesn’t feel like I’m pressuring him into this, Jensen worries silently, biting his lip in thought. He decides not to bring it up to Jared just yet, figuring it’d be best to let his boyfriend enjoy his visit with his family and then bring up the subject when they have some privacy, preferably away from the house and in the clear of being overheard.

The tightening of Jared’s embrace brings Jensen out of his thoughts and he looks up to find Jared’s hazel eyes watching him intently, silently curious about what was on Jensen’s mind. Jensen just smiles and gives him a slight shake of his head, letting him know it isn’t important. Jared gives him a weird look, obviously unsure if he should believe him or not, but then he just shrugs it off with a smile.

Finding no reason not to take advantage of the situation and Jared’s willingness, Jensen draws him closer and takes possession of his lips. Jared’s mouth opens beneath his, pliant and eager, and Jensen immediately delves inside. A nearly inaudible moan escapes his throat when their tongues meet and twine, caressing in a sensual massage that makes him tremble and has the potential to leave Jensen breathless.

With a large palm splayed out across Jensen’s chest, Jared gently guides him down onto his back and promptly covers his body like a warm blanket. Jensen wraps his arms around Jared’s waist, dragging his hands up the back of Jared’s shirt and caressing soft skin. He more than willingly allows his boyfriend to take control of the kiss, giving his mouth over to Jared to do with what he will.

Jensen draws his legs up, bent at the knee with his feet planted firmly on the bed, and spreads his legs to accommodate Jared who fits between them like he was made for it. Jared deepens the kiss, pressing Jensen’s head into the pillow, nipping and sucking at his swollen bottom lip. When Jared grinds down against him Jensen cants his hips for more friction, his dick already half hard and growing firmer with every gyration of Jared’s hips.

Jared pulls out of the kiss just as suddenly as he had deepened it, forcing a groan of disappointment from Jensen, and he grins mischievously. “Think you can be quiet?” he asks, voice husky and raw as a finger dips beneath the elastic of Jensen’s boxer-briefs and caresses the skin of his lower abdomen teasingly.

Jensen can’t seem to find his voice right now, but that’s alright because he believes words would elude him even if he were to try. The only form of an answer he can provide is a nod of his head, feeling anticipation coiling in the pit of his stomach. His breath catches in his throat and he unconsciously holds it there as Jared draws his underwear over his hips and down to his lower thighs, bunching them at his knees.

He watches dazedly as Jared crawls down the length of his body, placing wet kisses here and there as he goes, stopping once he reaches his intended destination. He removes Jensen’s boxer-briefs completely before turning his attention to Jensen’s erect cock, already leaking pre-come. Heat pours from his eyes as he locks them with Jensen’s just as he runs his tongue over the slit, lapping at the fluid found there.

Jensen’s eyes threaten to roll up into his head at the sensation and he has to bite his lip to keep a moan from escaping. The expression on Jared’s face is smug and Jensen wants to retort with something witty, but before he gets the chance Jared’s taking him into his mouth and consequently all thoughts evaporate from Jensen’s mind. The urge to push up into that moist heat is beyond tempting but Jensen manages to maintain his self-control for the moment, fisting his hands in the sheets and trembling with the effort to keep his hips still.

Jared swirls his tongue around the head, dipping inside the slit once, before sliding his mouth down the length of Jensen’s dick at an excruciatingly slow pace. He stops when he can go no further and then slides back up until just the head remains in his mouth. With a smirk in his eyes, Jared slides back down and picks up a steady rhythm and Jensen has to bring his hand up to his mouth to smother any and all sounds coming from deep within his throat.

Jensen’s breathing gradually becomes uneven and breathy as Jared quickens his speed, head bobbing up and down, hair falling into his eyes. Jared makes the perfect picture of a wet dream come to life and Jensen feels mesmerized as he stares at him, nestled comfortably between his legs. The dirty slurping noises that are coming from Jared are enough of a turn on for Jensen, but add the sensation of Jared’s sinful mouth and it is like he is on sensory overload.

Jensen bites into the skin of his palm when Jared hums around his cock, sending spikes of pleasure up his spine, but it doesn’t seem to help. Though the sound is muffled it feels magnified in the otherwise quiet room and Jensen knows he won’t be able to stay quiet for much longer. Moans are begging to be set free, growing more and more demanding as Jared continues his torturous pleasure, and Jensen knows his resolve to hold them back is breaking.

When Jared hollows out his cheeks and begins sucking harder Jensen knows he is screwed, so he grabs the pillow from behind his head and smashes it into his face. He still tries to be quiet but moans start to slip out and a low keen is unexpectedly drawn out of him. The pillow muffles all of his noises better than his hand did though, and for that he is grateful.

Jensen is thankful for the hand on his hip holding him down because when Jared takes him deep into his throat all control over his body flies out the window. He jumps slightly, startled, when a wet finger traces his entrance and he finds himself unconsciously pressing down onto said finger eagerly. Jared chuckles slightly around the cock in his mouth, which Jensen is surprised he can pull off, but that thought becomes insignificant when Jared’s finger slides inside his body.

Jensen can feel his orgasm building and it almost disappoints him, despite how desperately he craves his release. He doesn’t quite want it to end yet, wants it to last just a little longer, but the familiar warning tingles all over his body tell him that isn’t going to be an option soon. Jared’s finger pushes in and out, delving deeper inside with each thrust, and his mouth is like a frickin’ Hoover vacuum. When Jared’s finger finds his prostate and presses against it time and time again it is all over for Jensen and he comes with a hoarse cry, muffled by the pillow he’s biting into.

Jared drinks him down the best he can but some still manages to dribble down his chin. Jensen tosses the pillow off his face with what little strength he has left and simply lays there panting, completely fucked out. Jared’s eyes never leave Jensen’s as he wipes up the come on his chin with his finger, cleaning it off with his tongue, licking and sucking his finger like he has whipped cream on it, moaning softly. Jared chuckles happily when Jensen throws an arm over his eyes and groans at the sight of it.

The bed bounces a bit, headboard hitting the wall lightly, as Jared drops down beside him. Jensen removes his arm from his eyes and lazily tosses his head to the side to find Jared staring at him with a soft, affectionate smile on his face. Jensen somehow finds the strength to at least return the smile, though he believes it probably looks more satiated than adoring, but it doesn’t really matter. Jared’s left hand is idly tracing circles into the skin of his stomach and it makes Jensen shiver.

“My God, I think you may have killed me,” Jensen breathes out with a surprised chuckle, limbs feeling heavy and immobile. “It might take a while for me to get my equilibrium back.”

“That just means I did a great fuckin’ job then. Never let it be said that Jared Padalecki doesn’t give amazing head,” Jared says smugly, though there is a hint of pride hidden in his tone that tells Jensen he is pleased.

“Never gonna hear a complaint outta me,” Jensen says as he closes his eyes and smiles, basking in the afterglow and enjoying the warmth radiating off of his boyfriend.

“I’m glad you liked it,” Jared whispers, hot breath washing over Jensen’s ear and causing a shiver to run down the length of his spine. “I do believe I found a way to wake you up and avoid that grumpy mood you’re so well known for.”

A soft laugh escapes Jensen’s lips when he hears this and he weakly swats at Jared’s arm. “Be nice or I may just show you how grumpy I can still be.”

“But, you see, I have a remedy for that too. I have coffee brewing in the kitchen, I’ll just go grab you a cup if you decide to be grumpy with me and it’ll knock that mood right outta ya.” Jared responds with a megawatt grin that has Jensen rolling his eyes before closing them again.

Jensen decides not to respond to that, instead humming contentedly as he snuggles further into Jared’s embrace and that is when he takes notice of the erection poking him in his thigh. Jared moans softly at the unintended friction on his aching cock and Jensen opens his eyes once more.

“Need a little help with that?” Jensen asks huskily, giving Jared a leer.

“You don’t have to.” Jared tries to say but Jensen’s having none of it. He wants to make Jared feel as good as Jared made him feel. Besides, it’s only fair that he returns the favor after all.

Jensen shushes him lightly as his palm comes to rest on Jared’s chest and slowly descends downwards, caressing him gently through the fabric of his tee. Jared trembles slightly whenever Jensen’s fingers find an erogenous zone and he sucks in a breath when Jensen’s hand slips beneath his boxers. Jensen smirks to himself as he traces the skin above the place Jared wants his hand most, teasing the shaggy-haired man knowingly and relishing the growl of frustration he receives for it.

Deciding to take pity on the clearly strung out man, Jensen takes hold of Jared’s length and runs his thumb over the tip, forcing Jared to hiss through his clenched teeth. Jared’s dick feels hot and heavy in the palm of his hand and Jensen revels in the silky smoothness of the skin. His index finger traces the vein popping out before taking Jared firmly in his hand and giving him an experimental tug. Jared’s eyes slide closed of their own accord and a soft whiny moan leaves his lips.

This response encourages Jensen, so he spreads Jared’s pre-come along his length and begins stroking him in earnest. Jared scrambles out of his boxers, not too keen on the idea of coming in them, and he's clearly fighting the urge to make any noise. His eyes are clenched tightly shut as his chest heaves with the pleasure he is experiencing and the exertion to remain quiet. Jensen doesn’t let up on the pace of his strokes though, if anything he increases the speed.

He knows it won’t take long for Jared to lose it completely; he was pretty far gone to begin with, and neither of them are too sure how long they have before Jared’s family wake up. Jensen’s determined to make this as good as he can for his boyfriend though, using every technique he has learned and putting them to good use. On an up-twist of Jensen’s wrist Jared slips up and a guttural moan leaves his lips before he can even attempt to stop it. He slaps a hand over his mouth in the middle of it and Jensen can’t help smiling, feeling pretty damn pleased with himself.

Jared draws in a shuddering breath as Jensen’s lips attach themselves to the side of his neck, nipping at the skin found there and soothing it over with wet tongue and gentle kisses. Jensen keeps up his pace on Jared’s dick as he sucks a bruise into the junction of Jared’s shoulder and neck, leaving his mark behind.

Jensen is a bit startled when Jared suddenly pulls him away from his neck and smashes their lips together with fervor. The action is welcomed though, and Jensen opens his mouth wider, inviting Jared inside. They kiss heatedly for a few seconds, Jensen’s hand steadily bringing Jared closer to his climax, and then Jared tenses and spills over Jensen’s hand, moaning into his mouth.

Jensen strokes him through it, gentle pulls against overly sensitive skin, and then Jared pushes his hand away when it becomes too much. Jensen pulls away from his lover’s lips to gauge the blissful expression on Jared’s face, pleased that he could put it there. Jared lies there with his eyes closed, panting harshly, but the expression on his face is one of pure contentment. Jensen decides then and there that it is a look he definitely likes seeing on the man and he wouldn’t mind seeing it more often.

Eventually Jared opens his eyes and his breathing regulates itself. The smile on his face is one of pure bliss, partly affectionate and partly dazed. Jensen pulls his boxers up for him, seeing as he might not have the strength for it at the moment, and then he fixes his own underwear before lying down once more. Jared slings an arm around his waist lethargically when Jensen snuggles into his side, resting his head against his shoulder.

“Man, I’ve missed that,” Jared speaks after a moment of silence. “Never realized how much until just now.”

“I know what you mean… I’ve missed being with you like this too.” Jensen whispers, anything louder seeming inappropriate for the moment.

“I’ve missed you, Jen,” Jared tells him softly, eyes intense and sincere with a twinge of remaining guilt. “I don’t know what I would’ve done if you hadn’t given me a second chance. Now that I’ve had you I can’t imagine my life without you.”

“Well, you have me Jay, you don’t have to wonder what it’d be like if you didn’t. I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere. You just have to believe that and try to let go of the past, otherwise we’ll never be able to move forward.” Jensen entwines their fingers as he speaks, voice soft but strong.

“I know you’re right… it’s just hard, ya know? I know you’ve forgiven me but it’s kinda hard for me to forgive myself.”

“I know, and I can understand that, but I don’t want this hanging over our heads forever. So, can you at least try… for me?”

Jared is silent for a long moment as he stares at Jensen, looking into his eyes and taking in his every feature like he is trying to embed it in his memory, and then he gives a slow nod of his head. “Yeah, I think I can try, for you,” Jared whispers, warm breath caressing Jensen’s lips, their mouths close enough for their lips to almost brush against each other. “I love you, Jen.”

“I love you too.” Jensen responds immediately, no hesitation to be found, just complete and total honesty.

Jared closes the mere inch between them and pulls him into a kiss, tender yet passionate at the same time. Jensen responds instantly, their lips moving against one another’s languidly and lazily but it couldn’t be more perfect. In the history of their kisses this isn’t the best, too lazy and not enough energy, but it’s one they both will remember because it is comfortable and familiar and there is more meaning behind it than a passionate kiss could ever hold.

After a moment Jared pulls back, albeit reluctantly, and gives Jensen a regretful smile. “I should get back up to my room now and change before anyone wakes up and finds us.”

“Yeah, yeah okay.” Jensen can’t keep a touch of disappointment out of his voice, reluctant to lose Jared’s comforting embrace, but this is the first time he’s spent any true quality time with his boyfriend since they arrived and he isn’t about to let anything ruin it.

“Don’t forget we told Megan we’d go to the mall with her today. I know my sister pretty well, she’ll want to go as soon as we’re finished with breakfast,” Jared says as he climbs off the bed, movements sluggish.

“Alright, I’ll get dressed and meet you in the kitchen.”

Jared nods his head before unlocking the door and quietly slipping from the room. Jensen watches him until the door closes behind him and then he flops back down, staring up at the ceiling with a goofy smile plastered on his face.


Jensen follows Jared and his sister from store to store, quiet for the most part but joining the conversation when it is required of him or whenever he can think of something to say. Mostly he just enjoys watching Jared interact with his sister, reminding him of himself and his own sister.

Megan leads them into a bargain store aptly called The Bargain Bin and proceeds to show Jared all these trinkets and jewelry she’s thinking about buying for her friends as late Christmas gifts. Jensen browses through various articles of jewelry with little interest, mainly just busying himself until Megan is ready to leave this store behind and drag them to another one.

He stops, however, when an angel necklace catches his eye. It is rather simple, silver and shiny, on a short length chain. There is nothing particularly special about it but for some reason he can’t help but think of his sister the moment he sees it. He can see Mack wearing something like this and he takes a moment to contemplate buying it for her. Simple jewelry, such as this necklace, mean the most to his sister and he knew it would bring a smile to her face to receive it.

Mind made up, he takes the necklace off the rack and holds it loosely in his fist as he pulls his wallet out of his back pocket. Jared approaches him at a casual pace, eyebrows furrowing when he sees the necklace in his hand. Jensen lets out a silent sigh as he waits for the mocking to begin, and he isn’t disappointed.

“An angel, huh? Not the type of necklace I’d expect a guy to wear willingly but then again you’ve always been a little different. I’m sure it’d look pretty on you, Jen,” Jared comments with a smirk, eyes full of mirth.

“It’s not for me, jackass,” Jensen huffs without any real heat to back it up as he approaches the front counter and places his purchase down for the clerk to ring up. “It’s for my sister. Do you think she’ll like it?”

“Aw, you’re buying your sister a necklace, for no reason other than you think she’d like it?” Megan gushes, making Jensen flush and hide his face. “That’s really sweet, Jensen. I’ve never met her but I’m sure she’s gonna love it. I know I would.”

Jensen can’t help but snicker softly to himself when Megan suddenly turns to Jared and smacks his arm, hard. “Why don’t you ever do something nice like that for me?”

Jared scowls as he rubs his arm, exaggerating just a bit. “Jeez Jen, you’re making me look bad here man,” He laughs softly before turning to his sister once more. “And I don’t buy things like that for you ‘cause you’re a pain in my ass on the best of days and in no way deserve gifts from an awesome older brother.”

“Awesome, my ass,” Megan mumbles under her breath as she stalks away from them and Jensen can’t help but chuckle lightly at their easy banter. They really are quite entertaining to him, there is definitely never a dull moment with them around.

“What are you giggling about?” Jared grumbles moodily, though Jensen can tell he’s not really upset.

“Shut up dude, I don’t giggle.” Jensen responds with a roll of his eyes as he pays the clerk and then heads in the direction Megan took off in. They find her just outside of the store, leaning against the railing, waiting for them.

“Whatever man, I’ve heard more giggles out of your mouth than actual laughs.” Jared replies with a hearty laugh that has Jensen’s lips lowering in a pout. Jared just laughs again, comments on how he does it better, and then ducks out of the way of Jensen’s fist.

“You guys ready to head to the food court for some lunch?” Megan asks, pushing away from the railing when they reach her.

Jensen‘s stomach growls at the idea, which has Megan smiling at him in amusement. “Food sounds good to me,” he says with a light laugh, cheeks hot with embarrassment.

“Ooh, candy!” Jared suddenly exclaims enthusiastically before sprinting away from them into the Sweets Factory. Megan and Jensen share an eye roll, equal expressions of fondness on their faces, and then they leisurely follow Jared into the candy store.

By the time they catch up with the shaggy-haired man he already has his arms stuffed with various packages of candy. Jared grins brightly as he holds up a package of Sour Patch as well as gummy bears and chocolate covered raisins, looking so very much like a kid that Jensen can’t help but smile in a mixture of amusement and affection. Megan seems to share his sentiments because she doesn’t even attempt to mock Jared, opting for a shake of her head and a look of amusement instead.

Jared just grins once more, full of glee, before paying for his treats and then they head to the lower level of the mall and don’t stop until they hit the food court. It takes them all a moment to decide on where they want to eat, given there is such a large selection, and in the end they end up buying food from separate places. Jensen has a craving for pizza, while Jared wants Chinese and Megan heads off towards Burger King.

Megan gets her food first and uses her time finding them a table. Once Jensen receives his pizza he joins her at the table, sitting across from her. He takes a large swallow of his ice cold Coke before biting into his slice of sausage pizza. Food is always outrageously priced at malls so he settled with just a slice rather than the amount his appetite truly wanted. Megan wipes her mouth with a napkin before her attention settles on him.

“So, how is it that you got stuck being friends with my brother? He probably pushed himself on ya, didn’t he? He’s overly friendly like that, he just pushes his friendship on ya even if you don’t want it.” She laughs softly as she says this and it is easy for Jensen to detect the affection hiding within her tone.

“Yeah, he kind of took me under his wing when I got there. I’m grateful too, he made my whole college experience easier, ya know? I didn’t know anybody and was kinda awkward at first but he befriended me right away and made it all very comfortable.”

Megan smiles at this, nodding her head slightly. “Yep, that sounds like Jared. He’s a good guy, and he’ll be your friend for life, someone you can really count on. He really likes you, I can tell. Anyways, tell me a little about yourself. Jared said you’re from Texas too, was it hard for you to leave?” she asks with genuine curiosity.

Jensen shrugs a little while shifting uncomfortably in his seat. He still has a hard time talking about Texas, his home and his family. He has to wonder if that is ever going to change. “Sure it was, probably no more than expected though. I’d never been out of Texas before, so leaving was kind of scary, but I’m glad I left. California is great, feels more like home than I thought it would.”

“California seems awesome,” she says while nodding her head. “I’d never leave Texas, I love it here too much, but I’d like to come and visit Jared some time. Maybe I could save up my money and fly out there this summer, you and him could show me around.”

The hopeful tone in her voice puts a smile on his face and he finds himself nodding in assent. “No problem, if you come out I’d be more than happy to show you around and I’m sure the same could be said for Jared.”

“So, I know Jared keeps saying he isn’t looking for a relationship right now but what about you? Do you have a girlfriend waiting for you back in California, or maybe back home?” she asks with a blush staining her cheeks, but he has to give her credit, her eyes don’t stray from his.

Her question hits him like a punch to the gut though. Jared hasn’t told his family that Jensen is gay. He can understand Jared’s reluctance to tell them about his own sexuality but why wouldn’t he mention Jensen’s? What reason could he possibly have for neglecting to inform his family? Better yet, why didn’t he at least tell Jensen that he hasn’t told them? Jared knows how uncomfortable he gets when confronted with questions like this. Jensen doesn’t particularly like hiding his sexual preference, and he is very open about it, but he always finds it difficult telling someone when they’re asking if he has a girlfriend. It just makes it a very awkward moment and the stunned silence and uncomfortable facial expressions are inevitable.

Jensen had just assumed Jared had told his family about Jensen at least, if for nothing more than to make it easier on Jensen. But he had been wrong, Jared hadn’t said a word. Hurt stabs at Jensen’s heart. Why wouldn’t Jared tell them? Is he ashamed to have a gay friend?

Jensen smiles as best he can, though it feels wrong on his face, strained. “I don’t have time for a relationship right now. I’m really busy with either my studies or work. I’m not too worried about it though, I’ll find someone when the time is right.”

Jared joins them at the table before Megan can respond, so she smiles at him and turns to her brother, signaling the end of the conversation. Jensen is glad for that though, because he doesn’t know how much more of it he could have handled.

“Hey Jared, did I tell you about the talent show I’m gonna be in when school starts up again?” Megan starts a new conversation immediately, beaming happily at her brother.

“No, you didn’t. What are you gonna be doing?” Jared questions with genuine interest.

“I’m gonna be singing a duet with a friend of mine. I told you about Ryan, didn’t I?”

The conversation at the table drifts into the background as Jensen sits there quietly and silently ponders over this new development. He realizes he is probably reading too much into it, making a bigger deal out of it than he truly should be, but he can’t help wondering what it all means. Why wouldn’t Jared tell his family? Jensen just can’t wrap his head around it, can’t see what Jared could have possibly been thinking when he neglected to share this important information. Was it just because Jared thought his parents would look at Jensen differently or is he ashamed of him?


Jensen sits with his back resting against the headboard of the bed, a book lying open on his lap but he isn’t actually reading it. He can’t seem to focus on it long enough to take a word in. He knows he should probably put it away, but then that would take away the pretense that he is actually reading and then someone might ask him what is wrong. That is one conversation he really doesn’t want to have so he will gladly keep the book in his hands, even if just to keep people from asking any unwanted questions.

His mind has kind of been preoccupied ever since this afternoon after his brief conversation with Megan. The questions on his mind are endless and the answers too few. It will likely drive him crazy if he doesn’t bring the subject up with Jared but he doesn’t know if he wants to talk about this, can admit he is a little afraid to hear what Jared might have to say. Their relationship is still on pretty rocky ground, though things seemed to be looking up just a day ago. Now though, Jensen doesn’t know what to think. He doesn’t know where he stands with Jared, doesn’t know where Jared stands as far as their relationship is concerned, and it leaves him feeling a little lost.

He keeps telling himself that he is probably blowing this thing way out of proportion and that he should just let it go or talk to Jared if it is bothering him so much, but a little voice in his head says he has reason to be upset. It isn’t like Jared just forgot to mention something so significant, he knowingly withheld the information like it were something shameful and damn it Jensen wants to know why! He just wants to understand where his boyfriend was coming from when he decided not to tell them, needs reassurance that Jared isn’t ashamed of him.

All this has managed to do is place doubt in Jensen and he hates it. He doesn’t know if this relationship is going to work out, no matter how badly he wants it to. How could a relationship possibly work when Jared is ashamed of him and can’t handle his parents knowing Jensen is gay when he is supposedly only his friend? The chances seem very slim and that disheartens Jensen because although he has been on his guard as far as Jared is concerned, he has been silently, desperately hoping that their relationship would last a second time around. Now, however, he is beginning to think they are fooling themselves and it would hurt less to end it now before it gets any harder to let go.

Jensen jumps when the door flies open and Jared saunters in with a grin spread across his face from ear to ear. Jensen simply raises an eyebrow as his racing heartbeat slowly returns to normal. The hyper man drops down onto the bed, bouncing it, and leans against Jensen’s bent legs, his body heat seeping through Jensen’s jeans.

“Could you have made a more dramatic entrance, Jay?” Jensen teases half-heartedly, not really in the mood for his usual amusement.

“Probably,” Jared says this like he is contemplating it, “but I figured that might scare you away and that’s really the last thing I want to do.”

“I dunno, I’ve pretty much come to expect almost anything from you.”

“Keyword: almost… I’m sure I still have a few oddities up my sleeve that could frighten you and make you rethink your decision to have me as your boyfriend,” Jared says like this is something to be proud of and though Jensen wants to be gloomy and not respond to Jared’s unique sense of humor he can’t stop the smile that forms on his face.

“Highly doubt that would happen, Jay, but you’re welcome to try your worst if that’s what you want to do.” Jensen smirks with playful eyes trained on Jared’s.

“I’ll have to put a lot of thought into it, so give me a little time to come up with something,” Jared laughs softly as he rises from the bed and holds out his hand for Jensen to take. “For now why don’t you and I go for a walk? I want to show you something.”

Jensen allows himself to be hauled off the bed and slowly follows Jared out of the room. Jared leads him out the sliding glass door and down a well beaten path at the far end of the backyard. Jensen asks him where he is being taken but Jared just grins secretively and says he will see when they get there. All Jensen can do is shrug and follow his boyfriend down the dirt path surrounded by trees.

This is one thing Jensen likes about Jared’s family home; they live on the outskirts of San Antonio where it’s quiet and quite secluded. Sure, they have neighbors, but the houses on this street are decently spread apart and you have your space to live comfortably. Jensen wouldn’t mind living on a street just like this one. His home in Richardson is on a quiet street as well, but the houses are mere feet away from each other and you don’t have any privacy or space there like you do here. He loves his home back there, of course, but the land here is farm land and it is peaceful and Jensen really likes it.

Jared leads him through an alcove of bushes, which is a tight fit, and they find themselves on the bank of a small stream. This was the last thing Jensen was expecting to see here, but it is a pleasant surprise. As well hidden as it is one would never know it was here. The sound of steadily moving water is calming and the whole atmosphere is peaceful.

“I used to come here all the time when I was younger. I’d come here whenever I needed to think or just wanted to be alone. I don’t think anyone else knows it’s here, I never saw anyone else when I came here,” Jared whispers as he wraps his arms around Jensen from behind, locking him securely in place and Jensen leans back into the embrace.

“It’s really nice here, really quiet,” Jensen breathes softly as he closes his eyes and lets the sound of running water and rustling leaves wash over him. “Thanks for bringing me here.”

Jensen can feel Jared shrug nonchalantly, probably blushing right now. “This place was always mine growing up, my secret hideaway, and… I just wanted to share it with you,” he says quietly as he places a soft kiss to the side of Jensen’s warm neck.

“Megan asked me if I had a girlfriend. Why haven’t you told your family that I’m gay?” Jensen asks and wants nothing more than to smack himself once the words are out. He hadn’t meant to bring it up like that, and he especially didn’t want to ruin the moment with it either. It just kind of came out without him even realizing what he was saying, and now there is nothing he can do to take it back.

Jared stiffens behind him momentarily before relaxing and letting out a sigh, a breath of warm air hitting the skin behind Jensen’s ear and making him shiver slightly. Jared moves away from him and Jensen instantly feels the absence of his warmth. He doesn’t attempt to change the subject though, because the question is out now and neither of them will be able to avoid it that easily. It is something that is truly upsetting Jensen and they both know it; it will just come up in conversation later if they don’t deal with it now.

“I just… it hadn’t come up and I didn’t know how to bring it up and… it just didn’t seem like that big a deal.” Jared shrugs as he tries to explain, scratching at the back of his neck needlessly, but Jensen can’t look past the guilty expression on Jared’s face.

“Is that all? You just didn’t know how to bring it up? Are you sure that’s the only reason?” Jensen asks with a tilt of his head, feeling his heart clench in his chest when Jared looks away from him and takes a step toward the stream.

“I didn’t know how they’d react…” Jared trails off, errantly kicking at the ground uncomfortably.

“So they don’t know about Chris and Steve either? Don’t know that you have other gay friends besides, apparently, me?”

“No, they don’t…”

“So you were protecting me from their judgment? You didn’t want them looking at me differently or something? If that’s the case then I appreciate you trying to protect me but you really didn’t have to. I’m used to people being awkward around me because of my sexual preference, but you know I’d rather have them look at me like I’m some freak than have to pretend to be something I’m not,” Jensen tells him with a firm voice, wanting so badly to believe this was Jared’s reason for withholding this information from his family but a feeling deep in his gut says there is more to this. “Was that your reason, Jay?”

Jensen has to suck in a breath when Jared slowly shakes his head, still not looking at him. “I thought that if they knew you were gay they would look at the way we act around each other and start asking questions. I had this crazy notion in my head that they’d look at us and just know that we’re together. I wasn’t ready for that, so I failed to mention that you were gay… I just thought it’d be easier.”

“Yeah, it’s easier that way for you but it isn’t for me,” Jensen can’t keep his irritation out of his voice. “Do you realize the kind of position you put me in, especially since you neglected to mention it to me? What if I had said something to your mom about past boyfriends or why I don’t get along with my family? I can understand that you may not be ready to tell your family about you yet, but do you realize how awkward that would have been for me?”

“I’m sorry, Jen, I wasn’t thinking. I know I should’ve told them, and if I could go back in time and tell them properly I would, but I was freaking out and was worried about them finding out about us. I’ll tell them soon, I promise… just, for now, can you just play along for a little bit longer?” Jared asks, and the guilty expression on his face tells Jensen that Jared knows what he is asking of Jensen is fucked up.

All Jensen can do for a long moment is stare at Jared, partly in disappointment and partly in disbelief. “Alright, if that’s what you want me to do then fine, that’s what I’ll do. But I’m not happy about it, Jared, you know how much I hate hiding who I am from anyone. I’ll do it for you though, because it’s what you want so badly. But… it just really makes me wonder how serious you are about us. I’m not like you, I have no desire to hide us away, and I don’t see how you can. I get that you’re scared about your parents’ reaction and that you’re afraid of losing your family the way I have, I really do, but when you can’t even admit that your ‘friend’ is gay because they might think you’re gay by association, when you’re forcing me to hide who I am...” Jensen releases a heavy sigh but doesn’t lower his eyes away from Jared. “I’m beginning to lose sight of the reason I’m even holding on. I’m starting to think you don’t want this as much as I do.”

Jared looks up sharply at these words, a pained expression on his face, and he takes a step forward. “Don’t say that, Jen. What we have, it’s good, it’s worth holding on to. I just need a little more time, that’s all.”

“I’m not saying I’m breaking up with you, Jared, just that I’m having doubts. And it’s my opinion that you need to do some serious thinking, about what you really want. If you’re not ready to be in a relationship with me then I need to know, because I’m not going to make you do something you don’t want to but I’m not going to wait around forever and I won’t be with someone who’s too ashamed, of themselves or me, to be with me either. I just can’t do it.”

“I’m not ashamed of you, Jen, I love you,” Jared whispers softly, pained and lost.

“I hear you say the words, Jay, but I can’t say I believe or feel them,” Jensen responds in a hoarse voice, tears begging to surface. “I’m going back to the house, I need to be alone for a while.”

Jared doesn’t try to stop him as Jensen turns away, leaving him standing there, a slumped figure by the stream that turns away and walks in the other direction. Jensen didn’t want to hurt Jared at all but it needed to be said all the same. This is hurting Jensen and it’s going to keep hurting him until Jared gets his priorities straight. He loves Jared but he meant what he said, he can’t live like this. Jared is all he has ever wanted since the day he met the shaggy-haired man, but he’s beginning to wonder if he ever truly had him.

Car is parked, bags are packed, but what kind of heart doesn't look back
At the comfortable glow from the porch, the one I will still call yours?
All those words came undone and now I'm not the only one
Facing the ghosts that decide if the fire inside still burns

All I have, all I need, he's the air I would kill to breathe
Holds my love in his hands, still I'm searching for something
Out of breath, I am left hoping someday I'll breathe again


Breathe Again - by Sara Bareilles
Mood: thoughtfulthoughtful
Music: Matthew Perryman Jones