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26 July 2011 @ 04:33 am
Sometimes Goodbye’s the Only Way  
Title: Sometimes Goodbye’s the Only Way
Author: fadedsparks
Fandom: RPS
Pairing: Jensen/Jared
Rated: PG-13
Genre: Angst, slight AU I guess…
Disclaimer: This isn't meant to offend anyone and I am making no profit from it.
Summary: Their romance was dead, simple as that, and in the wake of the downfall they were left with a dying flame that both couldn’t seem to give up on.

Sometimes Goodbye's
the Only Way

Jensen stands in front of the sliding glass door that leads to the backyard, watching the sun make its slow descent, feeling empty and numb and resigned. He can’t help thinking, this is all wrong, because these aren’t emotions he believes he should be feeling. He thinks he should be upset, should be feeling sad because of the way things have ended. He doesn’t though and it puts him off center. He does feel bad, but not for the right reasons. He just feels bad because he doesn’t feel bad. The thought of losing Jared, losing everything they’ve built between them and everything they used to share, isn’t killing him like it used to and it sickens him.

He lets out a sigh, breath fogging up the window of the door, and leans his forehead against the cool glass. He closes his eyes and Jared’s smiling face haunts the inside of his eyelids. He doesn’t know why this image has to come and haunt him now of all times but it doesn‘t really matter, either. Any image of Jared has always brought a smile to his face and caused his heart to swell with the love he’s always felt for the younger man. However, the fact that he feels nothing, absolutely nothing, makes him feel strange and wrong inside.

How did it come to this? He silently questions and has no answer. How could we let it get to this point?

He and Jared have been together for ten years, been friends for four more than that, and it has all boiled down to this. Jensen isn’t sure who is to blame for things not working out. Him? Jared? Both of them? He really doesn’t know. Maybe no one’s to blame. Things like this happen all the time, right? Romance just dies all on its own and in the end no one’s to blame, things just didn’t work out for one reason or another and at some point there comes a time when you just have to move on.

When they first met there had been a connection, one that neither wanted to examine but chalked up to their personalities meshing so well together. Their friendship was instantaneous and they always seemed to be attached at the hip. There was always this underlying emotion that drew them together, though, that they couldn’t deny. Their eyes would somehow always find the other in a crowded room and the need to touch had always been strong as well.

Things made a gradual transition from friends to a relationship and even to this day Jensen can’t say how that happened. It just seemed to come so naturally that they just kind of rolled with the tide and accepted things as they were thrown at them. Both were happy with the turn of their relationship, though, and welcomed the change with open arms.

He had moved in with Jared after they dated for about a year and they fell into an easy and comfortable routine. They were like any other couple in love, on the verge of marriage it seemed. That was what it felt like, too, only without the papers and rings declaring them legally married. They ate together, walked the dogs together, and slept together. It was all very mundane and incredible in its domesticity.

They made their relationship public after they were together about three years, when they were comfortable in the knowledge that what they had was the real deal, they were in this for the long haul, and they came out to the world without any regrets. Sure, not everyone was understanding, they lost a few roles because of it, but they also gained a lot in the process as well. They were free to be themselves, still had their career opportunities, but most of all they had each other. Everything was right in their world and for the first time in a long while they were truly happy. Couldn’t get much better than that.

Jensen has been in relationships before, loved many different people, but he has never loved anyone as much as Jared. That man is his other half and a part of him, to this day, still believes that. Things may not have worked out but he knows a large part of his heart will always belong to that man.

Now, after ten years, they are both letting go and admitting that what was once there is now no more. Kind of bittersweet in a way, all things considered. Jensen doesn’t know why it didn’t work out, especially since they had been so happy, so in love, but things just… started changing.

It was a gradual process, hardly noticeable. One day they couldn’t spend a day apart without missing each other like mad, and the next they didn’t seem to have much time for them. That is what is seemed like to him, anyway. Jared was busy making movies, having become an A-Lister and one of the most sought-after actors in the industry, while Jensen strayed away from acting and opened an acting class in their hometown.

He had noticed the change, was no way he couldn’t have, so one night he sat down and evaluated his life. He came to find that the dynamics of their relationship had changed and Jensen wasn’t sure what to do, how to fix the problems in their relationship. Once he realized the problem he had sat Jared down and they had a long talk about their relationship. They both realized something needed to be done if they had any hopes of salvaging what was left of their relationship, needed to do everything they could think of to relight the spark they once had… But all of their attempts failed.

It had pained him greatly, the knowledge of their relationship slowly deteriorating. More than anything he had wished there was a way to save their relationship, didn’t want to lose Jared, but things stayed the same and didn’t get any better. They started spending less and less time together, didn’t go out like they once did. Most nights they ate at home, or one of them would go out with friends and family, but never together. The only things they did together was sit down in front of the TV, no conversations were to be had, and they each sat in their respective places on the couch, a good foot of open space between them.

They used to enjoy one another’s company, always had something interesting to talk about, joked around, and teased each other. That had changed over time, however, and their conversations took a turn and dwindled down to unimportant, predictable, and mostly routine topics. Like ‘how was your day’ and ‘we need milk, we’re all out’. Jensen would ask how filming was going and Jared would give a short reply, neither of them sounding truly interested, and then the subject would be dropped and they’d talk about the cleaning Jensen’s done, or the shopping they need to do.

They no longer teased each other like they used to and joking around was pretty much non-existent. At night they slept with a gap of space between them, both turned and facing opposite directions, when at one time Jared used to wrap himself around Jensen like a second skin. When they were home at the same time Jensen, most often, could be found in the study on his computer, while Jared was in the game room, at the other end of the house. They spent more time apart than they did together, even when in the same house, and both seemed to like it that way. They enjoyed their space, time to their selves, but Jensen thinks they began to like it a little too much. They were pulling away from each other without even realizing it.

“Would it have mattered if we realized it sooner or not?” Jensen questions softly and the answer he receives is no, the outcome would remain the same.

Their romance was dead, simple as that, and in the wake of the downfall they were left with a dying flame that both couldn’t seem to give up on. They tried staying together, each hoping things would get better, not to mention they’d been together so long that neither one of them really wanted to let go and say goodbye. They wanted to continue the fight, even though they weren’t sure there was anything left to fight for.

In the end, however, it was obvious that the only option they had left was to let go, they had to walk away. Jensen was the one who came to this conclusion first and he had, reluctantly, sat Jared down two weeks ago so they could have a talk… a talk that would change their lives as they know it.

Jensen turns his body, sitting sideways on the couch, so he can face Jared who is looking at him with an expression that tells Jensen his lover has an idea what conversation lies ahead. Those hazel eyes watch him steadily and he thinks he can see the same resignation and defeat that he feels inside reflected within those depths.

His fiddles with his hands for a moment, like he isn’t sure what to do with them, before lying them in his lap and trying to keep them immobile. He never thought he would be in this situation, not with Jared, and he doesn’t quite know how to start. He can see that Jared might be just as tired as he is, nothing left within to hold on with, no will to even hold on, but that doesn’t stop this conversation from being difficult.

Jared’s eyes are soft and understanding as he says, “This is the end, isn’t it? You’re breaking up with me.”

“I think we both knew this was bound to happen… it was only a matter of time, we’re only hurting ourselves by dragging this out, holding on when we should’ve let go a long time ago.” Jensen responds quietly, looking at Jared with regret in his eyes and a bittersweet smile on his lips.

“Nothing lasts forever, eh?” Jared says with an ironic smile of his own.

“I guess not,” Jensen says quietly, almost solemn. “I’ve always known that hearts can change, but I just… I never thought our hearts would change, never thought there‘d come a day when we wouldn‘t be in love with each other anymore.”

Jared’s smile is broken this time around, as watery as his eyes. “Neither of us could’ve foreseen this, Jen. There’s no way we could’ve known it’d come to this. But I can say with absolute honesty that I don’t regret a single moment I’ve had with you and I know I’ll always love you.”

“We had some good times,” he admits, smiling softly to himself, content with knowing they’ll have some memories, treasured memories, to walk away with.

“Plus, this could be worse, right?” Jared says, trying to make their whole situation lighter. “At least we’re parting on good terms, the decision to end the relationship is mutual.”

“Yeah, that’s something to be thankful for.” Jensen responds softly, locking his jade green eyes with Jared’s hazel, beginning to become emotional for the first time since the conversation started. “And I don’t have any regrets, either, just so you know. I’m glad I can say that you were mine, at one time, and I‘ll always remember the time we spent together… I wouldn’t have missed it for the world.”

“God, I know this is the right thing for us to do, know there’s nothing left to hold on to, but why is it so hard?” Jared laughs to cover up the tears in his voice, the last lingering pain coursing through him.

“I guess it was never meant to be easy. I think I’d be a little disappointed if it was, anyway, ‘cause I’d hate to think it’d be easy for us to walk away from each other, especially after all this time together and everything we’ve shared.” Jensen admits with a wry upturn to his lips before letting out a heavy sigh.

“Think we can walk away from this as friends, is that possible or is that too soon to even consider?” Jared asks with hope and uncertainty clear on his face.

“I don’t see why we couldn’t; I don’t want to lose you completely…”

“But you need a little time before we can start hanging out again like we used to, need time to fully recover from this.” Jared finishes for him and Jensen nods his head slowly, eyes soft but not smiling like they’re known for, “Yeah, me too.”

“I, uh, I guess I’ll get started on packing, probably tomorrow.” Jensen says, clearing his throat and taking a deep breath. “I’m gonna move in with my parents for a while till I get back on my feet.”

“You don’t have to do that, Jen, you can keep the house. I think I’d like to get my own place, anyway.” Jared protests lightly with a shake of his head.

“Honestly I think I need a fresh start, and there are too many memories here… it’d be too hard.” Jensen whispers, looking away when holding Jared’s stare becomes too much to bear.

“I can understand that… I’m thinking the same way, actually. I don’t think I could stay in this house without thinking of you and wondering what could have been if we’d have just held on a bit longer.”

This isn’t exactly something Jensen wants to hear but he knows he would probably be plagued with the same questions if he were to stay in their house, too. It’s best for the both of them if they move on and put this place behind them, they don’t need any constant reminders and this house would be a big one.

Jensen forces himself to stand, unable to talk about this anymore, and faces Jared when he rises to his feet as well. “I’m gonna stay with my parents tonight, I think it’d be for the best.”

“Yeah, alright,” Jared nods his head, taking a deep breath and attempting to smile but falling short. “I guess this is technically goodbye, huh? In a sense, anyway. It isn’t goodbye forever, though, right?”

“No, it’s not forever.” Jensen smiles softly as he says this, unable to help himself. “I guess this is more like goodbye for a little while.”

Jared seems to draw comfort from these words but still looks unsure about something. “I… it’s just… well… can I?” Jared fumbles with his words, placing his hand on the side of Jensen’s neck, and instantly Jensen knows what he is asking.

Jensen gives a slow nod of his head, unable to resist any more than Jared can, and then those familiar lips are pressing against his own. Jared is grabbing at him with desperate hands, fisted into the material of his gray shirt and tugging him closer. The lips pressed against his are soft, though, and tender and unhurried. Jensen responds with equal enthusiasm, allowing himself to savor this kiss, their last. It is filled with melancholy, for a love lost, and a sense of goodbye that neither can deny.

Jensen forcefully shakes the memory of that night away and runs a shaky hand through his hair. When he opens his eyes once more he finds the sun has gone down on another day and has left the world bathed in darkness in the wake of its descent. Every light is on in the living room and all he can see as he stares at the window of the sliding glass door is his own reflection, pale and tired and bone weary.

He finally turns away from the door, knowing he has tarried long enough, and faces the empty house once more with a strength he doesn’t truly feel. It is strange to see the house, once filled with their personal belongings and mementoes and signs of life and love, so empty and bare and devoid of the life that was once held within these walls. The sight makes part of him long for what he let go of, threatens to bring him to his knees, while another part is just so tired and numb from all the emotional pain he has been though that walking away holds the promise of healing and hope.

“I know you said this isn‘t forever, but I wanted you to know, even if we say goodbye right now and never see each other again…. just know I’ll still be thinking of you… and the times we had.”

The words Jared spoke to him that last time he saw him comes to mind, unbidden and unrelenting. The words calm him rather than upset him, though, and he knows without a doubt that he wants to be Jared’s friend again one day. He might need a little time to heal, to get his life in order and recover from their split, but he knows he doesn’t want to lose the younger man’s friendship. If they can walk away from this as friends… well, who would pass up an opportunity like that?

The last of his things sit in duffle bags in the middle of the varnished wood floor of the empty living room, so he swoops down and picks them up as he heads to the front hallway, switching off lights as he goes. When he reaches the front door he opens it but stops before completely leaving. Unable to resist, he turns around once more and looks back the way he came. Everything is eerily silent and still, which feels odd to him because their house was never so quiet and barren of life.

Jared wraps Jensen up in his long, long arms, making him feel safe, secure, and, above all, loved. “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, Jen. I don‘t know how I ever got so lucky but, being with you now, I know I can‘t live without you and I don‘t want to. You’re it for me, Jen, you‘re the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. I love you so damn much.”

Jensen’s smile is a bit crestfallen as he recalls those long forgotten words, said the day they bought the house and moved in. Sweeping his eyes over his home of the last nine years, he says a silent goodbye to the past and looks toward his future as he walks out the door and shuts it behind him for the final time.

The End

A/N: I’m sorry if this was just beyond depressing. I haven’t been in a very good mood today, and I needed a way to get out my depression, so I figured I’d try to write it out and this was the end result.

Mood: exhaustedexhausted
Music: LMFAO
Gerigeri on July 26th, 2011 04:33 pm (UTC)
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO it can't be over fix them some how plz pudppy dog eyes make acontinuation were they get back together.
FadedSparksfadedsparks on July 27th, 2011 12:42 am (UTC)
I may come back to this eventually and write a continuation but there's no plans as of right now, got too much on my plate at the moment. Thanks for reading though. :)
Cherrycherrymmm on July 27th, 2011 03:02 am (UTC)
NO! *sniffle* Fix them!
FadedSparksfadedsparks on July 29th, 2011 01:52 am (UTC)
Maybe I will one day when I have the time to come back to this.